No matter what, consent is crucial.
Source: Stylecaster.com.
USA – If you’ve ever wanted to get kinky with a partner, you’re not alone. A 2017 study on sexual diversity found that Americans are interested in a wide range of kinky behaviors, and a survey of 2,000 Americans by the sex toy company EdenFantasys found that one in four Americans consider themselves kinky. Whether you’re in the mood for dirty talk, role play, edging, or all of the above, there are many kinks to try that can shake up your sex life—consider these 10 kinky sex ideas your starter kit. After all, embracing your kinky side can potentially boost the connection between you and your partner.
“Exploring kinks can increase intimacy, trust, and pleasure,” says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a certified sexologist and lead researcher at Women’s Health Interactive. “Kinks can add excitement and novelty, making sex more fun and interesting—and by opening up about our fantasies, we allow our partners to know and pleasure us on a deeper level.” Since getting kinky with a partner requires clear, consistent communication about personal boundaries, the experience can help you both feel closer, Melancon adds.
Maybe you’re brand new to kink… or “BDSM” is basically your middle name. Either way, exploring kink with someone can feel like uncharted territory. It’s natural to feel excited, intimidated, turned on, and nervous all at once, but know that you never have to do something beyond your comfort zone, and clear consent is key (more on that soon). To help you get started, here’s what kink means, why it matters for your sex life, along with 10 kinky ideas to try, according to certified sex therapists.
What Is a Kink?
Like many terms in the sexuality world, the meaning of kink varies for everyone. A 2020 study in the Journal of Positive Sexuality defines kink as an umbrella term that addresses “a wide range of atypical erotic interests, identities, behaviors, practices, and relationships.” In short: Kink generally refers to sexual experiences that fall outside of a perceived conventional norm. But of course, there is no single “norm” when it comes to sex, and what one person defines as kinky, another may see as vanilla.
“What is considered a kink also varies by culture,” Melancon adds. “For example, historically, oral sex was extremely uncommon, and at one point would have been seen as kinky. But currently, oral sex is part of our ‘typical’ repertoire of sex acts, so it would not usually be considered kinky [today].” (A quick scroll through #KinkTok—where many kinksters flock to educate, share stories, and find community—will show you that kinky experiences come in all forms).
Often, popular depictions of kink include elements of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM). If you’re a beginner, the term “kink” alone might even conjure up ideas of leather and latex. However, kink exists on a wide spectrum, and there is no single “right” or “wrong” way to experience it. It’s also worth noting that kinks are different from fetishes, which refer to attraction to inanimate objects (think: foot fetish), although the terms are sometimes used interchangeably.
Are Kinks Important In a Relationship?
Exploring kink can be a meaningful experience that enhances your romantic connection, according to sexperts. “Trying a new kink can increase intimacy, improve communication, enhance sexual satisfaction, and add ‘spice’ to a relationship,” says Katie Schubert, PhD, a licensed mental health counselor, certified sex therapist, and owner of Cypress Wellness Center. “When couples choose to explore kinks together, it can offer a shared interest that can bring them together in new and intimate ways.” Even if you and your partner aren’t into the exact same kinks, exploring your sexy sides together can deepen your bond.
Elyssa Helfer, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, says that exploring kink can even help you connect deeper with yourself. “One of the beautiful things about kink is that it requires folks to lean into the expansiveness of their eroticism,” she explains. “There is an inherent vulnerability that exists when someone is new to kink, as they are beginning to explore fantasies that may have been shut down, kept hidden, unacknowledged, or even out of one’s awareness.”
Telling your partner you’re into dirty talk or sharing your secret threesome fantasy requires vulnerability, which can strengthen a relationship, Helfer says. “The trust, consent, and heightened connectedness that accompanies kink can fundamentally alter the ways in which folks engage with each other.” Plus, learning how to express your boundaries, needs, and desires can be a valuable tool inside and outside the bedroom.
10 Kinks To Try Solo Or With a Partner
Before diving in, Schubert recommends doing a quick Google search to explore options you might be interested in (NSFW warning!) and having your partner do the same. “This can be followed by a date night trip to your local sex toy store to pick out items to facilitate exploration,” she adds. You can also take this fun quiz to learn more about your turn-ons. In the meantime, here are 10 kinks to try that’ll spice things up in bed.
