USA – IOWA – Uberkinky’s Periodic Table of Kinks has 151 blocks and is equally important as — if not more than, in my opinion — the Table of Elements. Various kinks are sorted into 12 categories, including torture, restraint, role play, butt stuff and vanilla. Everything from tickling to poop play is represented.
Mom, Dad, tread lightly with this one.
Kinks — sexual desires attached to specific objects, acts or body parts that aren’t necessarily sexual in and of themselves — tend to be taboo at the dinner table, but they’re more common than you might think. The Journal of Sex Research found one in three people have experimented with paraphilia, or unusual sexual interests, at some point in their lives. A 2016 UK survey indicated as many as 75 percent of people harbor a fetish.
Probably the most prevalent and certainly well-known kink is BDSM. The acronym is up for debate, but generally refers to erotic bondage, discipline, dominance/submission and sadomasochism. Riding crops, handcuffs, ball gags, harnesses and black leather garments are BDSM tools as well as part of the subculture’s aesthetic.
The organized kink/BDSM community in Iowa is small, but it exists. Iowa Leather Weekend, which takes place in October, is an all-out kinky bonanza, including a vendor market, entertainment pieces and a contest in which participants compete for four Iowa Leather titles: Ms., Mr., Bear and Pet. These titleholders go on to wave the leather pride flag (black-and-blue-striped, with one white stripe cutting the center and a red heart in the upper left corner) around the state, including at the Iowa City Pride Festival.
Bettie Rage, Ms. Iowa Leather 2020, has been in the scene for 20 years. Starting her journey in Minneapolis, she jumped feet first into the leather community after becoming fascinated with the power dynamics between submissive men and dominant women.
“When I was 21, I had a friend who brought me to a bar called Ground Zero in Minnesota, and on the weekends, they have a bondage and go-go night,” Rage said. “As soon as I walked in I had a man crawl up to me on his hands and knees and another man asked to kiss my boots. I was there every weekend after that.”
Becoming Ms. Iowa Leather is no joke. Contestants submit a resume and, if picked, undergo an audition before a panel of judges. The audition consists of a private interview with the judges, a speech, a question and a five-minute fantasy scene performed on stage.
For Boy Chris, the Mr. Iowa Leather 2020 titleholder, Leather Weekend is also a good way to discover more about certain kinks. Educational panels present people an opportunity to learn safe sex practices in a welcoming environment. Because their kink can involve intricate skills, like knot-tying, and negotiated relationships, such as that between a dom and a sub, communication and consent are tanned into the leather of BDSM culture.
“We pull in people from all over to watch the contest, and we do educational things,” Chris said. “We educate on various kinks, promoting inclusivity. We want everyone to come — our trans boys, sisters, drag queens, twinks, bears and pups. The pet scene has really exploded so we want to be all-inclusive and welcoming.”
Pet play “is a subculture within our community that allows people to let go and feel comfortable in social scenes,” Chris explained. While people with a pet kink often get off on playing the role of a submissive puppy, including wearing a collar, leash or muzzle, others prefer to portray cats, or other animals “that capture their personality.”
The list of domination-, pain- and restraint-related kinks is virtually endless, including such niche interests as cuckolding and “human furniture” (which is pretty much exactly what you think it is). To signal which kink they’re into at meetups, people put various coded items, often colored handkerchiefs, in their back pocket. A red handkerchief indicates an interest in fisting, yellow for “water sports,” hunter green for daddy play, black for BDSM and so on and so forth.
“There are plastic forks you can put in your back pocket — that just means you’re looking for dinner — and another is a sweatband which means
you’re looking for wrasslin’ fun,” said Rage, explaining the most unique back-pocket tokens she’s seen.
Rage understands how difficult it can be to overcome the fear of outing oneself as a BDSM enthusiast, particularly as a woman in a predominantly male scene. Before becoming Ms. Iowa Leather, she established a kink and coffee group at Smokey Row in Des Moines for female-identifying and nonbinary folk to have a safe space to talk all things kink without male-identifying people around.
“Running for title was important to me because there are so many spaces that are still men-only spaces [where] women and trans folks aren’t necessarily welcome,” she said. “I wanted to win this title to be a presence in the women’s community and to change things.”
The Iowa Leather title family has recently broadened its outreach, offering monthly Think Kink classes at the Blazing Saddle in Des Moines, open to anyone 18 or older. Held on the second Tuesday of every month and spanning six months, the lessons are designed for both beginner and experienced kinksters.
“The first one was consent and the next one [on Feb. 11] will be about impact play,” Chris explained. “In that topic it’s about, how do you do those things without hurting, and then teaching what consent you need to think about when using a cane to hit someone.”
Iowa Leather will also expand beyond Des Moines metro, hosting a Sash Bash at Studio 13 in Iowa City March 6-8, and an event in Waterloo at Kings and Queens Club the first weekend in April.
I felt very comfortable interviewing Rage and Chris, and told them so. As a closeted kinky queer, being sex-forward is something I crave but haven’t acted on, held back by trauma and boys who don’t respond to my 2 a.m. booty call. The Iowa Leather titleholders reassured me that the community is open to anyone, regardless of if they’re having sex or not. There’s no pressure to be anything in a place largely written off as “bad” or “perverted,” a few negative stereotypes unfairly hurled their way. Once you overcome what society has conditioned you to believe is bad, you start living.
“People have kinks. Gay, straight, nonbinary, whatever people want to identify as, they have kinks,” Chris said. “We just want to reach out and let people know they’re not alone. My title family is living our best lives and showing people you can have fun and still be an adult.”
Meggie Gates is a comedian and writer from Cedar Rapids, based in Chicago, Illinois. They write for the Chicago Reader, Consequence of Sound, Reductress and a variety of other places, including, of course, Little Village, located in their favorite city in the world. They enjoy comic books and hate sand between their toes. This article was originally published in Little Village issue 278.
BDSM, short for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism, is a consensual sexual dynamic in which people play with power through different sexual acts.
While classic representations of BDSM often feature dominatrixes and submissive leather-clad men, BDSM is an umbrella term that covers a numbers of kinks and fetishes.
People engaging in BDSM have been framed as freaks, deviants, and sexually perverted in movies like “Secretary” and shows like “Nip/Tuck.”
Here are 4 common myths about BDSM. according to two kink specialists.
The acronym “BDSM” conjures images of leather-clad dominatrixes in high heeled boots hitting submissive men with a whip might to mind. That, or the erotic novel turned movie franchise “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
But BDSM, or bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism, is more complicated than that.
From choking (“breath play”) to being tied up (“rigging”) to being hit with different items (“impact pay”), BDSM can refer to a number of kinks and fetishes. But at their root, sexual acts that fall under the BDSM all have one thing in common.
“It’s really about consensual role-play and power exchange,” said Phillip Hammack, professor of psychology at University of California Santa Cruz,.
Despite BDSM being a consensual sexual dynamic between adults, it has been stigmatized over the years, with people who engage in kink and fetish sex often framed as freaks or sexual deviants.
Here are four of the biggest myths about BDSM, according to two kink experts.
Myth: People who like BDSM are sexual deviants and freaks.
Whether they’re the butt of the joke on shows like “Skins” or openly condemned by the general public, people who engage in BDSM, kink, and fetish sex have historically been seen as weird or grotesque.
“People will say that BDSM and kink is relegated to those that are deviant,” Veronica Chin Hing, psychotherapist and sexologist with NYC Therapy + Wellness, told Indier.
But there’s no mental health condition, life experience, or unified reason for people wanting to engage in BDSM. According to Hammack, people are attracted to fetish and kink for a number of reasons, so trying to create a set list of reasons for liking BDSM is pointless.
“As psychologists, we’ve moved away from thinking about these kinds of practices or relationships as indicators of abnormality or disorder and more towards the recognition that this is a form of intimate diversity,” Hammack said.
An attraction to kink is common. According to Smithsonian Magazine, 36% of people in the US use some kind of bondage tools in bed and 65% of US university students fantasize about being restrained during sex – a number which doesn’t account for people interested in other elements of BDSM.
According to Hammack, who conducts nation-wide and international studies on BDSM, kink, and sex, a majority of people who report enjoying and engaging in BDSM don’t bring up traumatic experiences in their past as reasons for engaging in the practice.
And while there are people who have gone through trauma in BDSM communities (like any community), engaging in fetish sex can be a way to help people heal “by reclaiming power within a dynamic,” Hammack said.
BDSM sexual and lifestyle practices very greatly beyond the dominatrix and submissive dynamic, including humiliation (being mocked by degrading language), electroplay (being shocked by an electrical source), and gagging.
One subculture that have emerged over the last 20 years is known as pup play, in which one person typically role plays as a dog, dressing in a mask, collar, and leash, and the other acts as the dog’s owner.
Hammack said pup play emerged in part out of the gay men’s BDSM leather scene to provide a softer introduction to BDSM for younger men curious about the community.
“It’s a very kind of nurturing form of doing domination and submission, because if you think about the relationship between a dog owner and their pet is very sweet and affectionate,” Hammack said.
