Relate & Date: The double life of a teacher by day who steps into a clandestine BDSM world at night.
Source: SG.news.yahoo.com.
THAILAND – SINGAPORE – My name is *Andrea. I’m a cisgender teacher in my 30s in Singapore by day and a professional dominatrix by night. My journey into this unique world started about four years back when a friend introduced me to the BDSM lifestyle, which is growing among young Singaporeans.
It all began with an unexpected connection on Bumble BFF after I matched with a person who I did not realise was a trans woman. *Carissa, as she went by, shared her love for dressing up and wearing makeup. I had enjoyed speaking to Carissa, and after a few days, we decided to meet so I could give her some clothes I no longer wear and get to know each other better.
Little did I know, this encounter would open doors to a whole new world.
Learning the dominatrix world
When we met, Carissa shared more about her life and difficulties with dating and dating apps. It was then that she bravely shared her unique interest in the bedroom. Cass, as I affectionally call her, enjoyed being told what to do by a strong female figure.
Through Cass, I discovered the intricate world of a dominatrix. I learned about dominance and submission as I asked her more about the lifestyle.
Patiently, Cass shared what it was like to be a submissive (or sub, for short) and how she had met other subs in the community, too. She told me about her first encounter with a dominatrix and what the experience was like.
According to Cass, the first few meetings were tame and involved the mistress ordering Cass around the house and teaching her how to apply makeup. Eventually, their meetings evolved and became more sexual. Unfortunately, as the dominatrix moved overseas, their relationship had to end. Since then, Cass has been looking for a new mistress to obey.
Cass also shared how much she paid for each session with her mistress. It was then that I realised how lucrative being a dominatrix could be.
On average, Cass paid $500 per session. According to Cass, though, highly experienced dominatrixes could ask for $800 to $1,000 per session.
Financial temptation
While I love my job as an educator, I didn’t make much money. My full-time job was enough to sustain most of my living expenses, but I had to look for a second job if I wanted more.
Seeing just how much a dominatrix could make, I thought it was worth exploring this option and having someone like Cass show me the ropes from a submissive’s perspective.
Before I even began my journey as a dominatrix, I spent months researching the role to understand more about the various dominatrix practices, safety considerations, and its psychological aspects.
Cass also introduced me to the social media accounts of other dominatrixes so I could reach out to them and gain some form of mentorship and support. The community, as I found it, was supportive and kind.
Guided into the role
To my surprise, many of the people I spoke to were willing to provide insights, and one mistress, *Grace, even invited me to assist in their sessions, unveiling the careful balance of care and dominance in this world.
The first time I joined Grace’s session, she explained that her client had a praise and humiliation kink. The 38-year-old enjoyed being told what to do and praised for it.
Before the session began, Grace carefully communicated what the session would be about, introduced me, and explained the safety protocols we all needed to follow.
I could see how caring and communicative she was towards her client.
While she remained communicative throughout the session, Grace was fierce and dominating.
Seeing her client’s interest, she made him clean her home while dressed in a maid costume. As he cleaned, she would purposefully spill things on the floor and make degrading comments about his work.
My job was to observe the session and ignore the client for that particular session.
I learned that defining the type of dominatrix I wanted to be and what my niche was essential.
According to Grace, my presence added to the humiliation he felt. After he was done cleaning, she took him into the room, where they completed the session. I won’t go into too much detail about what that means.
After the session, Grace checked in with her client, asking him how he felt and whether there was anything she could do to improve the session. Her genuine concern for her client and her ability to connect with him on an emotional level helped create a safe space for him to explore his kink safely.
She also shared that she would often text her clients to ask how they’ve been and share ideas of what could be done in the following sessions to keep them excited.
Having been a dominatrix for almost 15 years by that point, Grace says going the extra mile and maintaining a relatively small roster of loyal clients allows her to connect with them better.
Through Grace, I learned that defining the type of dominatrix I wanted to be and what my niche was essential.
Parallels in roles
Transitioning from teaching to dominatrix, I found similarities in understanding individual needs, just like my diverse students. While different, both roles demanded communication, responsibility, and a deep understanding of the other person.
In my opinion, learning to become a dominatrix was similar to my journey of becoming an educator.
In an educational setting, I needed to embody the teaching philosophy I believed in and the type of teacher I wanted to be. Every student I taught was different, and enjoyed being approached differently. Some students don’t respond to stern teachings while others do, so, as a teacher, I really needed to make sure I understood what my students were like and how best I could help them.
Learning to become a dominatrix was similar to my journey of becoming a teacher.
While the nature of my work as a dominatrix isn’t like what I do at work full-time, a part of me feels that the principles are pretty similar.
I needed to learn and understand what my clients were interested in, and I needed to continue becoming communicative, explaining what I was doing and why I was doing it. I was also responsible for everything during the session, like my client’s safety, and cleanliness, and checking in on them after each session.
Unique client connections
My first client was Cass’ friend, *Arthur, who had a mild pain kink. I was nervous about doing a session alone, but thankfully, this was also Arthur’s first time with a professional domme.
After our session, we debriefed and discussed what could have been done better. I remained Arthur’s domme for about a year, helping him explore his kinks before he met his life partner and moved on.
One thing people don’t often speak about when it comes to being a domme is how much of an attachment or bond we might have with our subs.
There’s also an emotional side that comes with seeing their (subs) growth, learning about them, and connecting with them.
Besides the fact that many of these subs become regular sources of income, there’s also an emotional side that comes with seeing their growth, learning about them, and connecting with them.
I’ll admit that I got emotional the first few times a client left me.
However, as I always try to keep my relationships with my subs positive, we usually end on a good note and become friendly.
The fear of others finding out what I do
Another challenge I face is the possibility of my students’ parents or my colleagues finding out what I do.
Thankfully, I’ve hardly encountered anyone I know through the apps, forums, or social media platforms I use to meet new clients. I’ve also dealt with the moral dilemma of what I do.
Growing up in Singapore with Asian parents, I was taught that sex or any sort of sexual act before marriage was wrong.
And, if these things are wrong before marriage, imagine what my ancestors would think about what I do and how it helps pleasure others.
While no one has found out what I do, I sometimes drive myself crazy thinking that I don’t deserve to be a teacher.
While no one has found out what I do, I sometimes drive myself crazy thinking that I don’t deserve to be a teacher and sometimes think I’m a terrible person.
As none of my closest friends know what I do, I often turn to others in the community whenever I feel down or disheartened. Thankfully, many in the community are helpful. As many of them face the same emotions I do, we help each other.
To continue or retire?
As I approach my fifth year as a dominatrix in 2024, I’ve saved up quite a bit from my clients, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my work thus far. While I’ve contemplated ending my journey as a domme, I don’t think I’m ready to give it up just yet.
I’m happy with the financial freedom the job brings me. At the same time, I’ve also realised there are kink communities overseas that I could meet with.
It’s also difficult to see what my future will be like as a domme.
Maybe one day I’ll retire, and start helping others the way I’ve been helped. Maybe I’ll make more inroads as an educator and end my career as a domme because it’s just too risky.
Life as a dominatrix, despite its challenges, has been a revelation for me, offering financial freedom and emotional connections that transcend societal norms.
*Names and certain details have been changed for privacy. As told to Arika Kim.
