Source: Metro.co.uk.
UK – The flamboyant, fashionable and hugely divisive And Just Like That is returning to our screens for a second season, with the Sex and the City reboot promising more dates and double entendres for Carrie Bradshaw and co.
No longer those four single girls in their thirties, Carrie (recently widowed and ready to get back in the saddle, if those teasers are to be believed) and her ensemble of friends are navigating what life, love – and most importantly, sex – holds for them in their fifties.
Contrary to popular belief, the bedroom doesn’t begin to gather dust when you reach your fifth decade. Dating app Lumen finding people aged between 50-80 having sex once every fortnight on average – with 57% of respondents reporting their sex life, like a fine wine, had gotten better with age.
As we watch Carrie and her girlfriends explore the latest chapter of their lives, we couldn’t help but wonder…what does sex really look like for women in their fifties and beyond? Metro.co.uk spoke to four women to find out.
I had the space and confidence to embrace my queerness
I was a serial monogamist in my youth. I got married in my thirties – we were together for 10 years and had two kids, but we had a mismatch of needs. I was scared when we separated in my 40s – my body was different, my attitude was different. It was frightening, but I forced myself to plunge in and embrace my sexuality.
I’m bisexual but hadn’t been with girls, so after my divorce, one of my first encounters was with a woman. It was with someone I knew well, and it felt like a safe, loving place to explore. All the fears of being judged for my body, for my stretchmarks, all those feelings imposed on us by society…they melted away. I no longer cared what my body looked like. I wanted to see how it worked and whether it still enjoyed sex. My first experience with a woman allowed me to figure out what I wanted – it was a tonne of fun. The first time I had sex out of my marriage with a man, I squirted for the first time in years. It felt like I reclaimed my body.
Before the pandemic, I enjoyed relationships with younger men with a different sexual dynamics. I was the one in control of what was occurring, but I wanted to ensure each experience felt safe – we did things with respect and we would have regular check ins with everything we did. People that think checking in isn’t sexy…well, maybe you’re not being creative enough to make that conversation sexy? Talking about what the possibilities can be part of foreplay.
I met my new husband five years ago and we married last year after a long-distance relationship. We have an intense sexual energy and we’re both keen to explore – we have an open marriage. We’re not polyamorous, but we have a few ‘sexy friends’ that we enjoy ourselves with. I feel more comfortable exploring with my husband, knowing someone has my back.
Some people are surprised about how frank I am about my sex life in my fifties. Don’t feel the shame to put on you by society or individuals. Advocate for yourself. You have the right to your own pleasure.
Dating has brought joy after the death of my husband
‘I met Andy in 2002. We met on DatingDirect.com, back when it was embarrassing to date online. He worked for the Greater Manchester Police, I ran an events company.
‘We had a whirlwind romance. Our life together was full of fun: we had adventures and crazy weekends away. He asked me to move in with him after just a few months, before we went on a luxury all-inclusive break to Jamaica. At the end, he asked me if I wanted to get married. He didn’t have a ring at the time, so he proposed to me properly at Chester Zoo by the wallaby enclosure. We welcomed our son, Finn, in 2007 and things between us were perfect. He was a stay-at-home dad while I travelled for work.
When I came back from a trip in 2017, I immediately knew something wasn’t right. Andy was struggling from chest pain, and so I took him to the doctors. He was admitted to hospital and stents were put in. That evening, Andy’s stents failed and he had a heart attack that led to a massive brain injury.
As he was in hospital, the consultant said that Andy’s story wasn’t going to have a happy ending. He needed 24/7 care, so we made the difficult decision to put him in a nursing home. When Covid hit in 2020, I knew it was the beginning of the end. He died in April that year. I was bereft, but it was a relief. I’d lost my husband in 2017. Andy was aggressive and confused after his brain injury. He wouldn’t have wanted to be that way.
I turned to online dating after Andy died. I did have initial, intense feelings of guilt. In your head, you’re still married and in love with someone. You’ve shared a bed for so long.
But it was also exciting. I felt like I was entering a brave new world. My first proper date, I had my hair and makeup done, booked a hotel room and made a night of it. I had to completely overhaul my underwear drawer!