According to Hammack, the rise of online communities has made it possible for these different subcommunities to form.
“Especially thanks to social media, there’s been just this explosion of different kinds of kink, fetish subcultures,” Hammack said.
Myth: BDSM is just about sex.
While sexual dynamics are oftentimes between two people, people who engage in BDSM or fetish sex can form larger communities of support – making their sexual practices go beyond sex.
“The important thing is that people are fundamentally playing with power, they’re doing it with consent and in the process, they’re not only making meaning within these relationships and dynamics but sometimes within a larger group,” Hammack said.
USA – Financial domination, an erotic form of humiliation that involves a subordinate losing control of their wallet to the dominant, has been getting a lot of airtime in the past few years. However, despite findom’s empowered rhetoric and glamorous reputation, it can also be a somewhat difficult subset of sex work to break into — and that’s what Mistress Marley is trying to fix.
An NYC-based dominatrix with a client roster that includes “a 19-year-old kid in college who can only tribute $50 a month to a wealthy guy on Wall Street who can contribute a $1000,” Marley has subs across the board that do everything from pay her bills to send her gifts — which, on paper, can only be described as a dream job. That said, as a Black woman who started off without any guidance, she says getting to this point was a trying journey in and of itself.
After losing her job in 2017, Marley began looking into ways to “make money as a woman online using your sexuality.” Because while she had been a stripper before, this time around she was looking to control her work hours from the comfort of her own home — something that eventually led her to Twitter’s findom community.
“The biggest difference between findomming and other forms of sex work is that you don’t have to really be in physical contact with anyone,” she says. “Doing that in the safety of your home, branding and marketing it, being able to do your safety screening on your own. This form of sex work gives you more control.”
However, Marley adds that breaking into this particular line of work proved to be somewhat of a challenge. Starting without a mentor, Marley researched and studied what others were doing for almost half a year before even deciding to make a Twitter for herself — though the initial pushback she received from other findommes was, at times, discouraging.
“There were times when I’d go into other dommes’ inboxes, and they’d give me the cold shoulder, ignore me, or be rude,” she says. “They were like, I had to figure it out myself, because they figured it out themselves.”
Partially inspired by her own experience, Marley decided to create the Black Domme Sorority this past July. A “safe space for Black and Afro-Latina women to come together,” the 1,000 member strong organization allows newbies and veterans alike the ability to chat with each other and attend classes taught by Marley across the country. After all, as Marley says, within a space where many of the most visible players are white women, the importance of helping other women of color — who often “have to work harder, especially in terms of content and marketing and branding ourselves” — can’t be understated.
“There are a lot of Black women out there that can find complete financial freedom doing kinks like this, and there’s a market for it,” Marley says. She emphasizes the benefits of visibility, especially when talking about introducing other women to the subset of findom that revolves around reparations, Black female supremacy, and power-reversal play that sees white subs “living to serve us.” However, as she points out, given that even “talking about kink and fetish is still very taboo within the Black community,” she wanted the Black Domme Sorority to exist as a way of educating aspiring Black and Afro-Latina dommes.
“We don’t have that help,” she says. “But once people see someone who looks like them doing it, they’re more motivated to try.”
Above all though, she says the organization is meant to act as a support network for its members, whether that comes in the form of providing job opportunities for each other, creating emergency funds for sisters in need, or sharing essential industry-specific information — especially in a post-FOSTA/SESTA landscape. From teaching women about protecting their social media accounts from deletion to tips about dealing with banking institutions, the educational scope of the sorority is far-reaching, especially as findom has become much more visible.
While there’s something to be said about its increasing pop cultural presence, Marley admits that there are a lot of fundamental misunderstandings about findom still floating around. Reiterating that findommes don’t necessarily need to meet up or ever touch a client, she goes on to detail her annoyance with the idea that findomming as a concept is exploitative — even though pro findommes will never ask their subs for money.
“With the findom community, it is a bragging game,” she says, explaining that many findommes post their tributes as it encourages other subs to donate. “But when some people see all these big tributes coming in, they’re like, ‘Oh, you guys are just taking someone’s money. They’re not going to have any money for themselves.’ That’s not true.”
As Marley points out, most of the subs coming into the scene know that they won’t get anything, even something as small as a picture, in return. “But that’s part of their kink and why they like it,” she says, calling it a power-reversal “fantasy.” But it’s up to the sub themselves to know their financial limits when it comes to their tributes.
“If you have a sub that’s like, ‘Oh my God, Goddess, I don’t have any money, you’re taking all my money, that’s just part of the fantasy,” she continues. “The misconception that we are taking people’s money and being completely selfish and not caring if they have anything to spend is just wrong.”
Despite the negativity, Marley is still enamored with her job, as it allows her to “connect with so many different people and help them fulfill a fantasy, all while getting paid and feeling safe.” In fact, she sees findomming — as well as her advocation and education of other Black findommes — as a long-lasting career move.
“My goal is to open up a BDSM dungeon for Black and Afro-Latina women,” Marley says. “We do have dungeons [in NYC], but they’re very white-centric, so my goal is to have a safe space for us. And if that safe space can be funded by my findomming, well, that would just be amazing.”
Welcome to “Sex with Sandra,” a column by Sandra Song about the ever-changing face of sexuality. Whether it be spotlight features on sex work activists, deep dives into hyper-niche fetishes, or overviews on current legislation and policy, “Sex with Sandra” is dedicated to examining some of the biggest sex-related discussions happening on the Internet right now.
UK – EXCLUSIVE Francesca Freeman would inflict pain on doctors, bankers and lawyers earning up to £3,000 a week but having tormented more than 1,000 willing men, she has become a sex therapist
High-heeled dominatrix Francesca Freeman made a decent living out of lashing men – but now has hung up her whips to have a crack at a new job.
Francesca would charge £250 an hour to inflict excruciating pain on eager, submissive clients.
Kinky regulars included doctors, bankers and lawyers.
In tight black latex, Francesca made them plead for her to walk all over them.
She blindfolded them and beat them with cat-o’-nine-tails, canes, whips and paddles.
And they lapped it up. Business was good for Francesca, who earned up to £3,000 a week and made the most of it with a lavish lifestyle.
Satisfied clients, who knew her as Angelica Andrew, showered her with gifts such as £3,500 Ralph Lauren bags and Louis Vuitton boots.
One man flew her business class to St Lucia for a three-day session and paid her with a £16,000 BMW.
As well as physical punishment, Francesca would set the men strict homework – ordering them to send her raunchy pics of themselves while at work.
One client, a surgeon, sent rude snaps to her between performing operations.
But after 15 years of sadistic entertaining, Francesca decided to knock it on the head.
Having tormented more than 1,000 willing men, she has become a sex therapist.
Today she is more likely to straighten out men’s kinks rather than indulge them.
It was a painful episode in her own life that made her seek a fresh path.
Francesca had a romance with a man she met in a pub in the summer of 2017.
He was the love of her life but he split up with her and it broke her heart.
She recalled: “I was devastated and completely broken when he left me and I realised the men who came to see me were in pain too.
“I was masking their pain. I decided I wanted to really help them and help myself too. And that wasn’t hitting men with a whip.
“I look back now and think thank goodness I had this spiritual awakening or I could have ended up in prison.
“The things I was doing to these men were becoming increasingly extreme and could’ve easily gone wrong.”
As a life coach, Francesca, 56, a single mum with an eight-year-old son, is helping men with kinky fetishes and submissive tendencies beat their sex addictions.
She said: “I had an incredible lifestyle as a high-class dominatrix and thought I was really happy.
“But after I was dumped I was heartbroken and fell into depression. I carried on working but realised I was taking out my anger and hurt on the men who came to see me. I thought ‘what am I doing? This is mad.’
“I’d always known that the men who came to see me were in emotional pain but I didn’t care about that.
“I didn’t care about the pain I was causing them either.
“At some point I began talking to my clients and realised they were seeking escapism with me because of their traumatic pasts.
“It was a cycle of abuse I needed to stop.
“I wasn’t helping them or myself, so I decided to quit and re-train to help men.”
She found many of her clients were vulnerable and some were simply trying to escape the monotony of their daily lives.
She said: “I didn’t want to carry that on and vowed to help them battle their demons and sex addictions.
“Men and women tend to think their masochistic tendencies are wired into their core but they’re usually a result of past trauma.
“Leaving the industry was an easy decision and I cried with disgust at the end of my last session.”
Francesca, who has not had sex with any of her former clients, sold all her possessions and spent a month at a retreat in South Goa, India, learning meditation, yoga and healthier ways to combat trauma.
Back in the UK she moved to a rented two-bed bungalow, converted a room into a studio and set up life coaching business Mind Body Men.
It aims to “empower and release men from stress” and steer them from the darker side of the sex industry for instant gratification.
Her one-on-one sessions for men include life coaching, guided meditation, yoga and massage.
She offers life coaching sessions for women – though none of her female clients are sex addicts or have masochistic tendencies. And she plans to train in hypnotherapy.
