AWARD-WINNING NYC-BASED EVENT CURATOR, VENUS CUFFS, IS A MOGUL THAT’S CULTIVATED A NIGHTLIFE COMMUNITY OF EMPOWERMENT AND INCLUSIVITY
Source: Essence.com
USA – Throughout history, Black women have seldom benefited from their own over-sexualization.
The Jezebel is a trope that stems from slavery that paints Black women as hyper-sexual and immoral. Critical race theorist Gloria Ladson-Billings wrote this stereotype is: “synonymous with promiscuity,” having “an insatiable sexual appetite,” and “someone who uses sex to manipulate men.”
Over time, this view of Black girls and women has remained a hallmark of their lived experience. In what experts have deemed “adultification,” teachers, law enforcement officials, parents and other grown figures often view young Black girls as less guileless and more adult-like than their white counterparts.
This is something Venus Cuffs can personally attest to. At just seven years old, she was sexually assaulted by a family friend and forced to relive the trauma, because nothing was done about it.
“He was still around for years, so I really didn’t understand the magnitude of what happened to me because everything went on like normal.”
Cuffs shared she grew up in a dysfunctional household between Los Angeles and New York City that was led by her single, hard-working mother and uncle who both grew up in foster care where chaos was commonplace. At the time of her assault, Cuffs said she was on the cusp of prepubescence and found it difficult to identify with the physiological changes happening to her in comparison to kids her age.
“I only started to process it when I was a teenager,” Cuffs shared told ESSENCE, explaining that as her schoolmates gained awareness of their growing sexual urges, she was forced to rethink her own experiences.
“In junior high and high school, people are like, ‘hey, are you a virgin?’ I never knew how to answer that question because it was like, technically, I guess I’m not. But at the same time, I was because it wasn’t consensual.”
She said this disjointed understanding sparked a need to take control of her sexuality, as well as gain a deeper understanding of consent. At 17, she did just that.
“I was invited to my first kink party then,” Cuffs said, referring to a type of gathering where attendees participate in consensual sexual acts in a safe, controlled environment. “I really enjoyed the way everyone seemed to feel. z That was really the beginning of it all.”
A short time later Cuffs turned 18, so she was of legal age to attend more kink parties where she said she was able to explore more. It was at one of those gatherings she met a “submissive,” or a person who submits to another, usually under the framework of BDSM lifestyle.
“It was incredible because almost immediately, he became a client and I became their pro-domme,” she said.
A pro-domme is in reference to a professional dominatrix, or a person who is trained in the art of female domination for BDSM role play in exchange for a fee. After doing some research, Cuffs said she realized the role was ideal in helping her gain agency over her body. It was also a great way to earn money.
“Initially I didn’t know what a pro-domme was, but he offered me $200 to step on him, and I was like, yeah, I guess I’m a pro-domme,” she said laughingly. “I thought, if I can make money doing this and kind of, like, pull myself out of poverty, then why not? That’s the route I decided to take. At that time, it was survival. I wasn’t doing well in life. I wasn’t where a 17, almost 18-year-old would normally be.”
Understandably, the then teen had to grow up fast to adapt to the fast-paced adult entertainment industry. At one point she even found herself homeless. But she quickly learned the ropes.
Through her pro-domme work, Cuffs put herself through college debt-free, earning a finance and business management degree. It was through the coursework Cuffs learned she had a knack for organization and project management. She then started throwing her own kink parties, organized large scale sex-positive events, and years later transitioned out of BDSM work into the nightlife industry full-time.
“Over the years, everyone kept telling me how safe they felt at my kink parties, and they wanted to see more from me, so I branched out into traditional nightlife.” It was a seamless transition, mostly because of the core concepts she’d learned in her pro-domme work.
“There’s something in BDSM called negotiations where you go back and forth talking to each other to communicate how they’d like the sexual encounter to flow, or the way they want to be touched, and concepts like that.” Through those conversations, she said she learned how to bargain and affectively communicate what she wanted, even in business.
Over time, Cuffs has made it her mission to help dispel harmful misconceptions about BDSM and sexual taboos in the Black community.
“When I was single, men I connected with didn’t understand my career,” she shared. Although Cuffs is now happily married, she reflected on the times her profession was misconstrued for prostitution by those she dated. “They would be like, ‘dominatrix? No, you fucking people for money.’ No, I’m not, actually. I’m getting paid to dominate somebody. I’d have to kind of like break it down and explain it. And believe it or not, some of the Black folks I’ve dated in the past actually got into this lifestyle through me by just learning and being open to things we think are just for white people. So there’s this idea that, ‘oh, that’s white people shit. We don’t do that. They do that. But we can own our sexual selves too.”
Now, Cuffs owns a class space that teaches people, and has owned two BDSM dungeons in years past. This is notable as the sexual entertainment industry is largely gate-kept by non-minorities. Cuffs also curates parties for people to not only explore sexually but to have fun in a myriad of ways.
“I’ve always wanted to create the type of environment for others I didn’t always have growing up: a safe and inclusive one,” Cuffs shared. “I’m in the business of breaking all the barriers. Owning what Black women were told we shouldn’t. I’m plus-sized, Black, queer and a former domme,” she said, pausing. “My message is specifically for Black women. Don’t listen to these clowns. Keep doing you and make your money.”
