Hint: It’s different from a worship kink.
Source: Womenshealthmag.com.
USA – Picture this: Things are getting hot and heavy with your partner in the bedroom and, as you do that thing they love, they whisper: “You’re such a good girl.” Maybe they’ve said these words before or this is the first time, but either way, one thing rings true: It gets you extremely hot. Sound familiar? You just might have a praise kink.
If you’ve never heard the term “praise kink” before, the label might feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Also known as affirmation play, this turn-on is nothing to feel weird about. It’s a perfectly healthy desire that a lot of people have—and one you can explore in fun, safe, and expansive ways.
If you’re curious to know if you might have a praise kink and how to experiment with it safely, WH has teamed up with those who understand it best to share all you need to know. Ahead, kink experts and sex therapists outline all the steamy (and misunderstood) details about this popular kink.
What is a praise kink?
“A praise kink is deriving erotic pleasure from being praised, complimented, or receiving positive feedback,” says Greyson Smith, LPCC, a couples and sex therapist. It’s different from getting compliments in your day-to-day life because it involves obtaining sexual satisfaction from that feedback.
A praise kink can show up in many different ways—it’s all about what works for you, personally, and your partner(s). For example, one person may love hearing their partner tell them they’re doing such a good job while performing a sexual act. Whereas another might only enjoy being called a “good girl” or “good boy” when they’re about to reach climax, as it could help them get there and intensify the experience.
That said, a praise kink shouldn’t be confused with a worship kink, says Melissa Cook, PhD, a sex therapist and kink expert. “Worship kinks often involve the adoration or deep admiration of a specific body part or even the entire person,” she says. “Think of it as revering and cherishing [another] in a more intense manner.” A praise kink, on the other hand, focuses on acquiring deep arousal from compliments or affirmations during intimacy, per Cook.
One thing they do have in common is that they’re both kinks: sexual behaviors, sexual interests, or relationship structures thought to be outside mainstream culture, per Lee Phillips, PhD, a certified sex and couples therapist.
Is a praise kink a part of BDSM?
You might be wondering if praise kink falls under the broad umbrella of BDSM, a well-known acronym that encompasses bondage, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. And while it can indeed fall in the bucket of BDSM, it’s not exclusively so, according to Cook.
“While the world of BDSM, with its myriad of dynamics and roles, can integrate elements of praise—like, for instance, a dominant offering words of affirmation to a submissive—it’s entirely possible for couples or individuals not involved in BDSM to engage in and appreciate praise kinks, too,” Cook says.
If you are part of the BDSM world, however, praise can be a wonderful way to connect during intense moments of play, as it is a light way to share consent and celebrate the joys of a kink connection, says Nadège Collot, a sex scholar and author of Sextrology.
In short, praise kinks aren’t mandatory in BDSM, and having a praise kink doesn’t mean you’re automatically entering into BDSM territory. It really is more about you, your partner, plus your personal pleasure preferences and dynamic.
Why do people have praise kinks?
The reasons behind having a praise kink can be as varied as the individuals who have this kink.
But if you’re curious, ahead are just a few reasons why someone might take pleasure in being affirmed in the bedroom, according to Cook:
- It may be rooted in their desire for validation, connecting with their self-esteem.
- Past experiences or simply their intrinsic sexual blueprint might steer them towards it.
- It feels good to be told your partner is enjoying themselves.
- It’s a way to connect with what you like to do and share that with a partner.
“Exploring this type of kink provides people with an opportunity for self-reflection and to build self-esteem,” says Phillips. “It provides a sacred space where people feel safe to try new things, push boundaries, flirt with edges, and conquer fears.”
For some people, praise kink is one small part of their sexuality. While, for others, it may be the “exclusive way they express their sexuality, and an integral part of their lifestyle and identity,” Phillips says.
While there are some common misconceptions around praise kink—such as, those who have it didn’t get enough love as a kid, or that it’s only a desire among people intensely involved in the kink world—these beliefs are no only presumptuous, but inaccurate. “I am sure people imagine the answer [of why you’d have a praise kink] to be ‘because you did not get enough praise as a child,’ but that is simply creating an explanation for something that we cannot definitively answer,” says Smith.
Ultimately, as long as there is mutual consent and trust in place, you don’t need to justify why you find something arousing. Everyone should be able to enjoy and express themselves sexually in a trusting environment.