Her income has taken a hit. The rates are £80 an hour instead of £250 for S&M sessions.
Flash cars and holidays have been replaced by a modest Fiat Punto and gentle family breaks.
Francesca, of Milton Keynes, Bucks, says: “My life isn’t about money any more.
Instead of weeks in the sun while staying in all-inclusive hotels, I’ll take my son camping in Wales.”
Old clients still beg her for dominatrix sessions but she refuses them.
She said: “I’ve helped 30 men fight sex addictions and kinks, including five previous clients. I’m really proud of that.
“Focusing on my son and business is so much more rewarding.
“The men I’ve helped recently thanked me so much for helping them.
“They said I’ve changed their lives for the better.”
PARIS/UK –‘British guys tend to be quite reserved – until you get them behind closed doors and then all hell breaks loose – while French guys are much more open about being into fetish and kink.’ The words of a British dominatrix who has set up shop in Paris.
Lady Bellatrix has been operating in central Paris for about 18 months since moving from the UK and has become one of the most high profile international dominatrices operating on the French scene.
And France can thank Brexit and her French mother-in-law for her arrival on these shores.
Lady Bellatrix, who was born in Canada but moved to Britain and has British citizenship, is now something of a star of the fetish scene and charges €450 for a 90 minute appointment.
Her clientele is international – she saw people from 11 different countries last year – but Brits and of course French men are heavily represented.
She said: “Being in Paris is great because of course a lot of people travel here, so I have regular clients who come here from the UK a few times a year on business and come and see me too.
“I have people who have travelled from Kuwait and Dubai to see me after finding my videos online, and of course I have a lot of French clients.”
For French men the requirements include – beside paying the hefty fee and being prepared to worship at the feet of Lady Bellatrix – speaking English.
She said: “I’m learning French and I’m getting more confident so now I do the odd session in French but I find it easier to speak English.
“I have private tutor sessions with a French man who is a male dom, so that’s handy for me learning the vocabulary I need for my work, a well as the basic French grammar.”
Despite her dual nationality, Lady Bellatrix markets herself very much as British “the stern British mistress is very popular”.
She trained in her craft with a British dominatrix and feels her style is very British.
She said: “I’m much more stern and strict than dommes in the USA or Canada and I do a lot more corporal punishment – that’s really popular with British guys, more so than any other nationality and it’s a big part of the scene in the UK.
“I find that British guys tend to be more reserved – on the surface at least – but French men are more open about what they’re in to.
“One of my British friends had her dungeon next to the Bluewater Shopping Centre in Kent and she always had a huge spike in business in December, as men told their wives they were off Christmas shopping but went to visit her instead.
“But December is usually a good month for me as well, people are in a party mood and more likely to treat themselves – we all tend to get a little treat for ourselves as well as buying presents for other people.”
Although she enjoyed her time in Britain, it was Brexit that persuaded her to make the move to France.
She said: “I was married to a French guy so visited my mother-in-law in Paris anyway.
“I used to do tours quite regularly in France – advertising in advance that I was going to be there for a month – and then I would go and visit my mother-in-law afterwards.
“I stayed close with her even after my husband and I split up and she was very accepting.
“I was spending several months of the year in Paris and I knew I wanted to carry on spending time here, so when Brexit happened I decided to make the move permanently.”
And it was a good move, as she is now a star of the fetish scene, with 48,000 followers on Twitter and hundreds of subscribers to her videos.
She divides her time roughly 50/50 between performances on camera – some pre-recorded videos and some live on webcam – and ‘real time’ visits from devoted slaves.
People who want to visit – and it is strictly by advance booking only with a non-refundable deposit – can indulge in a variety of activities including foot fetishism, bondage, humiliation, latex, corporal punishment or cleaning her apartment.
There are also some more extreme activities on offer. She said: “I think the cane is my favourite – it’s so very British.”
And being British seems to offer a distinct advantage in the industry.
“I did a performance on camera about Brexit that was really popular with French guys. And I sometimes incorporate current affairs into my performances – the other day I told a slave ‘Do not disrespect your queen – look what happened to Prince Harry!”
So, Brexit paperwork permitting, she’s here to stay and has plans to expand into a bigger dungeon.
And – in a sign that she’s truly embracing the French way of life – she’s even joined a union.
UK – A THREE-TIMES divorced grandmother who embarked on a career as a dominatrix trains bored housewives in BDSM for £120 an hour.
After publicly sharing how she became a professional dominatrix Sherry Lever, 68, was inundated with over a hundred requests from women keen to “learn the ropes”.
The leather-loving granny from Swindon, Wiltshire, revealed how she “reinvented herself” as a phone-sex worker, before becoming a mistress.
“After giving it some thought, I appeared on television where I told my story,” she told Barcroft TV.
“Afterwards it was a revelation — I got lots of emails from women.
“I think I had easily a hundred emails from women, I answered them all.
“It really touched me and it actually made me feel I was helping somebody who had been in my situation.”
I think I had easily a hundred emails from women, I answered them allSherry Lever
Proudly going by her alter ego Mistress Sophia, the mother-of-three maintained her children are completely understanding of her unconventional career path — with her services costing as much as £120 per hour.
One woman happy to fork out the fee was a 50-year-old officer worker, who now goes by Mistress Chloe.
After witnessing some of the sessions, she is now considering giving up her office job to become a full-time dominatrix.
“Sherry has changed my life for the better,” boasted Mistress Chloe.
“Before I was in just nine-to-five office job, now I have men that come over to hoover and clean my kitchen for me.
“If they don’t do it good, they get a caning, I paddle them and whip them.”
If they don’t do it good, they get a caning, I paddle them and whip themMistress Chloe
Mistress Sofia offers a range of specialist services, from flogging and humiliation to ice play and sissy training to her submissives.
But she wants to dismiss the misconception that what she does is sex work and insists she does not have sex with any of her clients.
She continued: “So we are labelled under sex workers, sex business, sex industry — I want to dispel that fact.
“I want people to understand we are not escorts — I don’t have sex with my subs or slaves.
“They are only allowed to worship my feet, nothing above the ankles.”
The cheeky granny recently converted her conservatory into her ‘playroom’, boasting an impressive array of kinky paraphernalia from rubber masks to French maid outfits.
“I might be elderly, but I have zing in me,” she concluded.
AUSTRALIA – A nudist retreat primarily used by couples over the age of 50 has been touted as Australia’s answer to the Playboy Mansion.
Rainer Mueckenberger runs the Noosa Edge Paradise facility, which is hidden in plain sight in holiday haven of Noosa, on the Sunshine Coast.
The 70-year-old naturist offers bondage courses, tantric massages and pleasure rooms for his guests, as well as an onsite gym.
Romantic rock cave spa treatments for couples can also be purchased separately in ‘The Cave’ where people have the option of nestling into ceiling-high bubbles.
The Cave shares similarities with the original Playboy Mansion cave spa, which lit up at night and was often used for Hugh Hefner’s infamous parties.
Mr Mueckenberger believes he has created an oasis where people, particularly couples who are later in life, can reconnect with their sensual sides and explore their sexual curiosities.
He said plenty of his clients are working professionals who feel they can come inside and drop their inhibitions.
‘They want to drop their police uniform or their building uniform,’ he said. ‘You drop all your clothes and we are all the same.’
Mr Mueckenberger previously told StartsAt60 the general assumption when he discusses his facility is that it hosts swingers events.
‘I have a naturist retreat, I don’t promote swingers parties but if you ring up and explain you want to rent The Cave for the night, I will book that,’ he said.
In some cases, The Cave has been hired by more than one couple in a night.
‘People want to come here to explore and play,’ he said. ‘If they’ve been married for a certain amount of years, they might become too shy to actually talk about their fantasies and fetishes.
Room prices start at about $280 per night and go up to $400 per night, but services come at an extra cost.
A specially designed BDSM room stocked with chains, gags, ropes, a suspension cross, whipping benches and floggers are also available for an additional cost.
With enough notice, the venue can also make experienced dominatrix’s available.
The experiences are open to anybody over the age of 18, but Mr Mueckenberger previously said most of his clients were in their 50s or 60s.
USA – In a world where Gen Z is casually posting bondage and rope play demonstrations on TikTok and where everybody and their mom has delightfully slurped up the Fifty Shades franchise, BDSM can feel like it’s become the norm. Even those who don’t practice it know about it, and curiosity about trying it is on the rise.
One in five people has engaged in BDSM, according to a 2019 review published in the Journal of Sex Research, and somewhere between 40 and 70% of people are interested in it. One study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2015 found 65% of women and 53% of men fantasized about being sexually dominated, and 47% of women and 60% of men fantasized about dominating someone else. As for non-binary folks, the research is frustratingly scarce, but sex researcher Justin Lehmiller’s survey of over 4,000 Americans found non-binary people are more likely to fantasize about certain BDSM acts, such as bondage, discipline, sadism, and humiliation.
