Source: Hercampus.com
CANADA – TORONTO – The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Toronto MU chapter.
If you want to explore your deepest fantasies, finally uncover your sexual curiosities, or need a way to assert your boundaries, you might want to consider having a safe word with your partner.
With a rise in the normalcy of BDSM — the sexual practices involving bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism — safe words allow those in sexual relationships to safely explore their sexual desires and provide them with a clear-cut way of communicating their boundaries.
Her Campus spoke with sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, Jess O’Reilly, to get expert advice on the perfect safe word. Here’s what you should know:
What is a Safe Word?
According to O’Reilly, “A safe word is a code word you use to indicate that a limit has been reached and you want to stop play.”
A safe word is created before play begins and is used when you want to stop or take a break. It’s a signal used to communicate your boundaries during sex.
Choosing a Safe Word
A good safe word should be easy for both you and your partner(s) to remember. It should be distinctive so that the meaning of it can never be mistaken when used during intimacy, according to O’Reilly.
Oftentimes, couples use words that wouldn’t possibly be used in pillow play and can be quite silly if taken seriously. I mean, how sexy can the word “pineapple” be?
While the word “stop” may seem like the simplest safe word to use, O’Reilly explains that in some sexual relationships, saying stop doesn’t necessarily withdraw consent and can be used as part of sex play.
Instead, she suggests using the stoplight system. “Red means stop what you’re doing. Yellow means you’re close to approaching your limits. Green means go; you’re liking and would like a bit more intensity,” says O’Reilly.
In some cases, play might involve restricting your ability to speak. In this case, using a “clearly defined” safe signal can be used instead. This can look like snapping your fingers, tapping your partner, or other nonverbal cues.
How do I use my safe word? When do I use my safe word?
“You select a safe word in advance and use it to clearly state a limit,” says O’Reilly. “Discuss your safe word ahead of time, and don’t try to change the word in the middle of play.”
If you’re feeling uncomfortable, need a break or want the deed to be over, now’s the time to use your safe word!
“You can use your safe word whenever you want to stop or take a break. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing or opt [to] stop playing altogether,” says O’Reilly. “Good play partners will pay attention to your safe word and honour your limits.”
Your sexual desires and boundaries might also change over time. It’s important to revisit your safe words and discuss your limits regularly with your partner.
Having a system of safe words is a great way to have safe, enjoyable sex.
