Your role and responsibilities, explained
Source: Elle.com.au
AUSTRALIA – Nicole Kidman’s erotic triumph, Babygirl, has launched a thousand conversations about kink. In particular, it’s tapped into our desire (or equally, for some, a lack thereof) to be dominant or dominated. However, as Nic shows us in the film, picking up a new role in the bedroom is not as easy as it sounds. Many of us could see something we want to try—with little idea of where to go from there.
When it comes to BDSM—that’s: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism—there’s usually an imbalance of power. And part of the role of a dominant is to understand and safeguard the rules of play. If you’re looking for beginner’s advice on trying out a dominant or submissive role, we’ve enlisted the guidance of sex and relationships therapist Georgia Grace to shed some light on the practices that make a good dom. But before we get into that, the basics…
What Is A Dom Or Dominant?
As the name suggests, the dominant (or ‘dom’) takes a position of power or control over another during sex. While in practice, dominance and submission can look different to whoever is playing along, the general gist is that the ‘dom’ has greater agency and power over the ‘sub’ (submissive), who consensually submits to the dominant’s will.
What Are The Responsibilities Of A Dominant?
These can be quite complex, Georgia notes, and depends largely on the individuals involved and the kind of play being explored. Broadly speaking, these are some things to keep in mind:
Know Boundaries and Establish Consent Rules
Consent is a vital part of any sexual encounter. And with kink play, the specifics need to be locked down with even greater attention. “[The dom’s] role is to ensure that the person who is in more of a sub role is consenting and excited,” Georgia explains. “So you need to talk about exactly what you’re going to do, [and] you need to talk about your limits and your boundaries. You need to talk about how you’re going to care for each other. You need to agree on safe words.”
If you’re unsure if you will like something, you could try the ‘traffic light’ system, which involves flagging sexual practices as ‘green’ for yes/go, ‘orange/yellow’ as unsure/let’s pause or take it slow, or ‘red’ for no/stop.
As a dom, you need to be as guided by rules as your sub, and the golden rule is to always observe safety and consent.
Understand Your Tools And Techniques
Akin to the world of elite sports, it’s important to have ‘practice’ and ‘play’ sessions to perfect your technique. Before diving in, you could have a practice session, Georgia suggests. Meanwhile, understand the basics of your chosen toys and tools by doing some research and watching a few how-to videos. Understanding how your chosen accessories work, and what sensations they provide, can help you avoid going in too strong and possibly hurting a partner.
If you really want to be a good dom, you’ll have to learn from an expert. There are plenty of professionals you can turn to for advice. There are also resources available on sites like Normal, with safety and consent tips, ‘How To’ guides and other key information provided by experts in the field.
Check In Frequently
Georgia says a dom not only needs to establish and safeguard the pre-established rules of boundaries and consent, they also need to be constantly checking in. “[Dom’s] will need to become aware of verbal and non verbal cues,” she says. “So, if their partner’s body is like tightening or stiffening, or they’re looking distracted or they’re disassociating, that’s a really good point to check in.”
She reminds that checking in can be sexy. “You could say, ‘I’m not going to do anything more to you until you tell me what you want, or until we’ve checked in’, or ‘I want to pause now because I want to connect with you’.”
Practice Aftercare
Aftercare is key after intense sex, especially if you’re experiencing a drop in emotions and neurochemicals afterwards. (Georgia says that crying is common!) So, have some gentle time together with hugs or chats, depending on how your partner/s like to be cared for.
Some Beginner Tips & Inspiration
Introducing new types of sexual play can make us feel extremely vulnerable. So, if you’re looking for a gentle in-road, Georgia suggests seeing a movie like Babygirl could open the floor to a conversation. Meanwhile, if you know you want to try it but don’t know where to start, some basic tools or games could assist. Georgia recently developed a ‘kink kit‘ in partnership with kink expert, Demon Derriere, which comes with a ‘sex menu’, where you can jot down your order, so to speak, and the fundamentals for play: a blindfold, handcuffs, a crop paddle and a tassel flogger.
“I think starting off with a blindfold can be a really great way in, because you get to explore sensory play and deprivation. You get to explore someone having more control and someone having less control,” she explains.
Similarly, Georgia says playing with power can be as simple as a few instructive words, for example, “do [this] to me”, “touch me here”, “I want you to stay there” or “I want you to come closer”.
It could also be worth remembering with dominance and submission that erotic play doesn’t necessarily have to involve a ‘sexual’ act. It could begin fully clothed. Recently, ‘financial domination‘ as a sexual kink has been a hot topic. Wherever there is a power imbalance—and some might argue that’s everywhere—there’s room to explore dominance and submission.
Types of kinks and power plays, could include:
- Restraint
- Impact play (e.g. spanking)
- Sensation play (e.g. heat and cool sensations, tickling, different types of touch, nipple play)
- Role play
- Food play
