UK – DESIREE Burch, the voiceover star of Netflix’s latest binge-worthy reality series Too Hot To Handle, used to work as a dominatrix while still a virgin.
The comedian has previously appeared on British panel shows including Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, and The Mash Report.
But in a 2018 interview opened on her past work as a sex worker which she said she fell into to “figure out more about men.
“I was trying to figure out how I could become more sexualised,” she told Metro newspaper.
“I found men frightening. I thought if I could do this, I could figure out more about men and their desires.
“I was an overachieving kid and if I ever wanted to learn about something I’d read a book until I felt comfortable enough doing it, so this was my equivalent of reading a book — about how to be sexual.”
She also told Jonathan Ross in a May 2019 interview that she was “paid to beat guys up like every woman wants” while she was still a virgin.
“That was a way to make money like many of the amazing women I worked with…they were in school, they were actors, or they were doing other things, they were nurses,” she said.
“They were like, ‘Oh, yeah, I can also actually make money by doing this thing that usually a lot of women have to do for no money.'”
Netflix unleashed the brand new dating show which has everyone hooked, last week.
If you’re wondering to watch on Netflix next, can we please reassure you that the answer is: Too Hot To Handle. The reality show sees 10 hot young (and ‘horny’) singles put on an island for what they think is going to be the most exotic and erotic summer of their lives. Except, shortly after they arrive, they’re told they’re not allowed to touch each other (or themselves) ‘romantically’ for the entire time, if they want to win the $100,000 prize. Amazingly, every time someone ‘rebels’, money is knocked off the prize total. So obviously, that’s brilliant television.
Throughout it all, saying what we’re all thinking, and making us laugh is narrator, Desiree Burch. The comedian, originally from LA, moved to London and is now a recognisable face for anyone who has watched UK TV shows like Live At The Apollo and Mock The Week. Not only is she funny as hell, but her experiences in her pre-comedy life as a sex worker (which she discussed in her 2017 comedy special, Unfuckable) make her the perfect candidate to navigate the, er, ins and outs of the sexual politics playing out on screen.
We caught up with Desiree for a very in-depth chat about all things Too Hot To Handle – the interview doesn’t contain spoilers per se, but does touch on things that happen in the first few episodes.
There’s a lot of television available right now – what would you say to encourage people to choose Too Hot To Hande?
Well it’s a new one – most of the world has finished Netflix, so it’s new! For those who both enjoy the young single reality genre, and those who don’t, there’s a lot to offer in terms of the unfolding humanity of these lovely very young and very attractive and seemingly oblivious people. It starts to become arresting as they learn a bit more about their humanity.
Did you have fun with all the sex puns?
I would come in and the producers and writers would have a script and then I would maybe add my own twist or be like, ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to say because I’m American and all the production team is British’. So sometimes it would be that cultural translation thing. And also it’s about how do we say this without being reductive or sexist or an asshole. It was an interesting look at how we talk about these things.
Do you think that, having done sex work, you brought an element of sex-positivity to the show? Even though the show is about abstaining, these are people who are very highly sexed and open about that…
Obviously I have done sex work and when we get to the part where it’s about Shibari and all the restraints and stuff, the producer was like, ‘OK, so you know how to pronounce it?’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve had some experience.’ But it was cool they even had those workshops because it is a different way to learn about engagement and sexuality and enticement without actually consummating the act. There’s a lot to be explored rather than, literally, the ins and outs of sex. Like if you say you’ve had good sex, that could mean a lot of different things, some of it is about the aftercare or connection or intensity – some of it is just about the acrobatics. Most of us probably had a lot more sex in our 20s but had a lot better sex as we learned what we liked and what it means to really connect with someone, which takes some experience and wisdom and self knowledge. So I’m happy to bring that positivity to it, because I watched these people discovering that. It’s really beautiful and it’s not really a window we get to have into other people or ourselves.
Which characters did you love. We’re kind of fascinated, for many reasons, by Matthew…
Yes, Jesus! It’s so funny because all of these people slowly reveal who they are to you, like Matthew comes in in his sweatpants and then takes it all off and you’re like, ‘Holy crap!’ I also love the dynamic of him and Kelz [trying to find out who kissed and lost them $3,000]. I totally understand that point of view that’s like, ‘OK, all this is cute… but you’re cutting into my cash right now’. I get both the, ‘Oh this is hard to resist’ but also the ’Let’s play the game, because we’re in Mexico or wherever shooting this thing and it’s a fun holiday, but we’re giving time in our lives and exposing ourselves, so let’s walk away with some money.’ I’m surprised they didn’t have more explosive blow-ups. Chloe I find hilarious. Just the way she expresses these things. Like when she says, [in an Essex accent] ‘Animosity’ like, ‘I did a smart.’ And Kelz has side-eye reactions that would crack me up and David just like… he led with a butt massage. Dude, who does that? I’d never met any of them, but they’re so engaging and funny. Like when Sharron is like, ‘I’ve been through so much,’ and you’re like, ‘Mate you’re 20-nothing you’ve been through four things and I understand they are massive in your life, but…’ It’s just really cute.
I mean, when Bryce comes in and says has sex with a new person EVERY DAY…
Oh my GOD! I was losing it when Bryce was introduced. Can’t you just imagine him in 1977 with a Hawaiian shirt on and a gold chain? And it’s beautiful to watch as the show goes on, where that protective, uber-masculine identity comes from. Clearly he’s got a very bruised self-esteem and ego that compels him to find another woman to come onto a boat and have sex with him. If you’re having sex with someone every day, you’re not remembering names, it’s not about connection – it’s about filling a void. And for someone to go through a process of recognising that, by having to abstain and sit with what is compelling you to do that, I think it’s really powerful for people to watch. But yeah, he’s hilarious. The keyboard? There’s so much going on. Where is this inflated ego coming from?
