Right this way for all the kinky details
Source: Cosmopolitan.com
UK – DISCLAIMER: Always get consent when trying something new. If you are unsure about any of the terms mentioned in this article please refer to our expert guide to BDSM. The views expressed in this article are those of experts and not of Cosmopolitan. If you are concerned about your safety or need advice on sex and sexuality, speak with a sexual health professional or counsellor or contact Brook for anonymous support.
Whether you’re kink-curious or consider yourself a bona fide kinxpert (that’s ‘kink expert’, in case that wasn’t clear), one thing about sex on the kinky side is that there is always more to learn. Hence why we’re on a never-ending journey to provide you with the kind of top-notch kink-ed your high school health class definitely didn’t. Which brings us to today’s lesson. Hi, let’s talk about a form of BDSM that is definitely not for the under-educated: shibari.
Shibari, or kinbaku, is the art of Japanese rope tying. It falls under the ‘B’ in BDSM — bondage. Kinbaku actually means ‘tight binding’ and shibari means ‘tying’.
“Shibari, or Japanese rope bondage, is a style of kink or BDSM play that comes from Japan and is firmly rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century,” says sex educator Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Rope Dojo and ForteFemme Women’s Intensive. “It originated as an underground form of culturally-specific erotic fantasy play that centres on the erotic nostalgia of bygone eras.”
It’s a true art form that takes great skill and practice — we’re talking tying people into human chandeliers and tying countless, intricate knots for hours on end. Mastering shibari can take years and years of dedication. This advanced kink practice isn’t for everyone, but for the (deeply patient) shibari lover, it is everything.
Sex expert Julieta Chiara, a certified kinbaku instructor, says shibari’s appeal is layered and can be almost spiritual: “It’s the erotic nature, blend of pleasure and pain or restraint, and the immense connection and trust that is built between the rigger (the one tying) and the rope bottom (the one getting tied).”
When practiced safely and effectively, shibari can be a fantastic way to explore a whole new kind of erotic experience. Keep reading to find out all about shibari’s exquisite history, how to learn more about the practice, and even some sexy positions that beginners can try (plus a cute tip on how to work shibari into a date night out).
What is shibari?
Also known as Japanese rope bondage or ‘kinbaku’, shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, says Midori.
Simply put, shibari is the act of tying a person up for aesthetic purposes — maybe in a pretty or intricate pattern, typically by using some form of rope. And while shibari is most often used as a means for sexual pleasure, it’s historically been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and a trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.
You may remember that this sex practice had a little cameo on Netflix’s series Too Hot to Handle when the contestants tied each other up, but trust, it goes so much deeper than what the show depicted.
How is it different from regular bondage?
Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction — handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc. — but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or a partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”
And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants”, says rope artist and instructor Jonathan Ryan of Seattle Shibari.
“Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on connection”
The history of shibari
The origins of shibari are steeped in myth and legend. Chiara says its history is lengthy and often unclear. “The wives’ tail is that it stemmed from the Edo period, being used as a form of imprisonment and restraint,” she explains. “There are also martial arts like Hojōjutsu, which also uses ropes in a restrictive way that mirrors much of kinbaku’s core elements. Along that road, with its many iterations, we eroticised it — as humans usually do with any part of human behaviour and history.”
The modern concept of shibari as we know it today — the art form of tying and being tied for pleasure — seems to have emerged from a kind of nostalgia that is culturally specific to Japan. It is a callback to the storybook-like beauty and mystery of ancient Japan. Much of modern kinbaku is based in folklore and fantasy.
“In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes,” Midori adds. While in Europe, non-consensual incarceration often used metal and leather, in Japan it was usually rope. “Every culture finds its muse of sexual transgression in dark moments of its history,” she says.
Midori also stresses that sex work and adult entertainment is an important part of shibari’s history, which, she notes, can sometimes get overlooked in the culturally appropriative version of shibari that has become common in the western world today. “The thing I caution against is when imagined history paints shibari as something sacred, honorable, and secret and ignores its gloriously, deliciously messy history.”
For more on this gloriously messy history, check out Midori’s essay, “The History & Myths of Japanese Bondage: Censorship, Sex Work, and Othering in the World of Shibari”.
Understanding the different roles in shibari
There are two main roles in shibari: the rigger and the model.
The Japanese word for the rigger is ‘nawashi’, or ‘rope artist’. The model is often referred to as the ‘bunny’, ‘rope bunny’, or ‘rope bottom’. These roles often function in the same way as a Dominant and submissive in BDSM. The rigger is the Dom and the bunny is the sub.
But not always. Chiara says the ways the rigger and bunny relate to one another varies depending on what each person wants out of the scene. “In my tying, I like to make our session a collaboration, as I’m not dominant in BDSM spaces,” she explains. “I tie designs and prints on a model’s body and take them through a sensory experience. This can include pain, pleasure, sensuality, or somatic release.”
The bunny may not be the one tying the knots, but it’s still a big job. “Shibari pushes you to surrender,” Chiara explains. “Building trust, connection, and safety is a huge part from both sides, not just the rigger.” Not to mention, you have to stay perfectly still while your rigger ties you into intricate positions.
“Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort, physical limitations, and concerns”
Some folks practice in a more versatile way, shifting the roles in ways that work for them. “There are instances where people like me explore self-tying (tying oneself, also known as self-suspension) or engage in more fluid roles where both partners share tying and being tied responsibilities interchangeably,” Chiara says.
In order to have a healthy, pleasurable, and safe kinbaku experience, everyone needs to thoroughly communicate and negotiate. “Communication is vital for the model to express their comfort levels, physical limitations, and any concerns or preferences they might have regarding the tying process.”
Crucially, Chiara says it’s highly advised that you are fully trained as a rigger before practicing shibari — this stuff is actually dangerous. This isn’t your old ‘throw on some handcuffs and mess around’ kind of kink. It’s truly a cultivated skillset.
What are some misconceptions about shibari?
The biggest misconception about shibari is that people tend to paint it as a purely spiritual art form, basically ignoring the horny side that has roots in adult entertainment. “The myth that it’s precious and sacred and honorable — that’s actually sex negativity dressed in a polite bow,” says Midori. “It can be spiritual, it can be insightful, it can be romantically bonding, it can be straight up hot sex, or no sex,” she says.
When it comes to practice, Midori notes that it’s important to remember that all genders can be tied up, flagging the idea that only women are restrained as “utter nonsense”.
Additionally, while beginners should ease into it, Midori adds that shibari doesn’t always have to be this slow-paced experience. “It can be fast, messy, and sexy,” she adds.
How to try shibari as a beginner
Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue.”
It’s worth developing a safe word (like ‘pineapple’ or ‘red’) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:
- What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
- How will I know if you’re having fun?
- How will I know when I need to change course?
- What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?
Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:
- Learn how to tie a ‘single-column tie’ (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
- Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
- Have safety shears on hand… for obvious reasons.
- Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
- The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.
Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can get you started properly if you’re new to this world.
Basic shibari positions
You want to start simple and, of course, have fun. “Learning a ‘two column’ tie (like wrist to wrist), a ‘single column’ tie (such as for ankles or the hip), or a simple chest harness can get you far by combining them in different ways and using them to help create the moods you want,” Midori says.
Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice. In fact, that’s highly discouraged for beginners. Midori strongly encourages anyone new to shibari to stay on the ground.
“The reality is that suspension is difficult. It’s really hard on the body, it’s very technical, and requires hands-on training (not just YouTube!!). Accidents and injuries (including cumulative long-term effects) happen, and you need special equipment,” Midori says. “Additionally, it requires the person tying to pay so much attention to the technicality that the passion and mutual attention can take a back seat.”
If you’re just starting out, Midori suggests simply placing your forearms behind the back, to be tied at the wrists. “A basic and common one is the forearms stacked behind the back and the wrists tied together,” Midori says. “Also fun are each thigh tied to the same ankle on both legs (again with the wrists tied behind the back).”
“Important PSA for beginners: you do not have to integrate suspension into your shibari practice”
Of course, if you’re more experienced or simply curious as to what more advanced positions look like, there’s more you can do.
Shibari photographer Kent Wolfburn, aka Sensual Shibari, shares that one of his favourite positions to shoot is the futomomo, or frog tie. “In this tie, a bottom’s legs are locked in a fully bent position, calves pressed to thighs,” he explains. “It’s another classic tie for shibari photography and one that I use very often. It’s also a great tie for D/s play. It leaves a person quite exposed, and the rope provides convenient handholds for a top to control their bottom’s legs.”
As incorrect ties can lead to injury or just be uncomfortable, it’s best to start low and go slow. You can always take your favorite sex position and integrate light rope play into that. Stop at once and grab the safety shears if there’s any change in skin color, tingling, temperature changes, or any discomfort.
“You can also have a chest or body harness and wear it under your clothes for date night and enjoy some stealthy sexy shibari fun,” Midori says.
Shibari vs. bondage: which should I try?
All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.
“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria, or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.
Tips, tricks, and benefits of trying shibari
- Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
- Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
- Relish in the untying part too — don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savour that — it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.
How to learn more about shibari
If you want to learn more about shibari, Midori stresses that the best, most responsible way to do so is to take hands-on practice classes from experts who know what they’re doing. There are books available, such as Midori’s Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and Lee Harrington’s Shibari You Can Use.
Midori also recommends checking out free video tutorials on TwistedMonk.com, which teach “easy, practical, and fun skills”.
One thing to avoid? Attempting to learn purely from photography, says Midori. Don’t believe everything you see in pictures or try to replicate them! Models often have assistants for photoshoots, she cautions, adding that many images of shibari you’re likely to find online may be created and enhanced by digital editing.
It’s also worth doing some research into your local kink and sex-positive scene. Chances are there are shibari classes or meet-ups you can attend. And, if any of this sounds intimidating, know that there are tons of cute handcuffs and other bondage toys for beginners that allow for similar experiences with safety and ease in mind.
