Becoming a dominatrix helped my anxiety
Source: NYpost.com.
USA – NEW YORK – Poured into a leather corset molding her waist, hips and thighs into a cartoonish hourglass, Kat Kinsman whipped the grateful CEO with her cat-o’-nine-tails, all the while embracing her alter ego, Mistress Cherry.
Her job as a dominatrix in downtown Manhattan made her feel fulfilled and invincible — a far cry from the helpless mass of anxiety and depression she so often embodied due to crippling mental health issues that plagued her from childhood.
“It’s hard to believe that Mistress Cherry was the same woman who couldn’t leave her apartment for days, terrified of the outside world,” says Kinsman, 44, now the senior food and drinks editor of the breakfast-food website Extra Crispy and a respected food personality. “But, for me, it was performance art. I put on a mask and became this figure of power and adoration.”
The Brooklyn resident’s surprising foray into the world of sadomasochism is chronicled in her new memoir, “Hi, Anxiety: Life With a Bad Case of Nerves” (HarperCollins, out Tuesday).
The book is a moving and often amusing account of her battle with the frequently misunderstood condition. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety affects 40 million people in the United States, nearly one-fifth of the adult population.
Kinsman’s issues began in grade school in Fort Thomas, Ky. The daughter of an anxious, sick mother, she lacked confidence and constantly judged herself.
In one passage, she describes reading out loud to her class, when her frenemy, Elle, was quick to point out her disastrous performance.
“‘Hey, what’s wrong with Katie’s hands?’ Before I could get the first words past my bitten lips, Elle’s whisper set off a wave of titters that lapped over my skin like an acid bath,” Kinsman writes of her shaking hands.
As an adult, she excoriated herself with her dark thoughts — a state she terms “gricky.” She explains: “Gricky is a double-headed beast that carries toxic gloom in one set of fangs and electric zaps of panic in the other.”
Despite regular therapy sessions and long periods taking antidepressants such as Effexor (which proved ineffective and had numerous side effects), Kinsman’s suffering only got worse. At times, she was so consumed by fear, sadness and self-loathing, she was almost catatonic.
It was in 2004 — soon after a particularly upsetting split with a boyfriend (who turned out to be married) — that she tackled her depression head-on. Instead of hiding in her apartment, she adopted the moniker Mistress Cherry and followed the lead of a friend who worked in a New York City dungeon.
“If you do it well [working as a dominatrix], it’s a tremendously compassionate, beautiful thing,” says Kinsman, who regularly put her willing clients on dog leashes and caused them pain by whipping them. “You make them feel understood.”
Slowly, her own self-esteem grew.
“Just like someone who starts going to the gym, I was able to free myself from my own oppressive thoughts,” she recalls.
While continued therapy and the two years she worked as a dominatrix helped ease her mind, it was only after she met her now-husband, Douglas, 12 years ago that she felt confident enough to fully open up about her mental health issues.
“He is such a caretaker and a doer,” says Kinsman, who curtails most of her anxieties these days through breathing exercises and using the diet supplement L-theanine, an amino acid that promotes relaxation, reduces stress and improves sleep.
Now, as well as editing and writing for Extra Crispy — the culinary world has been a lifelong passion — she works as an advocate for mental health awareness, particularly among restaurant and kitchen employees through her website ChefsWithIssues.com.
“We’re breaking down the stigma and helping other people find themselves,” says Kinsman. “Anxiety, depression and mental illness are no longer dirty words.”
See more and larger photo’s: nypost.com.
