Being honest about our sexual desires can feel like sharing a secret – here’s some tips on how to broach the conversation
Source: GQ-magazine.co.uk.
UK – When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”
At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”
She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”
Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.
“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”
Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.
Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”
“TELLING A PARTNER ABOUT A FETISH CAN BE LIKE SHARING A SECRET. WE MAKE OURSELVES VULNERABLE, AND THAT REQUIRES COURAGE.”
There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.
First, Rose asserts the importance of taking any trauma your partner may have experienced into consideration. “Some kinks and fetishes very much root themselves in the idea that we are subverting and playing with power dynamics, and themes of violence, control, and submission, all of which can touch on personal experiences and histories that are very real, and perhaps even current for people,” she tells British GQ. “Be sensitive about what you’re broaching when you’re talking about kink, and understand that different intersections of people’s identities, whether that’s gender, race, ability, and many other aspects of who they are, come into play.”
In terms of actually speaking the words, Rose recommends saying something like: “‘I’ve been having some fantasies recently about X, Y, or Z’, or ‘I went to this workshop and learned some interesting things’, and then asking, ‘Would you be up for talking about this with me?’. You could also ask your partner if there are any kinks or fetishes they’ve been thinking about or wanting to explore.
If you’re sharing a fetish that’s essential to your sexual pleasure, Langer advises being open with your partner about how much courage it’s taking you to talk to them about it. “Try to make yourself understood and assume your partner has never thought about your fetish – ease them in gently,” she suggests. “Start by explaining why this fetish is important to you and which parts satisfy you most. Be open to questions. Give your partner the opportunity to pause and think about your conversation in their own time; your fetish might be an unexpected surprise.”
What’s really important is not to put any pressure on your partner. Kink and fetish are about mutual pleasure, so avoid making it sound like something you’re just getting them to do. “Sometimes when people are not interested in certain kinks, there might be more room for them to understand what it might mean to you and why you want to do it, because it’s often not just about the activity itself, but the feeling that it brings you,” explains Rose. “If you can talk about these things in a way that goes beneath the superficial visuals that people often focus on when talking about kink and fetish, you’ll likely have a more meaningful conversation with a partner. [In turn, they’ll] perhaps be more curious and open to exploring things with you, rather than if you just say, ‘I want to do this’, and leave it at that.”
Still, you should always reassure your partner that if they don’t like a particular kink or fetish and don’t want to do it, then that’s okay. If it’s a fetish you still want to explore, you could discuss the possibility of delving into it independently, via porn, online, or with other people instead.
“GIVE YOUR PARTNER THE OPPORTUNITY TO PAUSE AND THINK ABOUT YOUR CONVERSATION IN THEIR OWN TIME; YOUR FETISH MIGHT BE AN UNEXPECTED SURPRISE.”
Although incompatibility on this particular desire doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, for some people, it could be make or break. “I’ve had one partner who’d led a very narrow sex life, but we got on like best friends,” recalls Lucy. “When I tried to talk to him about trying new things, he would squeal that it was creepy. I tried to give up my interest in kink, but [eventually] stepped away and said we were better off just being friends. That was my biggest disaster as I let a partner make me feel bad about enjoying sex.”
To avoid reacting like this, Langer and Rose stress the importance of thanking your partner for being honest with you, avoiding shaming them for anything they say, and being curious and asking questions, even if you ultimately decide you don’t want to explore the kink or fetish together.
If you do decide to incorporate a new kink or fetish into your sex life, you might need to invest in some kink education. “There’s lots of classes out there about consent, roles, and negotiation of power dynamics,” says Rose. “I’d highly encourage people to go there and do a little bit of learning.” But beyond the logistics and education, it should go without saying that it’s important to enjoy yourself. “Allow yourself to have some humour and to be unsure,” she adds. “Don’t feel as if you have to do some kind of huge porn production.”
Some names have been changed