Although BDSM—which includes bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, and other related sexual practices—has been around for decades, mainstream interest in it certainly seems new and hotly on the rise. A 2017 survey of 400,000 OkCupid members found people were 23% more likely to say they’re into BDSM than they were in 2013. And there’s significant overlap with the LGBTQ+ community, which has deep historical ties to the kink community: According to a 2019 review in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, more than a third of the BDSM community identifies as LGBTQ+, with 23% specifically identifying as bisexual.
It makes sense that as we continue to become more sexually progressive, pleasure-positive, and inclusive of diverse sexual interests, BDSM is finding its way into the public consciousness. But what exactly does wading into the world of BDSM actually look like for an individual?
I spoke with 10 people who shared how they got into BDSM and what exactly happened during their first-ever experience with it. Here’s what they told me.
“I ended up practicing it with a guy I was hooking up with.”
I first got into BDSM after moving to the Bay Area last year for graduate school. I knew what BDSM was but hadn’t really known what I liked. I was introduced to a few things at the Folsom Street Fair, and I ended up practicing it with a guy I was hooking up with. We practiced D/s or Dom/sub [dominance and submission] scenes, impact play (paddling, flogging, spanking), [and] breath play (ball gags and choking). It felt really great! I was really fascinated with how it felt so good even though I was feeling pain.
[While I was a] little apprehensive and anxious [about trying BDSM], I was excited. During [the act], [I felt a] little more apprehension and excitement, [but] I was definitely starting to feel turned on. Afterward, I was on a bit of an adrenaline rush. I was feeling satisfied in more ways than one. I didn’t have any expectations and I hoped that I would find something I enjoyed. Currently, I practice BDSM in the bedroom and at parties or events, [but I] mostly [do it by myself]. I enjoy learning new things about myself, my sexuality, and my sensuality, and I feel that BDSM has shown me and given me a safe space for that. Free of judgment.
—Womxn, 24, from Oakland, CA
“The entire experience came as a surprise, and we enjoyed it.”
Recently, my partner and I dabbled in the BDSM part. [We] started with the basic hands being tied to [the] bedpost, spanking, using ice, pouring wine and drinking [it] from the body, which escalated into good rough foreplay [and] made her orgasm more than a few times in a go. For her and me, the entire experience came as a surprise, and we enjoyed it. [We’re] looking to take it to the next step soon.
The sole reason why my partner and I tried BDSM was [because we wanted to] try something new and exciting—and honestly, Fifty Shades of Grey was talked about a lot back then. We always [wanted] to give it a go sometime to see if it [was] something that we [would] like and enjoy.
Speaking of feeling, it really felt amazing, as it was a very new thing that we tried in bed [together]. [While] we enjoyed it a lot, it somehow brought us closer to each other. I guess we’re now more aware of each other’s body, physically and even more mentally.
—Hiraj, 24, from Mumbai, India
“I’m glad that I had the chance to experience it and learn from professionals first.”
Originally what got me interested in BDSM was the famous Fifty Shades of Grey franchise. The first movie came out during my freshman year of college, and pretty much everyone in my dorm was talking about it. Eventually, I developed a better understanding of what BDSM is because I started traveling to different sex conferences in America, so naturally, I became more exposed to kink.
My first BDSM experience just so happened to be at one of those conferences, EXXXOTICA. There was a section called “the dungeon experience” in which attendees could learn more about the fetish lifestyle and participate in various kink-related activities with BDSM practitioners in a laid back and controlled setting. I thought it’d be pretty cool to be suspended so I went to the area with a bunch of rope to get tied up and hung from a metal cage. It felt a lot more relaxing than it probably looked. The rush of endorphins and adrenaline inside my body made me feel as though I was floating, and I mean that in the best way possible. It was like an out-of-body experience. I’m glad I had the chance to experience it and learn from professionals first because it influenced the way I incorporate BDSM into my sexual life today. I’m better with sexual communication and more cognizant of body language. I make sure to address safe words before play, and I’ve been able to utilize and teach proper techniques for certain acts like temperature play, edge play, and impact play rather than just attempting to be like the way I see in mainstream media and calling it BDSM.
—Tatyannah, 24, from Durham, North Carolina
“BDSM grew out of an exploration of my sexuality.”
I’ve always been what I call “kink adjacent,” [which means] that most of my closest friends are involved in BDSM. One of my oldest friends was a leather daddy in the Castro District and shared his experiences freely with me. He brought me to Folsom Street Fair in 2001, which was the first time I actually saw impact play, but I was still in denial that it was something I wanted and didn’t have any personal experience until a few years ago.
BDSM grew out of an exploration of my sexuality. I’d always known I was bi, but being married to a cishet guy since I was 25, it wasn’t a major factor in my life until I decided to come out publicly in 2017. As I explored what being bi means to me and learning to be more fully engaged with my sexuality, my spouse and I began to explore BDSM. As he points out, we’d engaged in some rough play/wrestling when we were younger and been fascinated with my friend’s experiences, so it wasn’t a big surprise that BDSM had an appeal.
We’re lucky that we live in San Francisco where the kink community is large and active and have dedicated spaces for safe exploration and play. Our first experience was two years ago at a small workshop at The Citadel where the workshop leader, an experienced Dom, provided instruction on proper techniques to avoid injury as well as which toys for us to try out. We started with floggers, which I loved, but I was also curious about caning, so we asked the workshop leader if he would cane me. It hurt a lot more than I expected, so much that I felt nauseated, but then the endorphins hit. After four strokes, I was in subspace for the first time, and that was wonderful. Floaty and mellow, I pretty much curled up next to my spouse and purred for the rest of the session.
Since then, we’ve acquired a pretty substantial toy chest—floggers, paddles, canes, pinwheels and cat claws, bondage cuffs and restraints, spanking gloves, clothespins—we’re exploring a full-time D/s relationship.
One of the things I love about kink and BDSM is that, because we do things that can cause injury, communication is absolutely essential. Intentionality is important, so we talk about what kind of experience we want beforehand—am I looking for pain or sensuality or sensation? Does anything hurt? Is anything off-limits? Do I want to be in a subspace when we’re done? Has my mind been spinning a thousand miles an hour and I need to let go for a bit? What are my limits? I think this is one aspect of BDSM most people don’t understand: how much communication goes into a successful experience. Affirmative, informed consent is absolutely paramount, and it’s sexy as hell—knowing what my partner is going to do to me, knowing how it’s going to make me feel…that’s part of the fun.
—Raven, 54, from San Francisco
“The only thing that felt wrong was that I was engaging in BDSM with a man instead of a woman.”
I had started watching BDSM porn and I thought it may be something fun to try. I’m a fairly sexually experienced person, but it was something I had never done [before]. I met a man on Tinder, we discussed BDSM, and we scheduled a drink date for that weekend. We got drinks, charged for hours, and then got into sex. We both went into the encounter knowing BDSM was desired, so he slowly eased me into it, making me feel comfortable and cared for. There was a lot of trial and error, but he was much more experienced in BDSM than me. This was someone I met on a dating app, who I sought out specifically because his profile mentioned BDSM, and I was really into the idea of the kink.
[We did] hair pulling, handcuffs, blindfolds, and impact play. I think I was a bit indifferent to it at the moment. I was enjoying it, but not really thinking about it other than to enjoy it. Afterward, it felt a little strange, like when you reflect on something you’re not sure about. But ultimately, I decided it did feel good. I’m not someone who connects sex with emotions normally, so I didn’t feel anything really too emotional after it, other than maybe exhausted. I was nervous leading up to the encounter, but mostly just due to inexperience.
I actually first tried BDSM with a man, so it did affect [the experience] a bit. I identified as bisexual then, but I remember thinking about the act after and realizing that the only thing that felt wrong was that I was engaging in BDSM with a man instead of a woman. Now, fully knowing I’m interested in only women, it’s always a satisfying experience. It’s often something I seek out in a sexual partner now—or at least the willingness to try. It’s a big part of what gets me off, but I want to be sure they enjoy it too!
—Isabelle, 23, from New York
“I knew I was kinky since I started reading fanfic.”
I got into the [BDSM] scene through a discussion group at my college’s LGBTQ center. I knew I was kinky since I started reading fanfic, but that was my first experience actually interacting with the community. I ended up going to a play party with some people from the group at one of their apartments. It was a really enjoyable experience for me. I ended up getting tied up with rope, which is still one of my top kinks and also got to do a bit of domming (which is something I’m still exploring to this day). Overall, I felt good about how it went. That community was a big help for me as I was in a toxic situation with someone [who was] not a part of the group, and it was really nice to have clear boundaries and expectations in the BDSM community.
I was definitely nervous the first time [I did it], but everyone I was with made me feel really comfortable and did a good job of negotiating, and I still look back on those experiences very fondly, and honestly, as a bright point in my life. Nowadays, BDSM is a really big part of my life. I have three partners, all of who are also kinky. I honestly find that I enjoy kink more than vanilla sex, and I’m totally happy to just do a rope scene or sensation play and not have any kind of intercourse. I’m going to a community event in the new year with all my partners, and I’m really excited to be able to explore all of our dynamics interacting. BDSM really has helped me with [my] relationships overall, and I love the emphasis on communication and not having any assumptions about boundaries or desires.