Do you really think that by abstaining from sex and touch, the contestants are really learning something?
I think so. It takes a while to learn a lesson – typically as a human being we have to learn a lesson over and over like 25 times for it to change us, so this might be just the first couple of seeds planted for people. But I think any time we abstain from a reaction to something – because sometimes sex is a reaction, like I need a release – and any time you take a moment to slow it down, or you stop and sit with those feelings, you learn something about what is driving and motivating that. A lot of us right now – not to make any comparisons, it’s a different thing to be on an island to make lots of money – but I think a lot of us are discovering we do turn to food or drink or sex or work as a way to lose part of ourselves and that at some point we are all forced either by a challenge like this, or circumstances beyond out control, to not jump into that thing. And having to sit longer with the frustration of that is a very important lesson. It’s like what they talk about in meditation and yoga – feel the annoyance, feel the itch and then don’t respond and by doing so, you do learn something. It takes a lot of practice, but the beginning of that awareness and perception is a massive paradigm shift for most of us.
USA/JAPAN – On the Netflix reality dating show Too Hot to Handle, conventionally attractive contestants are challenged to form deeper emotional bonds with romantic partners without immediately hopping into bed together. In order to help them learn that lesson, the show puts contestants through various workshops—one of which is Shibari, or Japanese rope bondage. The goal of the Shibari exercise was to help contestants become more vulnerable and trusting with each other.
But what is Shibari, and how can it potentially help you bond with your partner? We spoke to two Shibari experts to find out: Midori, a sexologist, educator, and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage; and Kitty Killin, a Shibari artist and instructor.
What exactly is Shibari?
Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, Midori explains. Sometimes it’s also called Kinbaku or Japanese bondage.
Shibari literally translates to “to tie” or “to bind,” Kitty adds: “It refers to intricate and beautiful knots and patterns used to restrain and give sensation to the body.”
What’s the history of Shibari?
The visual imagery dates back to how prisoners and criminals were restrained in Japan during the medieval and Edo periods (1200s CE to late 1800 CE), Midori says. “This fed the darker erotic imagination of kinky Japanese people, much in the same way that European medieval prison tools inspired Western BDSM—think crosses, manacles, and chastity devices.”
Binding would also appear in specialty porn, other imagery, and underground adult entertainment venues in Japan. In World War II, some American soldiers saw Shibari and surreptitiously brought it back to the United States, Midori says. Cut to the ’90s, and it was all over the Internet. “Today, it’s developed into a 21st-century form of pleasure craft,” she says.
Shibari terminology to know:
There are certain common terms and phrases for Shibari practitioners. Kitty provided a list of some words that are commonly used:
Rigger/Rope Top: The person doing the tying.
Rope Bottom/Bunny: The person being tied.
Floor Tie: Rope work that is done exclusively on the floor.
Suspension: An advanced form of Shibari that includes lifting the body off the floor using only ropes.
Self-tie: When a person ties themself.
Midori adds that it’s important to have mutual “safe words” or “safe signals.” “These are words or signals to indicate that either one of you wants to change what’s happening,” she says. Many people tend to use the traffic light—green for keep going; yellow for I’m reaching my limit; and red for stop at once—but Midori encourages you to come up with the safe words that work best for you.
What’s the appeal of Shibari?
There are various reasons why someone may enjoy Shibari. “It may have to do with the feeling of letting go of control—or the feeling of surrendering during sex,” says Midori.
Some folks like the tactile sensation of the soft (or rough) rope against their skin. It can feel like a comforting, tight hug, Midori explains. It can also be a great addition to dominance and submission fantasy play. For some, “It can heighten sexual sensations and orgasms because of body position changes and muscle contractions,” Midori adds.
Something that particularly draws Kitty to Shibari is the intimacy it creates between her and the other person. “As a rigger, I can create a whole range of experiences for my bottom depending on what they desire,” she says. “Often the feeling desired is simply to be restrained, but sometimes it’s to feel beautiful, to feel shame, to feel sexy, to feel pain, and so on.” A rigger can create those feelings for someone with just their ropes.
How can it strengthen your relationship with your partner?
Just doing Shibari alone won’t automatically strengthen your relationship with your partner, says Midori. “But the communication required to plan it before, enjoy it during, and savor it after can strengthen a relationship,” she says, noting that this is also true for any BDSM play.
Kitty adds, “Shibari is a tool to learn about your partner’s body, to build trust between you and your partner, and to discover new and exciting intimacy.”
What’s something that the average person may get wrong about Shibari?
“Shibari is not inherently sexual,” explains Kitty. It’s not exclusively for dominatrixes, dungeons, and sexy bedroom bondage. “Many practice it as a form of meditation, as a tool to create connection and intimacy with a partner, or simply enjoy it because it’s beautiful,” she says. Nevertheless, Shibari can be used to spice things up in the bedroom or to add to your kinky repertoire, but the two don’t have to exist together.
Midori notes that some people think that all men top and all women bottom. “The reality is that people of all genders enjoy being tied up and tying up their lovers,” she says.
Where can I learn more about Shibari?
TwistedMonk is an exceptional rope vendor; it has free videos on their site that will get you started, says Midori. Kitty recommends Shibari Study, which is an online, subscription-based, anthology of classes and tutorials for all levels, taught by internationally renowned Shibari experts. You can also read, Midori’s book, Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. There are even conferences, such as Rope Craft, where people come together to learn about Shibari and socialize.
