Here’s what 7 years of being a plus-size dominatrix has taught me about sex
Source: Metro.co.uk.
UK – These days I’m a writer and stand up comedian but, for seven years, I was Melody – a £2,000 per night escort, weighing 25 stone and wearing size 30 clothes.
So, what did those years of being a plus-size dominatrix teach me about sex?
The short answer? It’s all about communication.
When a client called, I always asked ‘what kind of thing are you interested in?’. Very often the response was, ‘Umm…domination? Y’know…whatever you want.’
‘Brilliant! So I assume it’s okay to tie you up while I f*** off and watch EastEnders for an hour?’ I’d reply.
It really does pay to communicate, and be specific.
I often get asked ‘is there anything you wouldn’t do?’ and I have to remind people that I was in sex work not only for the money, but also to enjoy myself. A client’s requests are not obligatory.
I’m pretty certain that my ‘No’ list would rival The Chilcot Report in terms of brevity.
The popularity of erotic literature of late tells me most people have a kinky fantasy they’d like to try, but If you want to introduce S&M into your own relationship, you need to make it clear what you want – and what you don’t.
If you can bear it, communicate to your partner (long term, casual, paid-for or otherwise) what you would like to try, and in return be prepared to hear it.
Talk it over – if you’re uncomfortable with what your partner is interested in, say why.
Maybe even try a compromise.
You have to remember that no one can read your mind – especially a sex worker who’s never met you.
It’s no use saying something like ‘do what you like!’ or ‘control me!’ or anything equally vague.
I once had a client who, when I asked him what he wanted, just said ‘oh, just do your best moves’.
This is not the best start, unless you are a complete masochist and you are willing to endure my wrath at your sheer d***headishness.
I tried to explain that calling me and just asking for my ‘best moves’ was like walking into a restaurant and just shouting ‘bring me food!’ rather than ordering from the menu.
When he explained this was actually his typical restaurant behaviour, I decided to introduce him to a 12inch strap-on and a pin wheel that could turn his balls into a colander.
Weirdly, he got cold feet and suddenly became a lot more communicative, admitting all he really wanted was to lick my feet and have a light spanking.
Unfortunately in my line of work, I was often up against men who had more money than sense, especially as the blood wasn’t exactly rushing to their head.
But, please remember that one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure. Domination, BDSM and bondage are all very vague words that can include myriad activities and saying ‘do whatever you want!’ is a very dangerous thing to say to a lady who, quite frankly, couldn’t care less if you end up walking to the Tube like John Wayne.
For anyone wanting to take a dip into the word of being the dom/me, here’s a tip I learnt from Derren Brown: ‘Mix magic, suggestion, psychology, misdirection and showmanship’.
In my case, the ‘magic’ comes from experience and intuition.
A classic ‘trick’ I learned came from a trick in which Derren Brown challenged 12 chess masters and got six to play their first moves.
He then used those moves on another six and mirrored the moves they played in the games he was playing with the first 6 (apologies if there was someone who did that well before him. I’m sure someone will tweet me the history of this trick because what else is Twitter for?).
In much the same way I would learn from my clients and use the experience to evolve my services. I would take what one client would ask me for – ‘I want you to tie me up and force your knickers in my mouth!’ – and try it on another – ‘I’m going to tie you up, and force my knickers in your mouth and you’re going to thank me for it!’
I’d use magic, suggestion and psychology all at once – and I’d tie a blindfold on him so I could hastily get anything else I needed, in a flurry of misdirection and showmanship.
I was, in fact, always learning from one client to the next.
I could add in my own imagination and fantasy, but the richest source of inspiration was always my clients themselves.
On a much less frivolous note, one thing being a plus-size dominatrix has taught me about sex is how scared people in power seem to be of sexually liberated women.
The laws in this country are so out-of-date and out of touch that studies have shown sex workers are currently more scared of the police than dangerous clients.
It is currently illegal for women to work together – a necessity if sex-workers are to feel safe – and something that led to the pointless and traumatising Soho raids in 2013.
The change in the porn laws two years ago now makes it illegal for women to carry out some of the most basic domination manoeuvres on screen [spanking, caning,
humiliation and physical restraint were just a handful of elements banned in 2014 censorship of video and dvd porn production], or even biological ones [female ejaculation and ‘watersports’ were also banned].
For instance, women can’t ejaculate on camera, but a man can stand there filling a bathtub with his own spuff.
A lot of people have asked if I’d like to see my audio book, Slaving Away, being made into a TV show, and I have to remind them that if anyone showed the scenes of me trampling Hugh Dennis, or tying up Richard Herring, or wrestling with Brendan Burns, we’d all be locked up.
Being a dominatrix means you have to be pretty non-judgemental, which is a valuable skill to learn.
Frankly, it shouldn’t matter your size, shape, colour, gender, sexuality – we all have a sexy beast inside us, and we should all be able to let it out and have as much safe, sane and consensual sex as we like without fear, shame or judgement.
As women, we have to live under the dark, misogynistic cloud of being judged by how many sexual partners we’ve had.
I’d like to take this opportunity to remind men our vaginas are made of something more akin to elastic rather than memory foam.
In fact, being a sex-worker has proven a rather useful filter.
We really can do without your Judgey McJudgeface on how much sex we’ve had before we met your glorious penis.
Take me as I am, or don’t take me at all… And that, in fact, goes for all women.
Miranda Kane’s audio-series Slaving Away is available from Audible.co.uk this autumn.
You can follow her on Twitter here and Facebook here.
See more larger photo’s: Metro.co.uk.
