If degradation turns you on in a big way, this one might be for you.
Source: Cosmopolitan.com.
USA – Let’s imagine some steamy scenarios real quick. Let’s say things are starting to feel real good during a sex sesh and you let out a loud moan. Then your partner commands you to be quiet by placing a ball gag in your mouth as punishment for being too noisy. Or what if you and your partner did some role play but only involving characters that share a superior-inferior power dynamic like boss-employee and teacher-student? Starting to notice a pattern yet?
If you read those fantasies and immediately thought, Ooh, yesss, that’s so me! then you likely have a humiliation kink—which essentially means someone is sexually aroused by being degraded or embarrassed to some extent, explains clinical psychologist Lisa Lawless, PhD, CEO of Holistic Wisdom, Inc. “A humiliation kink is a form of BDSM and is a psychological dance of dominance and submission. Ultimately, humiliation is about creating a power dynamic to excite the person being humiliated or both partners sexually.”
It’s important to keep in mind that this kink is open to interpretation, says Lawless. Being humiliated is subjective and differs from person to person. There may be specific preferences for the form of humiliation a person enjoys. “For example, while someone may enjoy being psychologically humiliated, they may not enjoy physical acts of humiliation,” Lawless adds.
While you may not be super familiar with this particular variety of kink, humiliation kinks are quite common. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that examined the erotic behavior of women in the kink community, almost 43 percent enjoyed being on the receiving end of verbal abuse or humiliation and almost 26 percent enjoyed being on the dominant end of humiliating their partner in the same way. Though the study specifically analyzed women, let’s make it clear that erotic humiliation can be enjoyed by anyone of any gender.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s get to the spicy stuff—starting with different ways to incorporate humiliation kinks into sex, why it turns people on, and how to do it safely.
What Does Humiliation Play Look Like in the Bedroom?
There’s a wide range of ways a humiliation kink can play out in the bedroom. Ultimately, anything you do in bed that could theoretically make someone feel ashamed in real life would fall within the realm of humiliation play—assuming it’s done between consenting partners for that agreed-upon purpose, of course.
“For some, the extent of humiliation play may consist only of verbal remarks such as being referred to as a ‘stupid slut’ or as ‘Mr. Mircopenis,’” explains fetish content creator Lana Luxor. “For others, it may include verbal as well with physical components, such as being urinated on, or being groped by their play partner(s) in a public sphere.”
If those examples are already getting you hot and bothered, here are other ideas to consider when incorporating humiliation and degradation during sex:
- Punishment in the form of possessiveness: Wearing collars or other jewelry with your partner’s name on it as a sign of ownership
- Punishment in the form of facials: Ejaculating or squirting on your partner’s face
- Commands: Making your partner beg for what they want or need or making them clean the house in a maid’s outfit
- Impact play: Bending your partner over your lap and spanking them with a paddle any time they do something wrong
- Pet play: Forcing your partner to dress and/or act like an animal
Why Would Someone Want to Be Humiliated in Bed?
There are various reasons someone might be into scenarios involving humiliation, shame, and embarrassment in the bedroom. Some of those reasons may include the desire to feel vulnerable, out of control, and like they’re doing something taboo or forbidden. But one of the biggest reasons erotic humiliation can be arousing is similar to the same reason people enjoy roller coasters—it’s a unique and enticing way to enjoy the sensation of thrill and novelty.
Novelty
According to Luxor, “The satisfaction that one may receive from arousal that comes from being in that position makes your heart rate quicken, muscle tension rise, and breathing occur rapidly.” From a psychological standpoint, the rush of adrenaline someone experiences from doing something out of the norm can cause intense feelings of pleasure.
Power Dynamics
The implementation of power dynamics is another reason humiliation play is appealing for some, especially when a person feels as though they are the opposite in real life. “For example, someone who often feels they are in a position of power in their life may enjoy someone taking control over them as a form of sexual release,” Lawless explains.
So if you’re a boss bitch who likes calling the shots at your corporate job but you get turned on during sex when your boo makes comments that belittle your sexual abilities (like a snarky, “That’s all you can deep throat? Pathetic”), then power play may explain why you’re into humiliation play in bed.
Niche Fantasy
Power dynamics aside, exploring the contrast between what’s “real” vs. what’s “fantasy” is another incentive people may have for enjoying humiliation play in the bedroom, especially considering that it’s a kink that could easily be seen as forbidden or taboo. “For some people, this may ease concerns and allow their inhibitions to lower to enjoy said play. They can engage in humiliation because they understand that this isn’t real,” says Luxor.
Punishment or Working Through Negative Feelings
In some cases, an interest in humiliation play may come from a desire to eroticize negative things someone associates with themselves—such as having low self-esteem, an anxious attachment style, or past trauma.
“Some people might crave humiliation because it confirms their feelings of worthlessness,” Lawless suggests. “It can also be a way for someone to experience being punished for things they feel guilt or shame about and are struggling to forgive themselves for.”
Expert-Approved Tips for Practicing a Humiliation Kink in a Safe Way
Humiliation play is exciting, but it can easily go from 0 to 100 real quick if you aren’t fully prepared, which is why certified sex therapist Melissa Cook, AASECT, a writer at FunwithFeet, recommends direct communication and aftercare.
“It’s important to discuss and mutually agree upon activities, boundaries, and safe words that allow for an immediate stop of the play if necessary,” she says. “Moreover, BDSM activities, including humiliation play, can often bring intense emotions to the surface. This is why I advocate for thorough aftercare—dedicated time post-play to emotionally and physically tend to one another, discuss the experience, and help each other transition back to normalcy.”
Cook adds that it’s equally critical to consider the emotional health of all parties involved before initiating the play. Being in a good mental and emotional space when navigating anything kink-related helps ensure that you’ll have a more comfortable time processing the experience as a couple during aftercare.
It can be super fun to partake in the spankings, name-calling, and erotic shame, but it’s important to mitigate the potential risks associated with these more intense practices. Tread lightly, communicate consistently, and above all, remember that kinks are just kinks. Have fun and happy humiliation to all who partake!