- Talk dirty to each other
Dirty talk with a partner can be a beginner-friendly way to ease into kinky sex, according to certified sexologist Mystkue Woods. “Dirty talk can include degradation—a.k.a. putting someone down consensually, like ‘You dirty slut’—or an affirmation, like ‘You’re doing such a good job,’’’ she explains. If that sounds too intense, start by sending your partner a hot selfie, sexting them during the workday, or describing what you want to do with them later. Then, later on, try different phrases IRL to see what turns you both on the most.
- Explore power dynamics
For some people, getting kinky means playing with power dynamics, which usually involves a “pre-negotiated hierarchical structure,” says Helfer. This is often seen in BDSM, where one person takes on a more dominant (“dom”) role, and another leans into submission (“sub”). “You may find that having one or more partner(s) lean into a dominant or submissive energy adds a whole new dynamic to your play,” Helfer explains.
If you feel empowered to lean into one of those energies, go for it! However, there are many ways to enjoy power play without the pressure of taking on a specific role. You might even find that it depends on your mood—sometimes, you’re down to be “dominated,” and other times, you’d rather be in control—and that’s totally normal.
- Try role-play together
New to kink? Helfer recommends leaning into your and your partner’s sexual fantasies to create a role play scenario. “Role-play can be a fun addition to someone’s erotic life,” she says. “This can include taking on different personas and playing into those roles.” For example, you might try teacher-student, cop-robber, pretend to “meet” your partner as a stranger at a bar, or come up with your own sexy dynamic.
“Role-play can be another way to begin understanding how power dynamics can be integrated, and/or it can serve as a method for creativity and imagination,” Helfer says. You may find that taking on fictional roles is a sexy way to explore new dynamics that you otherwise wouldn’t. Everyone’s turn-ons are different, so take time to listen to your partner and make note of what they find hot and why.
- Stimulate the senses
Experimenting with your five senses can be another pleasurable way to heat things up in bed, Melancon says. “Sensory play involves stimulating the senses to increase anticipation and arousal, including sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and forms of touch,” she explains. “Examples include the use of blindfolds, temperature play, oils or lotions, foods or drinks, candles or other lighting, massage, or tactile sensations via feathers, silk, fur, or other fabrics.” Keep safety and hygiene in mind by choosing safe, non-irritating materials and ingredients.
- Use a blindfold
Amanda Pasciucco, PhD, a clinical sexologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and author of Playtime, suggests using a blindfold as a fun, fairly low-risk way to explore kink with your partner. “Take a T-shirt or scarf and wrap it around your eyes,” she says. This can help add an element of excitement and help heighten your other senses.
To amplify your sexual experience, she also recommends pairing the blindfolding experience with direct eye contact before or afterward. “Another thing could be eye gazing with your partner, as it’s very intimate to look into one another’s souls before trying a sexy scene,” Pasciucco says.
- Try impact play
For some people, experimenting with impact—like spanking, flogging, or slapping—can be a turn-on. For beginners who want to explore this kink, it’s important to keep physical safety in mind—especially since it involves pain, stinging, and potential bruising, and you don’t want to risk injuring yourself or your partner, says Helfer.
“I’d encourage anyone who is interested in playing with pain to approach their interests slowly, cautiously, and with abundant education,” Helfer says. “Whether utilizing body parts, toys, or various objects, bringing consensual pain play into a relationship needs to be done with patience and care.”
Discuss your boundaries beforehand and make sure you know what’s OK and what’s totally not. Over time, you can explore what feels good for you and your partner—for example, spanking might feel amazing for you, but your partner may enjoy a different level of impact or have a different pain threshold. “[You should also] learn the proper technique for [impact], starting with the hand, then move on to other objects such as paddles, floggers, and more,” Woods suggests.
- Tie your partner up (or be tied yourself!)
For some people, bondage—aka consensually tying, restraining, or binding a partner during erotic play — can be a hot way to explore BDSM and kink. Popular forms of bondage include using handcuffs, rope, and other items to tie your wrists, ankles, or and other parts of the body to create a sense of restraint, but you can also explore bondage by holding your partner’s hands down during sex, or similar (as long as it’s consensual!).
“If adopting this energy seems like a challenge, using restraints (like rope and cuffs) can inherently bring that energy into the room,” says Helfer. “However, when any form of restraint is concerned, it is absolutely vital to ensure that nothing is too tight, as one of the most common kink-related injuries is nerve damage.” Before tying up a partner (or being tied up), try the loosest possible setting to gauge your comfort level. You may eventually experiment with elaborate, intimate forms of bondage like Shibari (a type of Japanese rope bondage).