—Genderqueer person, 22, from Boston
“We planned our first session for perhaps a couple of months.”
I got out of a five-and-a-half-year sexless (but loving) relationship in April and pretty much immediately went on Tinder to make up for lost time. I initially just wanted to have a lot of sex, but I met a guy I clicked with and ended up in a relationship with. He was aware of my unintentional celibacy and, being a fairly sexual person himself, we had a lot of conversations about what I wanted from my sex life. BDSM was something we were both interested in. He had a little more experience than I did, so I took a lot of cues from him when we were talking about it beforehand. He taught me a lot of things I didn’t know at the time—how regimented sessions can be, the fact that there are distinct “parts” to a session, before care and aftercare, etc.
We planned our first session for perhaps a couple of months. I bought a crop and a collar, and we talked about our boundaries. We decided that I should dom first, even though I’m probably a natural sub and he’s more of a dom. I have trouble with vulnerability in the bedroom, and we had this idea that “in order to sub, you first have to dom.” I think what we meant by that was that to truly understand how vulnerable you have to be as a sub, you might need to experience it through someone else first.
I also read The New Topping Book—which was recommended to me by someone in a BDSM Facebook group I joined—and which I would recommend to absolutely everyone looking to embark on a BDSM relationship.
I was a little nervous going in, particularly because I was taking on the dom role—one I never thought I would inhabit. It helped that he was a bit more experienced, so at least one of us could guide the other through things beforehand. However, when the session began, I was suddenly calm and trusted that we would communicate well. Things flowed pretty smoothly after that. I think I enjoyed taking on the role more than I thought I would.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously (and I think he thought that too, because he impressed upon me the importance of me not breaking character a lot beforehand). But it wasn’t funny. It was, however, fun, and caring and arousing. I thought I might feel a bit silly, but the fact that he was getting a lot out of it meant that I did too. I didn’t know I’d feel so powerful and that I would enjoy that a lot.
Before [we did BDSM], I was quite nervous, and I might have drank a bit too much. He was very patient and calm, though, which helped. I don’t know how it would have gone if we’d both been new to the experience. I would probably never have initiated the idea of BDSM, so perhaps I’d still be wondering.
We’ve since had one more session. I was the sub, and I think those roles fit us both a bit better. We are planning to do it more and explore the scene further to try different things each time. I’d like to take things a bit further, perhaps with more extended sessions. It also opened us up to exploring our other fetishes (i.e. sploshing and loss of control).
—Erica, 34, from Edinburgh, Scotland
“She looked up at me and said, ‘Can you please drag me by my hair while I suck your cock?’”
I first got into BDSM when I was casually hooking up with this girl, and this one time, we were talking about each other’s biggest turn-ons. She was shy and submissive and told me she really likes it when a guy pulls on her hair. And I said, “Sure, I am down for that.” But then she said she wanted me to pull really hard. At that point, I pulled on her hair and said, “like this?” She said, “No, I like it pulled harder.” At that point I thought to myself I just pulled her hair pretty hard, and she wants it harder? I was somewhat worried. I didn’t want to hurt her.
I remember I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and she walked over to me and started giving me head. She asked me if I could stand up for a while for a better position. I obliged. She then took my hands and put it on her head and told me to pull her hair. I pulled on it pretty hard. She told me that was good, but she wants it harder. At that point, I thought to myself, how much harder does she want it? Then she starts sucking my balls as she was looking up at me and said, “Can you please drag me by my hair while I suck your cock?”
At that point, I was excited and turned on, but at the same time [I was] worried [because] I didn’t want to hurt her. So I took a few steps backward with both of my hands still on her hair and I dragged her towards me and I could tell she was really turned on. I felt power and control, and it was an amazing feeling that I wanted to experience over and over again. I dragged her several more times until I ended up orgasming while she was deep-throating me.
After that experience, we started to explore other BDSM activities. We experimented with me restraining her to the bed and punishing her which involved choking her, slapping her, and having full control of her. We did have some limitations which we discussed ahead of time, but almost everything was on the table except not bruising her to the point of her bleeding.
That’s how I got into BDSM, and I am glad I did!
—Marcus, 30, from Toronto, Canada
“He bought me a pair of handcuffs at 13.”
My first serious high school boyfriend introduced me to BDSM. He bought me a pair of handcuffs at 13 (he was 15). We used to go mountain biking in a state park near our homes and would get back up into the hills. He would handcuff me and we would engage in oral sex, fisting, and other sex acts. At the time I was not aware this was neither completely common nor was that it was considered BDSM. It was the late 1980s, and without the internet or access to many books on sexuality in the library or local book store, I couldn’t contextualize my behavior. For me, public sex, exhibitionism, bondage, and fisting were all just fun parts of sex.
By the age of 15, I had become very active in the local queer community. Meeting older lesbian and gay men in the San Francisco Bay Area, I discovered the leather community. Through them, I learned about what leather was, what kink was, and that there were actually books to learn about this stuff. I found a local gay bookstore in San Jose, CA, and picked up books about BDSM and erotica. I learned about consent, setting boundaries, and various activities that make up kink.
It was wonderful to learn that what I did and what I liked had a name and an entire community which embraced it as normal. Having BDSM as part of my experience of becoming sexual deeply ingrained the practices of talking about sexual needs, boundaries, and establishing consent. Growing into my sexuality parallel with my kinks in a time where the only people who really knew what I was doing were also kinksters helped limit the shame or apprehension around exploration that so many other folks have.
—Rebecca, 45, from Grass City, California
“It was a deeply bonding experience.”
My husband Adam and I first tried BDSM for about five years into our marriage. Things were getting stale, and we had heard a lot about it. We started by talking about it—what we did and did not want, why we wanted it, etc. We started by him tying me up (blindfolded). After foreplay, we slowly moved into sex (it was hard not to simply turn this into tied up but otherwise normal sex). He eventually got more aggressive, almost primal, reading my cues. We also had a candle burning, and he poured a few drops of the wax (after asking my permission) on my breast. Being blindfolded, it’s as if all the energy that goes into your vision is sent to heighten other senses like touch. This made the sensations during foreplay and sex so much more intense. It also made the wax feel amazing when it was poured on my body, but the burn that came a few seconds afterward was too much, so I asked him to stop. Overall, it was a deeply bonding experience—partly because your partner is taking you into unknown territory, which requires trust that he kept the entire time. It’s both thrilling and deeply bonding—something I didn’t expect.
Today, we enjoy other aspects like toys and groups more, so BDSM isn’t central, but it’s something we engage in about five times a year—usually when we’re feeling extra frisky. It’s difficult because it requires pre-sex discussion and alignment, which means it isn’t something we can jump into right before or in the middle of sex.
—Sally, 37, from Washington, D.C.
Interviews have been condensed and edited for clarity.
UK – BRISTOL – A Bristol woman is starting workshops to teach people how to try out bondage safely.
Victorine, of Knot your Friend, is a member of both the LGBTQ+ and kinky community and decided to create the events because she felt there weren’t enough spaces where these two communities overlap.
The organiser said BDSM could be very straight-orientated so she wanted change the dynamic and create a space that was female-led and where queer people felt comfortable.
Victorine said: “I thought we can turn this down a notch and create a space that is friendly and warm.
“Our focus is on communication and exploring verbally our fantasies first.
“It is not a play party – it is a place where you go to get skills.
“It is not a sex party, that is very important.”
Her aim was to create a safe space which didn’t look like a dungeon, she continued, where everything is very black and people wear leather.
The teacher said her bondage and rope workshops were focused on technique and approach, adding she felt people weren’t able to do things properly unless they had been educated.
“That is the problem at the moment,” she added. “There has been a massive increase of popularity of BDSM because of Fifty Shades of Grey – BDSM has gone into the mainstream but there are things that have not been addressed.
“People talk about consent but before you can get consent you have to define boundaries.
“That second part is the one being skipped in the mainstream and I want to address that.”
Victorine – who has been part of the BDSM scene for six years – said the workshops would start with a warm up and a discussion around anatomy, followed by attendants then being taught how to tie themselves up.
“It is a great way to get the feel for being tied,” she added. “If you don’t tie yourself nicely, you know – it is a faster way to learn.
“After that, people can tie each other up and will have some time to socialise.”
The organiser said people were attracted to bondage for a variety of reasons including fulfilling fantasies and a feeling of letting go.
The beginner’s class has now sold out, but you can find out more here.
USA – An email proves disgraced ex-FBI Director James Comey personally approved an FBI effort to have the wild and unsubstantiated “golden showers” claim about President Trump included in material to be considered for publication in the U.S. Intelligence Community’s official report on alleged Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.
The Comey email, which has not received media attention until now, was revealed inside the Justice Department’s recently released 476-page Inspector General report on the FBI’s Russia collusion investigation.