USA – Humans can get sexually aroused by so many different thingsjust look at the list of the most common sexual kinks in the U.S. Some people love getting spanked or talking dirty in bed. Some folks get aroused by elements of BDSM , which stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism; these people can get worked up (in the best way) when they’re being tied down and sexually humiliated.
Then there are the people who get aroused by food. Well, not exactly food in and of itself, but rather playing with food in a sexual context. Think, licking chocolate syrup off your partner’s chest, bathing nude in tub of spaghetti sauce, or even sitting butt-naked on a cake. Those who are turned on by the messiness of food have a kink known as “sploshing.”
What exactly is sploshing?
Sploshing, at its most basic level, refers to the act of incorporating food into your sex life. The sexual kink or fetish can take many forms, but in general, it happens when a person gets aroused by seeing and playing with copious amounts of food in a sexual setting. Sploshing is a subset of the “wet and messy” fetish (WAM), which also includes messy non-bodily substances like shaving cream, slime, paint, lotion, etc.
Some people may enjoy being covered in these substances, while others may enjoy covering others or watching overs get covered by them, explains Dr. Justin Lehmiller , a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.
Is sploshing a common kink?
There’s no research that tells us how common sploshing is specifically, but there’s data out there that sort of points us in the right direction.
For his book , Lehmiller surveyed 4,175 Americans, asking them about their sexual fantasiesincluding vomiting in a sexual context. Those with a vomit fetish, known as emetophilia, are turned on by either vomiting on themselves or seeing others vomit. (People with this fetish may get particularly aroused by vomiting or seeing someone vomit on a penis from deepthoating.)
Emetophilia is technically adjacent to sploshing, since body fluids are considered a distinct fetish. Still, vomit play often involves feeding a partner, which of course, constitutes sploshing. Anyhow, 2.2% of people surveyed said theyve ever had a fantasy that involved vomit, and 0.4% said this was something they fantasized about often. Lehmiller notes it was one of the rarest sexual fantasies that emerged in his study.
Whats the appeal of sploshing?
Like any sexual interest, the appeal can vary from person to person. Some people might enjoy it as a form of BDSM play, in which there is a submissive or masochistic element (like humiliation) involved in getting covered by a messy substance, says Lehmiller.
Others may just enjoy the physical or tactile sensation of these substances, he adds.
Ayesha Hussain, co-creator of Pass The Porn and founder of The Violet , says, There are aspects of the mouth being a vessel that are inherently sexual. It opens, its moist, and when you get aroused, your mouth opens more and gets more lubricated. This, she explains, could be the root of arousal.
Theres also a certain taboo associated with sploshing.
How many times were we told not to play with our food? Ayesha asks. There is a very alluring quality to the forbidden.
How can I explore sploshing?
If you’re interested in food play but aren’t sure where to begin, Ayesha suggests bringing a plate of food into the bedroom. It can be anything: spaghetti, cucumbers, chocolate, etc. Then go ahead and eat it really slowly, allowing your partner to watch. Then switch. Watch every movement, taste every smell, imagine their saliva accumulating, and go from there!
If the idea of bringing food into the bedroom sounds a little too extremeor you don’t want to try sploshing, but are interested in seeing what the fuss is aboutthere’s always sploshing porn. (What isn’t there porn for?) Search “sploshing” on Pornhub, and you’ll find hundreds of videos involving people getting covered in food. There are also various Instagram accounts like this one dedicated to sploshing and other forms of WAM.
UK/BIRMINGHAM – The coronavirus lockdown has been a financial disaster for £150-an-hour dominatrix Mistress Lagertha.
Most of her income is generated from one-on-one sessions which she decided to suspend shortly before the official ‘lockdown’ advice was issued.
And, despite her best efforts, she hasn’t been able to generate much money by doing more online work.
Mistress Lagertha – named after a Viking warrior – was earning up to £400 a month before the lockdown but now her income is down to just a few pounds from video sales and phone line work.
“This has hit me really badly,” she said.
“Clients have cancelled visits but the worst part of it, as someone who lives alone, is being on your own in lockdown. It is no fun at all.”
The 40-year-old dominatrix, who did not want to reveal her real name, had been seeing around four clients a month until the lockdown.
Now, she only sees one client – a ‘sub’ (submissive male) – who buys her food from the supermarket and drops it off on her doorstep.
“I started staying in one week before the lockdown became official because I am in one of the vulnerable categories as I have asthma and my immune system is compromised.
“Because I live alone, it has been very difficult. Normally people visit me but that has been taken away.”
Her income has dropped and she won’t be able to manage financially for much longer.
“I am self-employed and I don’t have any savings. I have previously applied for Universal Credit but did not qualify so I am hesitant to apply for it now,” she said.
“My income was between £200 and £400 per month with phone line work as well. Since the lockdown started I have earned £100 – that was for a video cam. Other nights I have earned nothing.
“Now that everybody has moved to online working, everyone has had their income watered down.”
Mistress Lagertha, who is single and based near Birmingham, with clients in Bradford and Manchester, is very fond of her clients and counts some as her friends.
“Most of my clients see me on a regular basis and are friends. They are missing my company and, on a physical level, they are not getting their kinks indulged,” she said.
But working online and doing chatlines are not as lucrative as some may think, she says.
“I made 17 dollars from two chats,” she added. “I can also sell videos but I recently found someone had stolen my content and was giving it away for free. In February I earned 95 dollars for videos and now I can only do solo videos.”
Mistress Lagertha had just began to make her name for herself as a dominatrix when the coronavirus crisis arrived.
“It has taken me three years to get to this point. When the lockdown started I had just got back from Spain which was the first holiday paid for by a ‘sub’.”