The man wasn’t a widow, it wasn’t destined to go onto anything serious, but he was an absolutely delightful distraction and he made me feel female, empowered and whole again. It brought a little joy.
When I did start dating again, I was stunned at how different the dating apps were. It was like the Wild West, with people only wanting hook ups. I got to know a lot of widows after Andy died and I know very few of them had been on dating apps before. It gave me the idea of Chapter 2, a dating and companionship app specifically for widows. It’s a really safe space and we ask all users to provide a death certificate before joining. We now have around 3000 members with up to 40 people joining every day.
I will never stop grieving over Andy. He was the John to my Yoko. But I’ve thrown myself back into the groove of dating and I’ve got battle scars to prove it. I’ve had some awful dates. I’ve had some fun dates that didn’t go anywhere. I’ve had a couple of flings that were just one night of great fun. I’d advise people to be brave and put yourself out there. Our late partners would want to see us happy.
Older women are finally navigating their own pleasure – one of our clients in in her nineties!
I’ve met my husband when I was 23, and we’ve always had good sex. I’ve always been a sexual person but when you get older, you do have to actively work hard to remain so. When you’ve got kids, or work is busy, or you’re menopausal and your body has changed, it’s easy to let sex slip and not feel sexy. It can be a wake-up call.
When we were younger, Paul and I would use a lot of lubes – the standard stuff you’d find on the high street – and it led to me getting recurrent UTIs, thrush and other infections. It led to vaginismus because I was terrified I was going to be in pain. I wanted sex: my brain was saying yes, but my vagina was saying no.
Women my age had poor sex education growing up – if any. I trained as a nurse and I was never taught about the importance of sexual pleasure for women. I effectively had to educate myself on what the best things and ingredients to use to ensure I can still ensure a healthy, happy sex life. That’s what’s been so wonderful with Jo Divine – helping women learn about their own sexual pleasure.
My work at Jo Divine has taught me that you’re never too old for good sex – our client range stretches from 18 to 93. We have women in care homes who are enjoying solo sex and want to use our products. Since starting Jo Divine in 2007, I’ve seen such a shift in older women’s willingness to speak more openly about sexual pleasure, and wanting to be more experimental. It’s great to help so many people enjoy this second wind of their sexuality, having more regular orgasms and enjoying getting to know their body by masturbation.
I think my sex life has gotten so much better as I’ve got older. I know what works. I’ve got a good sexual lubricant, which makes such a difference. I have an arsenal of sex toys to use – and I feel sexy and want to have sex. It’s all about what works for you. Sex should be fun and pleasurable – it shouldn’t be a chore.
I’m at the age where I just don’t give a f***’
Suzanne Noble, 62, has embraced casual sex and describes herself as non-monogamous.
‘I met my ex-husband when I was 27. We were together for 12 years and had two children but the last four years of our marriage was entirely sexless. I was always the initiator, and one day, I got tired of it.
‘After our divorce, I met a man during a drunken night out, and for two and a half years, we had a very experimental relationship. We often had sex with other couples, and I dipped my toe into swinging, BDSM, fetish and threesomes. We pushed the boundaries and I played out every fantasy I ever wanted. It was fun.
Nowadays, I’m only looking for casual relationships: I want a guy who I can have fun with in my hot tub. I’m very good at setting boundaries and I’m clear with what I’m looking for. I only want to see people on Friday or Saturday night. I don’t want you to sleep over. I don’t want any kind of full on commitment. I’m busy with work, I’ve got a large group of friends – I’m at my happiest when I’m single.
I host my own podcast and have a TikTok called Sex Advice for Seniors, and I feel there’s a disconnect between what older men and women want from partners. There’s lot of misogyny from older men, saying things like they’d prefer younger women then other women in their fifties. Meanwhile women find men their age grumpy or needy. I personally look for people that I get along with and that are sexy and fun. I don’t really care what their age is although I tend not to go below 45.
As I’ve got older, I’ve become more confident. I don’t give a f**k. I used to bend over backwards to make other people happy. Now I’m not really that interested in doing that. I’m just wanting to be who I am – either you like it or you don’t.