The IG report further discloses a separate email in which Andrew McCabe, who served under Comey as the FBI’s deputy director, specifically wanted dossier author Christopher Steele’s unverified “pee” charges against Trump to be included in the body of the January 6, 2017 U.S. Intelligence Community report, known as the ICA, assessing alleged Russian interference efforts.
McCabe opposed a CIA compromise to only reference Steele’s controversial dossier in an appendix of the ICA report, with McCabe arguing for it to be included in the body of the report where it would clearly get more attention.
In his email on the subject, McCabe seemed to be speaking on behalf of Comey’s FBI, using the noun “we.”
Referencing Steele’s charges, McCabe wrote:
We oppose CIA’s current plan to include it as an appendix; there are a number of reasons why I feel strongly that it needs to appear in some fashion in the main body of the reporting, and I would welcome the chance to talk to you about it tomorrow.
Comey himself personally approved of the inclusion of Steele’s wild claims in the ICA assessment, an email published in the IG report discloses. The IG report relates that the CIA did not want Steele’s claims to be included at all, downgrading Steele’s charges to “internet rumor.” Still, Comey and McCabe pushed for the wild anti-Trump claims to be part of the ICA assessment, which was ultimately made public.
The ICA was a joint effort of the FBI, NSA and CIA with oversight from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI), which published the report.
Comey, former CIA Director turned anti-Trump activist John Brennan and former Director of National Intelligence and Trump critic James Clapper have been the subjects of a dispute over which top Obama administration officials advocated for the infamous Steele dossier to be utilized as evidence in the ICA report.
Now the IG report cites emails from Comey and McCabe as well as testimony from members of the intelligence community showing it was Comey and McCabe who lobbied for Steele’s wild sexual claims about Trump to be part of the official ICA probe.
Steele’s dossier infamously claimed that while Trump was staying in the presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Moscow in 2013, the real estate mogul hired “a number of prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ (urination) show in front of him.” The dossier claimed Trump wanted to “defile” the bed because he learned that President Obama had used the same suite during a trip to Russia.
Steele was hired to produce his material for Fusion GPS, which was paid for its anti-Trump work by Trump’s primary political opponents, namely Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign and the Democratic National Committee (DNC) via the Perkins Coie law firm.
A December 16, 2016 email from the FBI’s Intel Section Chief made clear McCabe was arguing for the wild sexual claims to be included in the official ICA report.
Referring to McCabe as “deputy director,” the section chief wrote that McCabe wanted “details like the potential compromising material, etc.” to be included in the FBI’s official submission to the intelligence community for material to be considered for the ICA report.
That same day, the FBI’s Intel Section Chief sent an email to other FBI officials including controversial FBI employee Peter Strzok. The missive contained a draft of the FBI’s official submission to the ICA effort that included Steele’s unsubstantiated claims.
The next day, Comey completed his review of the FBI’s official submission and personally approved of Steele’s dossier reports to be included in the ICA assessment.
In an email to Strzok, McCabe and others, Comey described a phone call he had with then Director of National Intelligence James Clapper, writing that he told Clapper to include the Steele reports.
“Looks okay to me,” Comey wrote, approving of the FBI submission that encompassed Steele’s dossier charges.
Comey’s email continued:
FYI: During a secure call last night on this general topic, I informed the DNI that we would be contributing the [Steele] reporting (although I didn’t use that name) to the IC [Intelligence Community] effort. I stressed that we were proceeding cautiously to understand and attempt to verify the reporting as best we can, but we thought it important to bring it forward to the IC effort.
Comey went on to document that he vouched for Steele’s so-called sources while admitting that he didn’t tell Clapper about FBI efforts to verify the claims. The FBI at the time could not verify the charges.
Comey wrote:
I told him the source of the material, which included salacious material about the President-Elect, was a former [REDACTED] who appears to be a credible person with a source and sub-source network in position to report on such things, but we could not vouch for the material. (I said nothing further about the source or our efforts to verify).
Comey may have even more egg on his face for vouching for Steele’s alleged sources following the publication of the IG report, which relates that Comey’s own FBI found serious sourcing problems and glaring issues with the way Steele reported the “pee” claim.
Meanwhile, Comey’s FBI fought back against attempts by the CIA to remove Steele’s claims from the ICA report.
The IG report reveals the CIA expressed concern about using the Steele election reporting in the ICA assessment, with the CIA viewing Steele’s claims to be no more than “internet rumor.”
States the IG report:
The Supervisory Intel Analyst explained that the CIA believed that the Steele election reporting was not completely vetted and did not merit inclusion in the body of the report. The Intel Section Chief stated that the CIA viewed it as “internet rumor.”
That’s when McCabe stepped in and strongly pushed for Steele’s claims to be including in the body of the ICA report and not relegated to the appendix as part of a comprise with the CIA.
“McCabe’s view did not prevail,” the IG report relates. “The final ICA report was completed early in the first week of January 2017, and included a short summary and assessment of the Steele election reporting, which was incorporated in an appendix.”
Comey, Brennan and Clapper were previously the subjects of a dispute about which senior official advocated for Steele’s dossier to be included in the ICA report.
The fiasco was kicked into high gear after Fox News cited “sources familiar with the records” pointing to an email chain from late-2016 showing Comey allegedly telling FBI employees that it was Brennan who insisted that the anti-Trump dossier be included in a January 6, 2017 U.S. Intelligence Community report, known as the ICA, assessing Russian interference efforts.
A former CIA official, clearly defending Brennan, shot back at the assertion, instead claiming that it was Brennan and Clapper who opposed a purported push by Comey to include the dossier charges in the ICA.
The IG report shows it was indeed Comey who pushed for the dossier’s inclusion in the ICA material.
Aaron Klein is Breitbart’s Jerusalem bureau chief and senior investigative reporter. He is a New York Times bestselling author and hosts the popular weekend talk radio program, “Aaron Klein Investigative Radio.” Follow him on Twitter @AaronKleinShow. Follow him on Facebook.
Joshua Klein contributed research to this article.
(A professional dominatrix, according to the book, is someone “educated in BDSM technique (bondage, discipline, sadomasochism) who safely, ethically and skillfully manifests her client’s kinky fantasies. A “true dominatrix deeply enjoys the feeling of exerting power and control.”)
But, Goldwert adds, the book “ended up being a much more nuanced examination of what it means to ask for what you want and how to ask for it in the workplace and also from ourselves.” Indeed, these professional dominatrixes taught Goldwert a ton about power — of her words, mind, body, desire — as well as key money and career lessons. Here are four lessons from dominatrixes that could change the way you approach your finances and career.
Make your money “serve you”
When I asked Goldwert the No. 1 money lesson she learned from these dominatrix interviews, she told me this: Your purchases and lifestyle should be “serving you.”
“Outside of our bills, our discretionary income is a tool to get us to our goals. And yet, we spend our money to please other people’s expectations of how we should live our lives. This can mean going out for friends’ fancy birthday dinners, attending destination weddings, or buying or leasing a fancier model car. I started to think about all my purchases and the purpose they serve. And if they don’t serve a purpose that will make my life better, I try my hardest to avoid making them. Who is this purchase for? How will it help me? There needs to be an answer,” Goldwert explains.
“Only we know what we need; we can’t let others dictate it for us,” she adds
.
Create a “personal code of conduct” to find out if your job is “serving you”
“I was very inspired by the idea of having a personal code of conduct. Your company does, why shouldn’t you? This can help you figure out if your job is serving you or if you’re serving your job,” she explains, laying out these examples:
I deserve to be paid on time
I deserve to be spoken to with respect
I deserve to know what’s expected of me
I need to be able to take my vacation days
“If your workplace or boss continually violates your code of conduct, you may want to think about whether or not you want to work there,” Goldwert adds.
Find your “position of power” when asking for a raise
“Dommes taught me a lot about power dynamics. No one is in a position of power when they’re asking for a raise. However, if you’re doing a good job (and you have the data to back it up), you’re in more of a position of power than you realize. After all, if you leave, your boss will have to find a replacement, train that person, and it will likely be a huge inconvenience for her. So you should go in there not from a position hoping you get a raise but from the stance of raising yourself in her eyes so that it becomes a conversation about keeping you rather than can they keep you happy for a job well done,” Goldwert explains.
Make a “safe space” to talk about money with your partner
“Dominatrixes are communication ninjas. Every aspect of what they do in a session is negotiated beforehand. Every aspect is consensual. Everyone needs to know what will and can happen in a session so no one gets emotionally or physically hurt and everyone will have fun. There’s no room for mixed signals, passive aggression, or not being sure what the other person wants or can handle. How can this be sexy? Well, there’s freedom and joy when you understand how much you can do within boundaries,” says Goldwert.
This is a lesson, she says, that you can apply to how you talk to your partner about money. “Couples cannot be afraid to talk about their finances in detail. Yes, it may feel like torture, there may be shame and fear … A lack of financial communication between couples is just as damaging as a lack of sexual communication. Put your cards on the table early, tell the other that they’re in a safe space to share their financial truths and fears, and then you both can make plans for a future that you can live, love, and grow with,” Goldwert explains.