Since then she has been unable to see regular clients including a man who flies in from Germany, a self-employed carpenter and a businessman.
“Financially, I am OK for four weeks. I will have to make a decision soon whether I can afford to isolate or go back to work as a dominatrix. Some sex workers cannot afford to isolate.”
And, she says, clients are feeling desperate too.
“They are getting desperate (to see me). They are getting pushy. A few have asked to see me. Some still need to get their fix of escapism which I provide them with.
“Doing something over a video camera isn’t enough.”
She added: “In the last week I have had three people contact me and I can tell they are desperate. I am getting messages from people saying they can’t cope and they are struggling.
“People who are single can feel as lonely and as isolated as I feel. Personally, I am missing the contact with a lot of them.
“They help to keep me mentally happy. They are loyal, they are a distraction and they provide friendship. And they help pay my bills.
“What I do is part of who I am. It (lockdown) is almost like having an arm chopped off. I do what I do for the love of it.
“But now I am at the point of begging clients for money. Some have paid for sessions in advance but some cannot afford to pay for sessions as they have had their wages cut.”
UK – The new Netflix documentary Tiger King has given everyone a hot top of conversation and now if you’re a huge fan, here’s how you can turn yourself into a “Tiger Queen” under the sheets
If you’ve found yourself binging on Netflix during the coronavirus pandemic, then you will have heard of the Tiger King documentary.
The series has proven a big talking point – sparking countless memes and conspiracy theories on social media.
And now, Ann Summers has found a way to make the crime documentary a bit more sexy.
Apparently, there’s a way to turn yourself into your very own Tiger Queen in bed.
It’s all about exerting your dominance and leaving your partner purring with delight.
For our sex tip of the week, Daily Star Online and Ann Summers show how to turn yourself into a leader in the bedroom.
Start by investing in an eye mask.
This helps you to exert control over your partner, as their fate is in your hands.
You can tease them while their sight is obstructed and it should heighten their pleasure senses too.
To take things to a new level, you may also want to tie their hands up.
This gives you free rein to explore their body – but make sure you set boundaries with your partner first.
Picking a safe word also ensures that the kinky activities are working well for both parties.
Laura Whittaker, senior manager at Ann Summers, told Daily Star Online: “Recently, we’ve all been gripped by the weird and wild Netflix documentary ‘Tiger King’, giving us all a hot topic of conversation and sparking a whole host of hilarious memes and stories.
“We’ve used the show to inspire our latest tip, helping you turn into a ‘Tiger Queen’ in the bedroom.
“If you’ve never tried being dominant in bed, now could be the perfect time to make sex more kinky.
“As with any form of BDSM, discuss it with a partner first to ensure you’re both comfortable, then feel free to let those claws out for a little passionate scratching, or lick away to tease your restrained partner.
“Try using a Satin and Lace Eye Mask, depriving your partner of their senses and heightening those sensations. Then feel free to lick, claw and tease away – just like your very own queen of the jungle.”
TURKEY/ISTANBUL – “We are not afraid of the coronavirus,” one of the leading members of the underground BDSM community in Istanbul says with sarcasm. This as she cleans her hands with sanitizing gel for the sixth time in an hour.
While everything is being canceled or shut down worldwide due to COVID-19 concerns, this group refuses to put pleasure aside and obey social distancing rules. “We will keep meeting for as long as possible. At least until we are in a total lockdown” was the answer I received when the group allowed me to photograph a meeting and performance in March.
The group meets almost every week –– this time it was in the home of a couple in their late 30s who are community leaders. The gatherings are mostly “master classes” led by experienced members to educate novices. On this night, the attendees learned about melted wax play while watching and participating in a bondage show.
The BDSM community, which started to form in Istanbul a few years ago, consists of approximately 500 members across the city. Using pseudonyms, members mostly connect through Twitter.
Mistress Eva is one of the most in-demand Mistresses in the BDSM world. She writes about the large increase in sign-ups to her BDSM training website during the COVID-19 pandemic.
As quarantines went into place around the world due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, signups on my BDSM training website surged. The first wave came when China went into lockdown in January, but an even larger one arrived when major cities in the U.S. started shutting down.
The world of BDSM, fetishes, and power dynamics are a comfort for many in the best of times. So it isn’t surprising to see people moving toward websites and services such as mine in times where they seek even greater levels of reassurance, understanding, and intimacy.
When news of COVID-19 first hit me I reacted like many of us may have: I thought about my family and my personal safety. I felt an uneasy uncertainty about what was to come. But as my Dominatrix side kicked in, my fetishes for latex hoods, imprisoning others, and mummification (where you literally wrap someone up in different materials like an Egyptian mummy) started to titillate and perhaps distract my mind.
BDSM is made up of many parts that include specific fetishes, such as feet or bondage, and power dynamics like those between a Dominant and submissive. These interests and needs can be considered taboo, and identifying with them tends to already isolate you from everyday society. So when you do find people who accept and appreciate your desires it can lead to heightened levels of shared honesty, understanding, and intimacy. It can create a bond and provide a comforting space where supposed extremes of personality are treasured and maybe even relished within.
Then there are the roles and the comfort that they can provide in and of themselves. Be it Mommy-baby, Mistress-slave or Dominant-submissive—when you choose to subscribe to a specific role it can lead to a sense of liberation. It can offer a chance to leave everyday life behind and step into the surrender that being a “baby” may allow or to embody a sense of control that the role of “Mistress” may require.
