The beauty of the BDSM world is the consensual exchange of power and trust between the parties involved.
Source: Glamourmagazine.co.uk.
UK – I recently watched the documentary We Need to Talk About Cosby, based on the allegations that Bill Cosby* drugged and sexually assaulted multiple women.
Like many, I was extremely concerned by the comments made by Sonalee Rashatwar, a sex therapist, who argued that in an “idyllically sex-positive world,” someone should be able to “pay conscious women to come and be drugged” so that they can “get [their] kink out” for their “fetish of having sex with unconscious people.” Rashatwar argued: “There’s a consensual way to do that.”
This is not only problematic; it’s impossible. Rashatwar has since apologised for the comments, but it’s worth interrogating them in further detail.
As a sexual empowerment coach and former professional international dominatrix, I’ve had the pleasure of travelling the world and being exposed to different kinks and fetishes. I was regularly booked to attend parties at clubs such as Killing Kittens and Torture Gardens as their professional Domme for the evening, which would involve me playing with couples and individuals.
I would introduce myself and ask for verbal consent – “Would you like me to spank you” – and then I’d share the safe word for the night – “strawberries.” I would also introduce a physical sign for a safe word; for example, a thumbs up. Physical signs are great if, like in my case, there’s loud music or the person is gagged and unable to be vocal.
As I toured the world, I met many individuals and couples who wanted to learn how to introduce kink into their relationship, play safely with and without toys such as floggers or learn how to be a dominatrix. The women wanted to learn how to be powerful, assertive and sexy.
This led me to create Mistress Training, a safe environment for women to explore their kinks and desires, to learn how to use toys and equipment safely, as well as how to keep themselves safe.
The number one lesson taught would be “consent”: how to ask for it and give it, how to check in with your play partner, lover or spouse. This means keeping communication open; asking your partner if they’re OK; if they’re enjoying themselves; and if they feel safe and respected. In other ways, ensuring consent.
As a Sexual Empowerment Coach, I encourage my clients to use safe words in vanilla relationships, as well as BDSM relationships. A vanilla relationship is a non-traditional relationship that doesn’t involve kink.
A safe word is a particular word both parties have agreed on using, for example, “strawberries”, to indicate when to stop. My clients find using a safe word very impactful as many were afraid of spoiling the mood if they asked their partner or lover to stop; this way the person feels comfortable and empowered to use their voice.
In our sessions, we explore the dangers of playing with toxic people, referred to as the “Toxic Domme,” a popular term used to describe a person who uses a fetish or kink to mask their toxic, controlling, narcissistic behaviour to harm others.
“When confronted, he used having a foot fetish as an excuse for his behaviour.”
Nina**, a friend in the industry, shared with me her experience with a man she had met through work; she explains he made her feel very uncomfortable and sent her several messages to meet up for drinks and requested she send him pictures of her feet in particular poses.
He then went on to create a women’s only WhatsApp group under the pretence of it being an empowering women’s group as he worked as a mentor and was highly respected in the music industry. The group had 100 women in it; including Nina.
Compelled to speak up about his behaviour, she shared in the group her concerns, and when she did, eleven other women came forward, stating that they too had been asked out for drinks and pictures of their feet; some women as young as 19 were exposed to this behaviour.
Nina says, “when confronted, he used having a foot fetish as an excuse for his behaviour.”
She is one of many stories of women experiencing men using BDSM as an excuse not to take accountability for their actions. But the beauty of the BDSM world is the consensual exchange of power and trust between the parties involved.
As someone who enjoys playing and advocates for a sex-positive society, we can not allow fetishes or kinks to be used against women who have been victimised; we need to continue to discuss and educate people on consent.
It’s equally important we don’t shame those with kinks and fetishes and criminalise them; there has to be a clear distinction between the two. If you do not ask for consent, it’s a crime against that individual and can have long-lasting effects on their mental health.
Since when did women’s bodies just become pieces of flesh for men to “get out their kinks,” as stated by Rashatwar in the Bill Cosby documentary?
A 2019 research paper defines sexual consent as “one’s voluntary, sober and conscious willingness to engage in a particular sexual behaviour with a particular person within a particular context.”
Theoretically, a person can consent to be drugged and can consent to the “act” of having sex, but how can they give “active consent” if they are unconscious? Describing “having sex with unconscious people” as a “fetish” effectively tells participants that once they’ve consented, they can’t change their minds. This is incredibly disempowering; the unconscious participant no longer has agency over their body, while the conscious party can now perform whatever action they want without the other party’s conscious awareness or consent.
Sex is supposed to be liberating and empowering; taking away a woman’s voice doesn’t seem sex-positive, in my opinion, nor does promoting drug-taking play out a person’s kink or fetish.
*Bill Cosby has maintained his innocence against these allegations.
**Names have been changed at the interviewee’s request.
You can read more from Miss Erica Storm on Instagram at @missericastorm.
