When it comes to understanding sex and kink as well as therapy affirming the two – what’s our progress report like?
Source: Grazia.co.in.
INDIA – Truth time: This piece started out as a look into how open dating app users are about kink and sex positivity. However, there’s not enough data, not enough information to analyse these factors – it’s still a pretty discreet space, which means apps also don’t have a clear idea on the number of users actively looking for partners that align with their ideas of exploring. Sex educators have been urging people to take the shame away from sex and kinks, trying to normalise the conversation. And it has reached some ears, because otherwise, a show like Class that highlighted the tryst of Gen Z with exploring their sexuality and relationship dynamics could never have reached as many people as it did, bringing us to a simple question: Now that we have all the knowledge at our disposal, and many ways to break out of the taboos associated with kinks, what are we doing with it?
SPREADING THE WORD
Sangya Project, a trauma-informed, kink affirming brand, works to destigmatise sex, pleasure, and BDSM through community-led sex ed and accessible pleasure products. Tanisha Rao, co-founder and chief of social voice at Sangya, points out that the most actively responsive and engaged group with their brand is the demographic of 25 to 40-year-olds. “They are most likely to read the content, ask us follow up questions, shop for BDSM gear and ask detailed queries about products and different forms of play. With people below the age of 25, the awareness of different acts and names is higher, so they bring more enthusiasm into the discourse,” they add. Over the years, Tanisha has observed more voices normalising conversations around anal play, embracing bondage, mutual masturbation and edging, among other kink-positive discussions.
“It’s possible that post the pandemic lockdowns and the abrupt disturbances we experienced in our sex lives in that period, a lot of the focus of sex is shifting from the pursuit of orgasms alone to a desire to explore and fulfil individual desires while also enjoying long-term or fleeting intimacy with others. I see more cis men asking for play in ways that do not involve them orgasming at all. Maybe it’s just a part of growing older or it’s a sign of the times, but it seems like people are tired and overwhelmed, and the idea of having someone else control your sexual desires and pleasure for you is starting to feel like respite and release for many. It’s like that scene in Fleabag, where the protagonist tells the Hot Priest that she wishes someone would just tell her what to do, and there is an immediate eroticism to him asking her to kneel.”
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT
Prachi S Vaish, clinical psyschologist, certified trauma therapist and relationship therapist works with people who are exploring kinks/ BDSM and alternative relationship styles like polyamory and open relationships. She observes that it’s very rare for people to come into sessions willing to talk about kinks from the get-go – it usually starts with the context of relationship conflict and sometimes, a kink-based issue comes to light.
“Kinks become a part of discussion in therapy when it impacts one’s interpersonal relationships, self-esteem, or mental health. For example, being shamed in a marriage for a kink will have a detrimental effect on the relationship as well as on the self-image of the person with the kink. Another scenario in which kink becomes a part of therapy is when someone think there’s something wrong with them for having a kink/fetish, or when one partner wants to explore a kink, but their partner is not on board with it – leading to emotional coercion, or threats to end the relationship. This is a serious issue and must be tackled delicately in therapy where an open discussion about boundaries and respect takes place, and deeper issues in the relationship (like abuse or control) or personality (like narcissism) are also explored,” she explains.
From kink-affirmative brands to sex positive cognitive behavioural therapy, one thing is clear: There’s a whole community out there, trying to educate and motivate. Tanisha sees a lack of consent-seeking practices and feedback-seeking methods that BDSM typically advocates for in our everyday lives as it continues to be fetishised, while Dr. Vaish believes that on a scale of 1 to 10 of sex positivity, we’re still at a 2 or 3. “Kink events and talking about fetishes is not click-bait. They are real aspects of sexuality that can make sexual lives very exciting. But conversations around consent, boundaries, respect, care need to be center stage while talking about kinks,” Dr Vaish concludes. 2024 goal: Let’s talk about sex, positively.