In these times, I am seeing my pool of submissives move a little more toward their “baby” sides—embodying a sense of helplessness and rolling around in it. Now, as someone who identifies as a Dominant and Mistress, I attract personalities who seek to offer their vulnerability to me regardless. But what I have seen since quarantines and lockdowns arrived is that a slightly higher need for attention, reassurance, and a sense of protection has come with it. Those who are new to me are spending a lot of time logged in to my BDSM training site, and the dedicated ways that they are completing their courses and tasks is endearing. But among those who I’ve known for longer and on a deeper level, I see how their usual desires have acquired an added intensity, and their need for my support in the events of their lives is elevated. Their particular kinks—be it for latex, anal play, or chastity—haven’t shifted but they’ve had to become more virtually-administered, and I predict that 2021 is going to be quite an exhaustingly pleasurable year for us.
“Among those who I’ve known for longer and on a deeper level, I see how their usual desires have acquired an added intensity, and their need for my support in the events of their lives is elevated.”
Pre-coronavirus I would travel to meet with my inner circle of slaves and submissives each month and we would share two or three days together in cities around the world. We would visit fetish shops, attend BDSM events, and meet up with my network of Dominatrices. I hung on to this routine for as long as I could. But three weeks ago, on my way to such a trip in London, I had to turn around at Singapore’s Changi Airport and return to Bali. They were closing the Indonesian borders to U.K. arrivals and I didn’t want to be barred from where I have come to consider home. But with this I had to leave a slave of mine on their own, already in London, and perched right on the cusp of lockdown. My slave was also there for a work trip, but regardless of that distraction their tone shifted, and despite my efforts for more frequent interaction there was a hint of panic in his voice.
Now this slave is back in their home country—albeit in quarantine, and thankfully his tone has quietened. But that edge and panic soon began to show itself among all of my submissives as my other travel plans came to a standstill and the prospect of us meeting up went on an indefinite hold. My submissives began to reach out through messages with greater frequency, and as the reality of being grounded in Bali took hold I began to devise a strategy for us. I have now started a roster of weekly or fortnightly video calls where we mostly talk about our lives and families, we make plans for once these times are settled, sometimes we swap business crisis-management ideas, and occasionally we play to our kinks. In between these calls I assign them tasks to enliven their quarantines and remind them of us: business shirts and latex chaps during Zoom meetings, YouTube-ing various handwashing techniques, and one slave and I are even about to embark on an academic online course together.
With that being said, I don’t feel too much has changed in our relationships. There may be an extra sense of the unknown but my role as our leader and them as those under my care continues. When these times pass and borders re-open our routines will shift again, perhaps even back to what it was before. I may go back to traveling with my submissives every month, and we may even find ourselves at fetish events among their thousands of attendees. Some may have acquired new kinks for being washed thoroughly or may be embracing a newfound desire for spit as edgeplay.
The initial lockdown may have taken hold of many of us, inspiring an influx of interest in my BDSM training site and a panic among my nearest and dearest. But what has shown itself so far is that the need for connection, intimacy, reassurance, and stability prevails, as always—and BDSM and the nature of the power dynamic that I practice as a Mistress over my submissives seems to provide for this. The times simply make it more obvious.
NEW YORK – Aviva Diamond, 33, has worked as a dominatrix in New York City for more than six years, specializing in slave training, humiliation, foot fetishes and more. But after pivoting to online sessions only, she now finds herself in a bind.
I started getting concerned messages from clients in mid-March as the coronavirus became more of a threat. They were wondering if it was safe to meet for sessions, or if their business trips to New York would even happen.
I’ve now had thousands of dollars of cancellations this month, and I have no physical sessions scheduled for the foreseeable future. A typical week consists of eight to 15 hours of in-person sessions — making up 90 percent of my income — and another 20 to 30 hours of administrative work.
It’s been a challenge for me to make this shift from mostly in-person sex work to exclusively operating online. I am producing more femdom videos, adding content to my online subscription platforms like Onlyfans, promoting and expanding on social media, and offering phone and Skype sessions.
But online sessions and content are sold at a fraction of my rate for physical sessions, so I have to hustle much harder to make less than what I was making before.
And there’s really no substitute for the physical contact of in-person BDSM sessions.
I’m concerned about the long-term economic effects this will have on me. Luxury experiences are one of the first things people stop paying for during a recession, so my work is likely to be jeopardized for many months.
Crystal Cox/Business Insider‘In a global pandemic, policy makers are actively making the world a worse place for sex workers and their families,’ Jacq the Stripper, a New York City-based performer, wrote on Twitter.
The federal government is accepting applications under its Small Business Administration’s Economic Injury Disaster Loan Program, but the application’s strict guidelines bar sex workers.
Some sex workers have spoken against the guidelines, and say they are putting people who rely on in-person contact for income at great health and financial risk during the coronavirus pandemic.
Community-based donation efforts are raising money for sex workers, but the funds still aren’t enough to support those out of work.
Businesses across the country are dealing with financial hardship due to coronavirus-related closures, so the US government is accepting applications under its Small Business Administration’s Economic Injury Disaster Loan Program.
But the application has strict guidelines that bar sex workers like strippers and dominatrixes from even being considered for government financial relief.
In order to apply for aid, applicants must be able to check off a box in the application confirming they don’t put on “live performances of a prurient sexual nature” or sell products or services of “prurient sexual nature.”
Sex workers have spoken out in response to these guidelines.
“In a global pandemic, policy makers are actively making the world a worse place for sex workers and their families,” Jacq the Stripper, a New York City-based performer, wrote on Twitter.
Others have said that their businesses, which often operate through in-person contact at strip clubs, parties, and other locations, have been hit hard financially.
Lady A, a New York City-based dominatrix, told Buzzfeed News she’s losing $US500 every week because of the coronavirus.