Practicing mutual consent and trust are great for any relationship. Here are more tips for maintaining a healthy bond, in and out of the bedroom:
How do I know if I have a praise kink?
If any of the above align with your experiences, you might just have a praise kink. But how do you know for sure?
“If your love language is words of affirmation it is very likely that you’ll enjoy some kinky ‘praise play,’” says Collot, “[or if] praise is something that nourishes and fulfills you in other areas of your life.” (Think: You sexually light up when your partner compliments you, even in the context of just doing something around the house.)
After all, it feels good to be told you did a good job in other areas of life, so it makes sense to want to receive that positive feedback in the bedroom, too.
How do I experiment with praise kink?
So you’ve realized you have a praise kink. Now, you’re probably wondering how to best explore this fantasy of yours. Ready to dive in? Ahead, the experts offer a few tips.
1. Ask your lover to praise you.
If you don’t tell your partner about your praise kink, they may never know you’re into the idea. “Before the next time you have sex, ask your lover if they can praise you when you do a good job performing a sexual act, like oral, a foreplay massage, or even [during penetrative] sex,” Collot suggests.
As always, discuss it outside of intimate moments. “Talk about sex at neutral times and places with space to check in calmly,” says Smith. During the convo, “remember to communicate the fun and pleasure you would feel from engaging in your praise kink.”
You may even consider validating your partner first. Let them know how much you love having sex with them, but that you want to get more creative. “This helps you feel less embarrassed because you are making them feel great as a sexual partner and saying what you’d like to try,” Lee says.
2. Take it at your own pace.
Sex isn’t a race, so if you’re nervous, take it slow. Instead of diving headfirst, Cook recommends starting by introducing simple compliments during your intimate moments and see how it feels for both of you. You might say something like:
- “You’re so beautiful.”
- “You’re amazing at that.”
- “You’re such a good girl/boy.”
“Afterward, have a conversation about the experience, discussing the emotions it evoked and any desires to further explore,” she says.
“If you’re blending it into a BDSM dynamic, always remember the importance of having a safeword to ensure both parties feel safe and respected,” explains Cook. A safeword is a term that serves as a pre-arranged and unambiguous signal to end an activity, Women’s Health previously reported. It can be anything you and your partner agree to—but ideally, it’s something a bit random that would pull you out of the moment, such as “peaches” or “tomato.”
3. Explore different ways to receive praise.
There are many ways to give and accept praise that go beyond the simple, “you turn me on so much.” For example, you might have your partner praise you with phrases like:
- “You’re so obedient, good boy.”
- “You’re being such a good girl. You’re using your mouth so well.”
- “Seeing you take off your clothes turns me on so much. You look incredible.”
- “You took that so well. I’m so proud of you.”
If you’re struggling with ideas of how to give praise, Smith recommends checking out erotic audio stories, or reading articles (hey, there!) on praise kink to find out what works and sounds best for you.
4. Make it a reward.
If you want to take the next step in a praise kink exploration, ask your lover to give you a task to fulfill before or during sexual play in exchange for praise, Collot suggests. “This can look like giving a quick strip tease before foreplay begins, arriving on time to a sex [appointment], or decluttering the bedroom before sex and lighting some candles.” In this way, you can make play into a game with a sexy prize.
5. Accept praise outside of the bedroom.
Praise doesn’t start and end during sex, the experts recommend trying to give and/or receive praise outside of the bedroom, too.
A fun way to engage in your praise kink outside of sex is by having your partner send you sexy voice notes throughout the day to test drive new scripts, says Collot. For example, your lover might ask you to send a picture of your outfit, and when you do, they respond with a sultry voice note showering you with compliments about how hot you look and how they can’t wait until the next time you’re together.
Some examples of things you can say or text include:
- “You were such a good girl today, great job.”
- “I appreciate how you notice…”
- “You always know how to make me smile.”
- “I’m lucky to be your partner.”
- “You’re so gorgeous. I can’t wait to…”
When all is said and done, be sure to practice aftercare which is “the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter,” Women’s Health previously reported. Aftercare may involve cuddling, debriefing, or even grabbing a glass of water and snack—whatever will help you and your partner(s) “come down” and feel comfortable after intense play.
After all, there’s no higher praise than showing your partner just how much you care.
