BDSM for beginners – a former dominatrix guides you and your partner through S&M
Source: Metro.co.uk.
UK – Let’s start in a very clear, very concise manner.
I’m going to assume you are two adults who want to try a bit of kink or BDSM, and you’re looking for a bit of helpful advice.
I’m going to make that caveat because I’m tired of seeing advice columns labelled ‘How do I tell my partner I want to try kinky sex?’
You just do – you open your mouth and ask.
I’m sorry if you don’t feel like you’re in an open and honest enough relationship and I feel bad for you son. But you got 99 problems and your kink ain’t one.
In recent years the S&M moniker has extended to BDSM – Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. (The S stands for Sadism – the art of hurting Someone else. The M stands for Masocism – the art of hurting Myself.)
I’m going to take you by the hand, and give you a few hints, tips and tutorials to help you start exploring your kinky side. But first, some housekeeping –
The key phrase in BDSM is ‘safe, sane and consensual’
1. Is it safe?
Figure out a safe-word, or if you’re planning a gag, try a click of fingers or a tap on the bed.
A signal of some sort to know this is where you need to stop and have a cup of tea and a cuddle.
2. Be sane
Yes, I know you get braver after a few drinks.
I know it sounds sexy to do it all when you’re full of Dutch courage but it’s not safe, and I promise you it’s not half as enjoyable as when you get to look back on it and remember it all – that feeling of power, or submission – with full clarity.
3. Be consensual
Strike an agreement. Sit down, and discuss how far you’re willing to go. If you want to go right up to 11, but your partner wants to sail on a steady 3, then fine. Start in the shallow pool.
When they say the safeword, you stop.
This goes for both sides – I’m always wary of subs who ‘Top from the bottom’ – they can be tied up and crying out for me to start doing things to them I’m not comfortable with, so I have no qualms in stopping the session.
Don’t run before you can walk.
Many people will ask who is the Dominant, and who is the submissive?
But perhaps you don’t know. Maybe you want to try both. You don’t have to put yourself into a box so early on.
You also don’t need fancy-schmancy equipment
You don’t need a dungeon. You don’t need props, costume, or lighting.
You just need confidence, communication and a bit of imagination.
I say ‘a bit’ because there’s porn and your partner – a wealth of ideas and suggestions will come from both.
However, if you do want to try and bring some toys in the bedroom, then you can’t go wrong with visiting one of the monthly fetish fairs in the city.
In fact as a Londoner, it’s your civic duty to support these kinky artisans.
The London Alternative Market and the London Fetish Fair are monthly events who both offer handmade, sturdy and reasonably priced items to help anyone – from the beginner to the professional.
Clothing and articles are made to measure, furniture to suit all needs! I have to stop before I burst into a song worthy of ‘Oliver’.
But they’ll also provide demonstrations on various bits of equipment you might not be so familiar with.
‘Oh, but Auntie Miranda, these are all just WORDS! Give us something practicaaaaal!!’
Ok, your homework for this evening…
We’ll start slowly – work with what you know, and if you don’t know your partner all that well (hey, it’s 2016. It’s allowed) – explore.
If your partner enjoys going down on you, tell them you want them to go down on you.
Grab them by the hair and say ‘you’re going to please me until I tell you to stop.’
They’re going to be your toy, your plaything until you’ve had your fill and they’re going to like it.
And if you don’t know them, they’ll either just say no, and you get a brownie badge for trying, or they might throw their own suggestion into the ring.
If you’re not too sure what each other would enjoy, you can make this part of a kinky game.
Text them, say ‘Hey, I read an interesting blog in the Metro today (It’s OK, you can blame me) and it suggested I tell you three things I want to do to you tonight and you should say three things you want to do to me…’
Enjoy it at home.
Don’t then launch into a massive sextathon – this isn’t about blowing your load before the fun has begun in person.
Also, fantasy sexting may lead down avenues you can’t necessarily repeat in real life and it might become intimidating for your partner.
Instead, use it to gauge what you think you would both enjoy – and try it.
If you’re too shy to even start that kind of conversation, then just remember a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Enjoy it. That’s what this is really about.
It’s not about sticking to the rules, just following some guidelines.
It’s not about being perfect and faithfully re-enacting half of Porntube, it’s about finding what makes you feel powerful or what makes you feel submissive.
It’s about positive re-enforcement. Did you enjoy that? Say so – thank your partner, tell them how good it was (either as the Dom or the sub).
You have both tried something new, and you’re both dying to know what each other thought of it, so lie back and tell them how much you enjoyed the fruits of their labours.
Remember, this is a small step to a much bigger world so don’t feel like you have to run before you can walk.
My top 10 tips for BDSM beginners
1. Never use anything like cable ties or gaffa tape for bondage. Anything that cuts your circulation off the more you pull against it is going to be an encumbrance and a danger. Instead, use silk ties, cotton rope or invest in wrist cuffs with a buckle.
2. No head frame? No problem. You can get specially made straps to go under the mattress to tie willing limbs to. (Or try using bungee chords from the pound shop if you’re not quite as committed to the expense).
3. Wear clothes you feel good in. You don’t have to wear pleather trousers, PVC basques or cheese-wire underwear. Think about what makes you feel powerful and sexy.
4. There’s no end to household objects you can use – wooden spoons and hairbrushes for spanking, underwear as gags and blindfolds. We live in a golden age sex toys delivered in discreet packaging: there’s no need to go reaching for the fruit and veg just yet.
5. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. To make the whole experience more intense try teasing each other for a few days, making sure neither one tries anything on their own (wink, wink). I was once paid to keep the key of a client’s chastity device while he wore it for a year, so you can definitely go a few days.
6. Don’t send pictures. You don’t need to prove how submissive you are by sending pictures of your body to someone. Real life rules still apply.
7. Keep some arnica cream in the cupboard – it really helps with bruising.
8. Try some power play outside of the bedroom – order your partner’s food, tell them what they’re going to wear, give them rules for a day and for each one they break, they get a specific punishment that evening.
9. Plenty of cites and towns now have Munches – get-togethers where like-minded folk can meet and chat about all things kink, or just enjoy a drink. Details of these can be found on-line, just Google munches in your area for guidance in person.
10. Some things are worth investing in as there is no safe household equivalent – collar and chain, nipple clamps, bondage rope and butt plugs are good, basic things to have in your beginner’s toy bag. As well as wet wipes, lubricant and condoms.
See more and larger photo’s: Metro.co.uk.