“We would usually do, say, three clients per day in that space,” Lady A said. “This last weekend we would usually have been booked, but it was open. So that’s pretty bad.”
Economic policies have long stigmatised sex work
Policies that bar sex workers them from receiving financial aid are nothing new, according to Kate D’Adamo, a sex worker rights advocate and partner at Reframe Health and Justice consulting.
“This is part of a very long legacy of excluding and exceptionalizing the sex trade, denying full participation of folks who are engaged in the sex trade within traditional services and traditional employment,” D’Adamo told Insider, adding that the Small Business Association guidelines “just kind of feel like an extension of that pattern.”
Although D’Adamo hasn’t seen this exemption in previous Small Business Association applications, she said other state and federal policies have been written to financially burden sex workers. Iin Atlanta, Georgia, strippers have to renew yearly licenses to work in strip clubs because they’re considered contractors. But their licensing renewal fees cost more than for employees in other industries, D’Adamo said.
The strict guidelines discriminate sex workers and could make the industry more dangerous.
Without financial stability, sex workers are more likely to experience exploitation, domestic violence, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and lack of access to mental health resources, she said.
“All of those [factors] definitely have a component of ‘Are you able to access your resources?’ Are you now existing in incredible poverty? I think that it’s really important that we recognise this moment and the way that sex workers are being excluded are absolutely creating the conditions of trafficking, exploitation, and violence,” D’Adamo said.
Community relief funds are being used to help sex workers when the government won’t
Since sex workers can’t obtain government financial support like other small businesses, communities have set up various sex-worker relief funds.
Still, these funds aren’t enough to support all sex workers who are currently out of work.
D’Adamo said the way the guidelines are written, they could affect any sex industry workers, including strippers, street sex workers, webcam performers, and in some cases even sex educators, if the government deems their work of “prurient sexual nature.”
Those who don’t have access to technology to take their work online could be disproportionately affected though.
“People who are doing street-based sex work may not be able to stop doing sex work to survive,” Chuck Cloniger, the clinical director at the St. James Infirmary, which provides clinical and social services to sex workers in San Francisco, told Buzzfeed News.
UK – The Pussycat Dolls’ tour may be postponed due to the coronavirus, but that didn’t stop Nicole Scherzinger from teasing fans on Instagram on Wednesday.
The lead singer, 41, posted a throwback clip of herself in a plunging latex bodysuit and military style peaked cap from a photoshoot with the band.
Nicole appeared in her element as she struck a series of sultry poses in the dominatrix costume.
Nicole flashed plenty of cleavage as she went braless in the rubber leotard which cinched in her tiny waist thanks to its corset detailing.
The Don’t Cha hitmaker amped up the sex appeal with thigh-high latex boots, pearl earrings and a matching necklace which drew attention to her ample assets.
Dancing to Kelis’ hit Milkshake, Nicole captioned the racy video with the lyric: ‘I could teach you, but I have to charge’ #PCD.’
The X Factor’s judge’s latest steamy post comes after she and boyfriend Thom Evans shared an energetic dance routine on Monday night after jetting out of London despite the UK coronavirus lockdown.
The songstress and former rugby player, 34, took to Instagram to reveal they had ‘finally’ got viral video app TikTok.
In the TikTok video, the star and Thom shared an energetic and synchronised dance routine to a remixed version of U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer. They captioned it: ‘Well… I finally gave in to @tiktok.’
Nicole showcased her toned figure in a black crop top and figure-hugging leopard print gym leggings, while Thom displayed his ripped torso in a black vest top with shorts.
The fun videos comes after Nicole and Thom were spotted jetting out of London on Saturday despite the UK coronavirus lockdown.
The American singer and former rugby player were pictured outside Gatwick Airport wearing face masks amid the global pandemic.
The Foreign and Commonwealth Office (FCO) has advised that all ‘non-essential’ travel abroad should be avoided until at least April 15.
While last Monday, Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered the immediate closure of all non-essential shops and threatened people with fines or even arrest if they do not ‘stay at home’.
NEW YORK – It was Friday night and MadameNamio, a 26-year-old professional New York City dominatrix, would usually be laying out her flogs and ball gags in preparation for meeting one of her six paying “subs.” But in a pandemic, neither dom nor sub was willing to risk meeting up in person for a night of ritual humiliation. “I’m going crazy,” she told me on the phone. So instead, she opened her laptop, grabbed a few dildos, and prepared to cam.
Like many sex workers (and their clients) right now, Namio is struggling with enforced abstinence. “There’s been a huge drop in demand,” says Molly Simmons, a sex worker and founder of SWOP Brooklyn, an advocacy and support organization for sex workers. “Our source of income is reliant on intimate human contact. We have no social safety net outside of it.” And as for the federal stimulus, for those in the informal economy, it is deeply unstimulating. With much — or sometimes all — of their income under the table, “What are we going to claim unemployment from?” she asks.
Which is where technology comes in. Just as millions of office workers now spend their days in Zoom meetings with colleagues, working from home, anyone can do something like sex work from a safe distance on platforms like OnlyFans. There, users pay a fee, typically between $5 and $20 a month, to subscribe to a steady stream of adult content from their favorite hottie. It’s a bit like following an Instagram set to private, but racier and more interactive. Special requests cost more. OnlyFans takes a 20 percent cut of all transactions.
According to Steve Pym, the head of marketing for OnlyFans, traffic has spiked as people are forced to quarantine. “Everyone’s camming now,” says Devon M, 36, a male escort in Manhattan.