- Have your partner watch you
If the idea of being seen or watched in a sexy context gets you going, exhibitionism might be one of your kinks. “Exhibitionism refers to sexual arousal from revealing aspects of one’s body to another person or people—with consent, of course,” says Melancon. “Exhibition may include arousal from showing off particular body parts or one’s entire body, enjoying being seen wearing lingerie or other sexy clothing, having sexual or erotic photos or videos taken, pole dancing, and/or public sex acts.”
To explore this kink, Melancon says you can try dressing up for yourself or your partner, taking sexy selfies, having your partner take photos or videos of you, or even having sex in a semi-public, but hidden location like a car, hotel balcony, or secluded outdoor area. (Keep safety in mind, though, and exercise caution, since public nudity is still illegal in most places!)
- Or, get off on watching your partner
On the flip side, you may be interested in exploring voyeurism—a.k.a. deriving pleasure from consensually watching someone else (or multiple people) engage in sexual or kinky activities. “This could include watching your partner get undressed or in the shower, watching them masturbate or dance erotically, or enjoying adult film,” Melancon explains.
Voyeurism, she says, can make a person feel “special, like you’re being let in on a secret,” which can heighten your erotic experience. Additionally, consensual exhibitionism and consensual voyeurism go hand in hand, Melancon explains: “An exhibitionist needs a voyeur, and vice versa,” making them two exciting kinks to pair together.
To try this kink, you might ask your partner to dance for you or watch as they undress, but always touch base with your partner first, Melancon says. “Communicate with your partner the reasons you like watching. Some people can feel self-conscious, but it can help to understand that your partner sees you as attractive in these moments.”
- Humiliation
Like any other kink, humiliation isn’t necessarily for everyone. But for some, it can be a major turn-on. “Our deepest fears and embarrassments can often turn us on the most!” Melancon says. “For instance, many [people] are aroused at being called a slut or whore, while some [people] enjoy being laughed at for the size of their penis (i.e., small penis humiliation).”
That said, it’s extra important to communicate with your partner and only try forms of humiliation that feel comfortable and safe, Melancon says. “Humiliation is very personal and what will feel enjoyably humiliating to one may feel truly disrespectful or even boring to another. Talk about preferred themes and terms ahead of time,” she explains. “Any gender can dominate or submit, and switching roles can often be enjoyable.”
When Trying A New Kink, Consent Is Crucial
Although kink can be sexy and enjoyable, exploring kink without boundaries and communication can be detrimental. “While defining kink or identifying as kinky can look different for everyone, the thread that must exist in all kink endeavors is consent,” Helfer says. If you and your partner aren’t aligned, your kinky experience can quickly shift from hot and healing to harmful.
“For any sex act (kinky or not!), consent is essential,” Melancon says. “Discuss your desires ahead of time and check in continuously. Agree on a safe word and signal—because sometimes words can be difficult to use during sex.” For example, if you’re engaging in impact play and the pressure or speed is too much, have a safe word prepped so your partner knows when to stop, or a hand signal that will indicate that the sensation is too much.
Schubert suggests openly discussing consent with your partner before, during, and after kinky play. “Having open discussions of what you’d like to try and what you’re not interested in is so important,” she says. Also, your feelings about certain kinks may change after you start exploring, and you may feel uncomfortable—and that doesn’t mean you have to keep going. “There may be something that sounds fun, but when you try it, it doesn’t feel good. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner you’ve changed your mind,” she says. “The best thing you can do with exploring kinks is engage in open honest communication with your partner.”
Woods recommends creating a “yes, no, maybe” checklist before getting kinky with someone—especially if it’s your first time experimenting. You should also be clear about what you’re hoping to get out of specific kinks. She says, “For example, wanting to feel empowered, to feel in control, to be cared for, or embarrassed—which are all valid responses.” Work through each item on your list, discuss any boundaries or concerns, and you’re bound to feel more comfortable and turned on when the moment finally arrives.
Whatever kinks you decide to explore, remember that safety, communication, and consent are key. After all, this is meant to be a pleasurable, empowering experience—not one that brings up fear or anxiety. “It’s crucial to understand the steps that go into a scene: communication, negotiation, the scene itself, aftercare, and a debrief,” says Helfer.
Although kink might push you out of your comfort zone, you should never feel pressured to do something you’re not OK with. Keep your personal boundaries in mind, explore kink solo or with a partner you trust, and as Helfer says, enjoy it! “While kink can feel intimidating at first, slowly integrating it into someone’s erotic life can be extremely rewarding and, for many, life-changing.”
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