BELGIUM – The University of Antwerp wants to break the taboo on BDSM, and conducted a unique experiment in a fetish club in Flanders, where researchers measured the biological processes of participants.
As a part of the study, researchers of the university went to a fetish club over the course of 12 evenings, to measure and analyse the pain and pleasure that are associated with BDSM, which in full stands for Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), and Sadism and Masochism (SM).
In 2017, a survey, also by the University of Antwerp, among 1028 Flemish respondents revealed that almost half (46.8%) of them had engaged in a BDSM activity at least once before.
For this study, the researchers mapped out the biological mechanisms at play during the BDSM sessions of 35 experienced couples who volunteered to be studied, using questionnaires, blood samples, algometers (to measure the pain threshold), GSR sensors (to monitor stress) and heart rate monitors. Several observers also methodically kept track of the interactions during the sessions.
“This really is the first study of its kind in the world. For our research, we worked closely with Club 78, a BDSM association in the municipality of Ham in the province of Limburg,” said Professor Manuel Morrens, who carried out the research together with Elise Wuyts, a psychiatric assistant who supervised the research, according to the university.
“We see a significant increase in both stress and pleasure hormones for the submissive BDSM partners,” said Wuyts, reports VRT. “The pleasure reaction can even be linked to the stress reaction,” she added.
The positive stress responses can be compared to what is known as the ‘runner’s high’, the rush of happiness due to the release of a flood of endorphins that runners can experience during prolonged exertion.
“In both cases, the body produces endocannabinoids,” said Wuyts. She compares the responses to watching horror movies or riding a rollercoaster. However, for practitioners of BDSM, the pleasure of intimacy or sexuality increases that feeling even more.
For the dominant BDSM-practitioners, the pleasure response was mainly linked to power play, which revolves around a power imbalance, and less so to pain play, in which pain is inflicted on the submissive participant, according to the research.
The result of the study will be published in the academic Journal of Sexual Medicine, but the researchers aim to share the results of the study with as many people as possible to break the taboo that still surrounds BDSM.
“For a long time, engaging in BDSM was classified as a sexual deviation, and even a disorder,” said Morrens. “In fact, the psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-5) still describes BDSM as a ‘diagnosis’, which means practitioners often still face prejudice,” he added.
“Based on biological factors, we have now been able to demonstrate that there is no reason to make BDSM a pathology that needs to be treated. It is not a psychological abnormality, but a normal expression of intimacy or sexuality,” said Wuyts.
UK/Ireland – Eva Oh is a 35-year-old Chinese-Burmese-English-Irish professional dominatrix. She grew up in Asia, Australia, and Europe and now works in several cities around the world. She has a network of slaves, including one she lives with. She also hosts podcasts, workshops, and a web series.
Iwas not always a dominatrix. I went through multiple careers, like being a performance artist and a writer. I also started a sustainable design company and worked for the United Nations.
At first, I was doing things that were nurturing for my value system. I could see results that were helping, or could help, people. But when I started working in the corporate world, I realised that what I was doing benefitted the companies more than their consumers. I needed a switch.
I was about 26 years old when I remembered how an ex-boyfriend said that I would make for a good professional dominatrix. I wasn’t into kink, but I must have said or done something that made him think that.
So I did a Google search, found a dungeon in Australia — where I was living at the time — and went in for an interview. They asked me, “Have you ever been in sex work?” and I was like, “Is this sex work?” They said not necessarily; only if I wanted it to be. There was so much I did not know but within my first hour there, I was already helping another dom wrap up a guy.
Navigating all the strong dom women was a big challenge at first because I was the lowest in the ladder. But because I grew up in Asia, I was used to the hierarchy and didn’t question it much.
When you are working in a dungeon or doing professional domination, you are given a list of kinks to carry out. You are a fantasy machine of sorts, which can be fun and suits some people. But my personality is not like that at all — I like to give, but not on that level all the time. I want to decide how and when I please someone’s fantasy, and do it on my terms. So I made being a dominatrix my lifestyle, and quit doing it as a job. I still have clients, but instead of seeing them for a set time in a dungeon, we would establish and build long-term relationships as a dom and slave.
In the dungeon, I was taking all kinds of slaves. As long as their kinks suited me and I was paid according to whatever the house charged, I would do it. Now, I have an application process to ensure that we are compatible.
They have to prove that they know who I am. They must have done their research because they will literally become my partner. If I like what they write, I’ll set up an introductory session that lasts an hour and a half and costs $1,000. I’ll do what I want and see if I like them. If I do, I’ll start dating them, and they pay me monthly or in other ways, like company shares.
It’s like regular dating in the sense that we see each other regularly, but when we are together, it is within the slave-dom dynamic. We can be watching a movie, but I’ll be on the sofa and they will be on the floor. They also sleep on the ground and have to kiss my feet in the morning when I wake up. That’s the job of my main sub, whom I live with. I also have a group of inner-circle slaves whom I see regularly.
Another slave is rebuilding my house now. I have research slaves. I have slaves who post for me on Reddit. A scheduling slave. I have a sub-girl who does my styling and makeup.
If I take you on as a partner, our relationship is not structured by the hour. Rather, it’s like you are my partner, and you pay me to be my slave.
I don’t really work on a daily basis. I wake up, my sub makes me tea, I check in on my other subs. I organise when I’m going to be where, and with whom. I basically live like a retiree, which is nice.
But I am very picky when it comes to my slaves.
People who achieve a lot in the corporate structure are more suited for me. If they run a company and are successful, then it could work, because it could mean that they understand something about responsibilities and outcomes. They have had to adapt, struggle, and understand how outside forces navigate life. I think those are great skills. My slaves, in particular, have them because I can be quite challenging. You have to be a high-functioning individual to survive me.
All of my slaves are either CEOs or board members and those kinds of people can make good slaves because you can’t be a good leader if you don’t understand how to serve those that serve you. You have to understand all the moving parts.
It’s the same with me.
On a personal level, I give a lot in these relationships. I need to see what my slaves’ needs are on a daily basis, and preempt the things they will win and fail at in life and at work. That’s the only way for us to grow. It’s a symbiotic thing. I do it from what looks like a place of power, and yes, I have the last word, but I am always serving the relationship in doing so to make sure they are satisfied throughout.
My slaves are from diverse backgrounds. They were born in Western countries but have traveled a lot or lived in Asia for a long time. I like that because I am a third-culture kid. I like people who can pull from different cultural paradigms.
However, I would say it is much easier to inculcate a slave to understand my hierarchy when they come from a community-centric society like many in Asia.
Western societies are individualistic and work in less hierarchical structures. Therefore, when westerners want to be slaves, they tend to know what their needs are and will ask how they can be fulfilled.
That’s great but when they have no concept of hierarchy, being a slave is a lot less natural and there’s more learning that needs to be done. It’s not impossible, but I need to train them.
One of the sweetest things I learned as a dominatrix is that clients in all types of sex work just want human connection — to be vulnerable and be cared for. This is especially true when it comes to kink because when you are into certain things, you are often marginalised in society. People say, “You are crazy, what is wrong with you?” all the time. Through encounters with sex workers, you find someone who validates you for things others call you crazy for.
Desire looks different for every person, but the core need is always the same — wanting care, connection, and validation. So it is hard for me to be shocked by kinks. I believe that as long as someone is really connected to the idea and it satisfies them, who am I to say that it is not OK?
Correction 01/08/20: A previous version of this article wrongly stated that Eva Oh was a researcher for the World Bank. We regret the error.
USA – A Jeannette woman convicted last year in the fatal bludgeoning of her teen-aged boyfriend insisted in court on Monday she did not intend for him to die.
Crystal Belle, 40, said during her sentencing hearing she cared deeply for her 19-year-old boyfriend, Khalil Parker, even as she used the wooden handle of a snow shovel to repeatedly beat him during one of many violent incidents involving the couple at their South Seventh Street home.
“He was a willing participant. If he was here today we would be fighting. I didn’t torture him,” Belle said. “I’m telling you I never hit him and wanted him to die. If I was obsessive and jealous you don’t want him to die. I did not want him to die.”
Following a six-day trial in October, a Westmoreland County jury convicted Belle of third-degree murder. Prosecutors contended she intended to kill Parker and had sought a first-degree murder finding, a verdict that would have resulted in a life prison sentence.
Westmoreland County Common Pleas Court Judge Christopher Feliciani sentenced Belle to serve 15 to 30 years in prison.
“No sentence will make things better for the victim’s family. Nothing will bring Khalil back. Your conduct did reflect a conscious indifference to human life,” Feliciani said.
Prosecutors at trial said Belle and Parker engaged in sexual games and bondage scenarios that turned violent and ultimately resulted in his death in June 2016.
Parker sustained more than 100 injuries over his body, including a head wound and smaller cuts and bruises that appeared on his neck, chest, arms, legs and genitals. His autopsy revealed he died from not one specific wound but a loss of blood from a cumulative effect of all of his injuries, according to the prosecution.