For sex workers like Namio, camming is a lifeline. But many sex workers who were not already doing digital shows are being left behind. “It’s a completely different skill set,” explains Simmons. Many sex workers “might not have access to a computer or a camera.” And it takes some getting used to. “Right now, I’m working on a quarantine video, like, ‘You’re in quarantine. The only thing you can eat is my ass.’ But it’s really hard to get the shot of my ass,” complains Namio. “I have to keep checking my phone to make sure I got it, which is time consuming and annoying.”
Meanwhile, there’s the question of how to get clients. “There’s a whole new aspect of branding and marketing needed,” says Simmons. A well-tended PG-rated free Instagram with lots of followers can help drive traffic to OnlyFans pages, for example. Which means catching up to established cammers who already have a following.
Camming is its own economy. Some people who are big on camming are also escorts and use it as a form of advertising for new clients (porn acting, which doesn’t pay what it once did because of the internet, works the same way.) Others are not in-person sex workers at all; the barrier to entry for many who do it on the side is relatively low. According to Pym, with more people at home with time on their hands, sign-ups are way up: There has been a 40 percent jump in new “content creators” between March 1, when the first COVID-19 patient in New York was announced, and March 27.
Which means competition is more fierce as other now-unemployed workers are turning to camming as a last resort. “I just helped a friend set up her account,” says Devon M. “She’s a hairdresser, a perfect southern girl, and mother of two who never thought she’d do this.” (“There’s something for everybody,” he says, plus “I get a referral link.”)
Not everyone is happy with the camming boom. Not only is their work “already devalued,” according to 30-year-old Brooklyn-based sex worker Fera Lorde, but it’s easily recorded and reposted. According to SX Noir, host of the sex podcast Thot Leader, camming operates the same way that everything else does in the digital word: The person who owns the platform takes a big percentage. “The white male who owns the company is getting a lot more than they should.”
Butfor those who can’t make the pivot to camming — or can’t make enough money at it to survive — there are still johns willing to risk it. And force them to do things that are risky. Fera Lorde says she’s noticed “a rise in predatory behavior … clients who are pushing unsafe practices like non-barrier contact for a fraction of our advertised rates. The motherfuckers are starting to come out of the woodwork.”
USA – IOWA – Uberkinky’s Periodic Table of Kinks has 151 blocks and is equally important as — if not more than, in my opinion — the Table of Elements. Various kinks are sorted into 12 categories, including torture, restraint, role play, butt stuff and vanilla. Everything from tickling to poop play is represented.
Mom, Dad, tread lightly with this one.
Kinks — sexual desires attached to specific objects, acts or body parts that aren’t necessarily sexual in and of themselves — tend to be taboo at the dinner table, but they’re more common than you might think. The Journal of Sex Research found one in three people have experimented with paraphilia, or unusual sexual interests, at some point in their lives. A 2016 UK survey indicated as many as 75 percent of people harbor a fetish.
Probably the most prevalent and certainly well-known kink is BDSM. The acronym is up for debate, but generally refers to erotic bondage, discipline, dominance/submission and sadomasochism. Riding crops, handcuffs, ball gags, harnesses and black leather garments are BDSM tools as well as part of the subculture’s aesthetic.
The organized kink/BDSM community in Iowa is small, but it exists. Iowa Leather Weekend, which takes place in October, is an all-out kinky bonanza, including a vendor market, entertainment pieces and a contest in which participants compete for four Iowa Leather titles: Ms., Mr., Bear and Pet. These titleholders go on to wave the leather pride flag (black-and-blue-striped, with one white stripe cutting the center and a red heart in the upper left corner) around the state, including at the Iowa City Pride Festival.
Bettie Rage, Ms. Iowa Leather 2020, has been in the scene for 20 years. Starting her journey in Minneapolis, she jumped feet first into the leather community after becoming fascinated with the power dynamics between submissive men and dominant women.
“When I was 21, I had a friend who brought me to a bar called Ground Zero in Minnesota, and on the weekends, they have a bondage and go-go night,” Rage said. “As soon as I walked in I had a man crawl up to me on his hands and knees and another man asked to kiss my boots. I was there every weekend after that.”
Becoming Ms. Iowa Leather is no joke. Contestants submit a resume and, if picked, undergo an audition before a panel of judges. The audition consists of a private interview with the judges, a speech, a question and a five-minute fantasy scene performed on stage.
For Boy Chris, the Mr. Iowa Leather 2020 titleholder, Leather Weekend is also a good way to discover more about certain kinks. Educational panels present people an opportunity to learn safe sex practices in a welcoming environment. Because their kink can involve intricate skills, like knot-tying, and negotiated relationships, such as that between a dom and a sub, communication and consent are tanned into the leather of BDSM culture.
“We pull in people from all over to watch the contest, and we do educational things,” Chris said. “We educate on various kinks, promoting inclusivity. We want everyone to come — our trans boys, sisters, drag queens, twinks, bears and pups. The pet scene has really exploded so we want to be all-inclusive and welcoming.”
Pet play “is a subculture within our community that allows people to let go and feel comfortable in social scenes,” Chris explained. While people with a pet kink often get off on playing the role of a submissive puppy, including wearing a collar, leash or muzzle, others prefer to portray cats, or other animals “that capture their personality.”
The list of domination-, pain- and restraint-related kinks is virtually endless, including such niche interests as cuckolding and “human furniture” (which is pretty much exactly what you think it is). To signal which kink they’re into at meetups, people put various coded items, often colored handkerchiefs, in their back pocket. A red handkerchief indicates an interest in fisting, yellow for “water sports,” hunter green for daddy play, black for BDSM and so on and so forth.
“There are plastic forks you can put in your back pocket — that just means you’re looking for dinner — and another is a sweatband which means
you’re looking for wrasslin’ fun,” said Rage, explaining the most unique back-pocket tokens she’s seen.