At trial, the prosecution suggested Belle used the snow shovel and a wooden plank to bludgeon Parker in the head as he was tied to the bed then attempted to clean and sanitize her home before she dragged Parker down the stairs and called for an ambulance.
Belle’s comments in court on Monday were in contrast to testimony she gave at trial.
Belle told jurors she and Parker participated in sexual domination and bondage. She testified they used shoelaces to tie each other to a bed and inflict pain on their partner with the handle of a snow shovel or wooden board. Belle told jurors that, the night before Parker’s death, she became enraged when he inserted the shovel into her body against her will and later tried to force her to perform a sex act.
She said she responded violently, threw the shovel handle at him, jabbed at Parker with scissors and used pliers to attack his genitals as he ran naked out of the room. She testified the fight eventually ended and they went to sleep. She claimed that, when she awoke the next morning, Parker wasn’t home and didn’t return for hours. Belle testified Parker finally returned home with a head wound she couldn’t explain.
In court on Monday, Parker’s sister and father each said his death came much too soon.
“Every day is hard. He was my only son and he wasn’t a bad kid. I’m just torn up. I don’t know what to say,” said Parker’s father, Dewayne Morris. “We loved him and miss him so much. The way it was done was ruthless. He was only 19 years old and had his whole life ahead of him.”
USA – The actress is a new name to many in Hollywood, but she’s walked a long and winding path (as a dominatrix, painter, poet, clothing designer and photographer) to her overnight success: “You have to use your pain as a gift.”
Julia Fox just caused a car accident.
It was an hour ago, somewhere in Hollywood, about a mile from where she’s standing on this late November Friday night in front of a charming watering hole called The Broadwater Plunge on L.A.’s divey theater row. A freshly lit cigarette in one hand, cellphone in the other, Fox delivers the fender-bender details like a lunch order.
She was posing next to a freeway for a magazine shoot (Carine Roitfeld’s CR Fashion Book) when she saw a male driver unable to avert his gaze from her. “It was crazy traffic, and I was wearing the Gucci with all these slits up here,” she says, waving a hand — the one with the cigarette — in front of her chest, which is now covered in a black Cactus Jack hoodie. She takes a drag and exhales. “He couldn’t stop staring and just slammed into another car.”
That driver isn’t the only one who’s been unable to take his eyes off Fox as of late. The 29-year-old took on her first acting job in Josh and Benny Safdie’s two-hour adrenaline rush,Uncut Gems, playing a jewelry store employee and girlfriend of Howard Ratner, a gambling addict played by Adam Sandler. After the film’s TIFF world premiere, she earned buzz for her portrayal of his rough-around-the-edges mistress, signed with WME and, in October, earned a Gotham Award nom for breakout actor. The role has given her a shot at a Hollywood career, one she hopes will include more acting and, later, producing, directing and, somehow, a way to further infuse art with activism. From any other ingenue, the latter sounds like a publicist talking point — but not from her.
Fox lived many lives before making her way to the big screen, and this corner booth inside the bar where she sips a Coke and recaps the journey. She’s been a New York City teenage troublemaker, It girl, muse, club kid turned club owner, poet, author, artist, photographer, painter, provocateur, domestic violence survivor, a Page Six headline-maker and someone who has raised her voice to say #MeToo. (In 2017, she accused notable artist and photographer Chuck Close of lewd conduct during a 2013 shoot. He later apologized.)
“I’m always changing. I’m always evolving. I’m always growing,” says Fox. “I want to explore myself in every facet. I don’t ever want to limit myself based on what other people have told me I am.”
Born in Milan to an Italian mother and American father, Fox’s early years were spent living with her grandfather near Milan because of her parents’ strained relationship. Her father, meanwhile, was “living in New York, like, figuring it out, trying to get an apartment and living on a boat.” When he landed a construction job and signed a lease, Fox left Italy to live full-time in Yorkville, a posh neighborhood on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. “It was just a total 180 from what I was used to. My family is Italian, traditional Catholic, and suddenly I was living with a crazy man in New York.”
To confirm the use of that particular adjective, Fox tells the following story: “The first thing my dad did when I got to New York was walk me to the corner and point to the street sign. He was like, ‘OK, this is where you live. If anything happens, this is where you live.’ Then he kind of just sent me off in the world, and I had to figure it out from there.”
That’s what she’s been doing ever since, albeit with many twists and turns. Fox says she never applied herself in school and got mixed up with friends who were drinking, drugging and clubbing in the way that city kids sometimes do. She has talked openly of surviving an overdose at 17. “It’s kind of a miracle that I’m OK because a lot of the people I grew up with aren’t doing so well. They’re still on drugs or in jail. A lot of them died.”
She credits a solid work ethic as one of the keys to getting out alive. “My dad didn’t give me money, so I always had to work.” She started off at a shoe store on 86th Street called Orva, in the hosiery department because nobody went there. “That’s where they put me because I was too incapable of doing anything,” she says. She worked in an ice cream shop and pastry shop. “Then I got into the sex industry pretty young, doing S&M stuff.”
Officially, the job title was “dominatrix.” Fox, who was in high school at the time, says it’s not as shocking as it sounds. “I had heard about another girl who was doing it and that there was no sex and no nudity. It was all role-playing, and I was like, ‘I can do that. I can act. I can put on an outfit,’ you know? I did it, and it was great. I really credit it when people ask me, ‘Oh, have you ever acted before?’ “
The money was so good, she says — “Suddenly I could get my own apartment, pay all my own bills” — that it made up for the clientele. “They were all weird but nice,” she explains. “Like, submissive men who all had issues. Toward the end, I was like, ‘Dude, just go get therapy and stop coming here.’ “
She took her own advice and quit after a six-month stint to settle down with a boyfriend in a relationship that lasted six years. During that time, she partnered with friend Briana Andalore to launch a successful women’s clothing line, Franziska Fox, until she outgrew that business and segued to a series of provocative art projects using trauma as inspiration.
She self-published back-to-back books — Symptomatic of a Relationship Gone Sour: Heartburn/Nausea, published in 2015, and 2016’s PTSD — and hosted the art exhibit “R.I.P. Julia Fox,” with some of the work featuring paintings colored with her own blood. Combined, the projects provided intimate, unflinching looks at drug use, domestic violence, sex, mental illness and dominatrix work. “I’m so proud as a person, so to make myself vulnerable was hard, but it felt freeing and cathartic. I was living my truth,” she says, singling out the abuse she suffered in one of her relationships as hardest to reveal. “You have to use your pain as your gift. If you’re able to take something really negative and repackage it as something positive, you’ve nailed it.”
Josh Safdie noticed that quality when he caught a glimpse of Fox, first on the now-defunct social site Vine, and later when she walked by West Village restaurant Jack’s Wife Freda, where he was sitting on the patio with producer Sebastian Bear-McClard. “When you think you know her, you see another facet of her,” he says. “She’s like an uncut gem, really. The more you dig, the more beauty you see.”
The filmmaker, who had been developing Uncut Gems for five years before that chance meeting, saw more than 200 actresses for the role. Fox says she’d heard they included such stars as Lady Gaga, Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence, but never confirmed with Josh because “I didn’t want to drive myself crazy.”
What she does know is that “when the studios got involved and a lot of money was being poured into the project, they wanted a big-name lead actress.” She also had to prove to producer Scott Rudin that she could actually act. After Sandler was cast, she did a screen test with him in Barneys New York, the now-bankrupt department store. “The chemistry was so undeniable that I think that when Scott saw the tape, he was like, ‘OK, I get it.’ “
Fox threw herself into the role as much as she did any of her other projects, even going method for a scene in which her character stays up all night. “She looked beat, and I don’t think she realized that we’d be shooting the same scene all day long. So like an hour or two in, she said, ‘Oh my God, am I tired,’ ” Sandler recalls, laughing. “She was incredible. Very instinctive, and she played everything so real. I never knew what the heck would happen.
Fox isn’t sure where her next chapter will take her, but she’s leaning toward moving to L.A. to be closer to the industry. She’s inspired by Margot Robbie, who broke out in The Wolf of Wall Street before becoming a formidable producer. Like Robbie, Fox also recently married but is mostly private about it. (“He’s kind of my rock — he’s so unfazed and doesn’t care who I am. To him, I’m Julia,” she says of husband Peter Artemiev, who works in aviation, according to The New York Times.)
Just when you think you have a handle on her story, Fox says something else about her past, and it makes you think there’s something to what Josh Safdie believes. When you think you know her, another layer is unearthed, like an uncut gem. “I really have to stay focused and on the straight and narrow to avoid certain people and any type of trigger,” Fox says about the possibility of moving to another city. “That lifestyle still lingers, and that’s kind of why I want to get out of New York. Just to leave it all behind and not be reminded of anything so I can start fresh. Every time I’ve run away, it was like I was running toward something.”
She’s sure Hollywood is what she’s running toward now, but unlike that man in the car, she’s keeping her eyes on the road. “I always knew there was more for me — I just didn’t know if I could access it.”
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