Rage understands how difficult it can be to overcome the fear of outing oneself as a BDSM enthusiast, particularly as a woman in a predominantly male scene. Before becoming Ms. Iowa Leather, she established a kink and coffee group at Smokey Row in Des Moines for female-identifying and nonbinary folk to have a safe space to talk all things kink without male-identifying people around.
“Running for title was important to me because there are so many spaces that are still men-only spaces [where] women and trans folks aren’t necessarily welcome,” she said. “I wanted to win this title to be a presence in the women’s community and to change things.”
The Iowa Leather title family has recently broadened its outreach, offering monthly Think Kink classes at the Blazing Saddle in Des Moines, open to anyone 18 or older. Held on the second Tuesday of every month and spanning six months, the lessons are designed for both beginner and experienced kinksters.
“The first one was consent and the next one [on Feb. 11] will be about impact play,” Chris explained. “In that topic it’s about, how do you do those things without hurting, and then teaching what consent you need to think about when using a cane to hit someone.”
Iowa Leather will also expand beyond Des Moines metro, hosting a Sash Bash at Studio 13 in Iowa City March 6-8, and an event in Waterloo at Kings and Queens Club the first weekend in April.
I felt very comfortable interviewing Rage and Chris, and told them so. As a closeted kinky queer, being sex-forward is something I crave but haven’t acted on, held back by trauma and boys who don’t respond to my 2 a.m. booty call. The Iowa Leather titleholders reassured me that the community is open to anyone, regardless of if they’re having sex or not. There’s no pressure to be anything in a place largely written off as “bad” or “perverted,” a few negative stereotypes unfairly hurled their way. Once you overcome what society has conditioned you to believe is bad, you start living.
“People have kinks. Gay, straight, nonbinary, whatever people want to identify as, they have kinks,” Chris said. “We just want to reach out and let people know they’re not alone. My title family is living our best lives and showing people you can have fun and still be an adult.”
Meggie Gates is a comedian and writer from Cedar Rapids, based in Chicago, Illinois. They write for the Chicago Reader, Consequence of Sound, Reductress and a variety of other places, including, of course, Little Village, located in their favorite city in the world. They enjoy comic books and hate sand between their toes. This article was originally published in Little Village issue 278.
BDSM, short for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism, is a consensual sexual dynamic in which people play with power through different sexual acts.
While classic representations of BDSM often feature dominatrixes and submissive leather-clad men, BDSM is an umbrella term that covers a numbers of kinks and fetishes.
People engaging in BDSM have been framed as freaks, deviants, and sexually perverted in movies like “Secretary” and shows like “Nip/Tuck.”
Here are 4 common myths about BDSM. according to two kink specialists.
The acronym “BDSM” conjures images of leather-clad dominatrixes in high heeled boots hitting submissive men with a whip might to mind. That, or the erotic novel turned movie franchise “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
But BDSM, or bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism, is more complicated than that.
From choking (“breath play”) to being tied up (“rigging”) to being hit with different items (“impact pay”), BDSM can refer to a number of kinks and fetishes. But at their root, sexual acts that fall under the BDSM all have one thing in common.
“It’s really about consensual role-play and power exchange,” said Phillip Hammack, professor of psychology at University of California Santa Cruz,.
Despite BDSM being a consensual sexual dynamic between adults, it has been stigmatized over the years, with people who engage in kink and fetish sex often framed as freaks or sexual deviants.
Here are four of the biggest myths about BDSM, according to two kink experts.
Myth: People who like BDSM are sexual deviants and freaks.
Whether they’re the butt of the joke on shows like “Skins” or openly condemned by the general public, people who engage in BDSM, kink, and fetish sex have historically been seen as weird or grotesque.
“People will say that BDSM and kink is relegated to those that are deviant,” Veronica Chin Hing, psychotherapist and sexologist with NYC Therapy + Wellness, told Indier.
But there’s no mental health condition, life experience, or unified reason for people wanting to engage in BDSM. According to Hammack, people are attracted to fetish and kink for a number of reasons, so trying to create a set list of reasons for liking BDSM is pointless.
“As psychologists, we’ve moved away from thinking about these kinds of practices or relationships as indicators of abnormality or disorder and more towards the recognition that this is a form of intimate diversity,” Hammack said.
An attraction to kink is common. According to Smithsonian Magazine, 36% of people in the US use some kind of bondage tools in bed and 65% of US university students fantasize about being restrained during sex – a number which doesn’t account for people interested in other elements of BDSM.
According to Hammack, who conducts nation-wide and international studies on BDSM, kink, and sex, a majority of people who report enjoying and engaging in BDSM don’t bring up traumatic experiences in their past as reasons for engaging in the practice.
And while there are people who have gone through trauma in BDSM communities (like any community), engaging in fetish sex can be a way to help people heal “by reclaiming power within a dynamic,” Hammack said.
BDSM sexual and lifestyle practices very greatly beyond the dominatrix and submissive dynamic, including humiliation (being mocked by degrading language), electroplay (being shocked by an electrical source), and gagging.
One subculture that have emerged over the last 20 years is known as pup play, in which one person typically role plays as a dog, dressing in a mask, collar, and leash, and the other acts as the dog’s owner.
Hammack said pup play emerged in part out of the gay men’s BDSM leather scene to provide a softer introduction to BDSM for younger men curious about the community.
“It’s a very kind of nurturing form of doing domination and submission, because if you think about the relationship between a dog owner and their pet is very sweet and affectionate,” Hammack said.
According to Hammack, the rise of online communities has made it possible for these different subcommunities to form.
“Especially thanks to social media, there’s been just this explosion of different kinds of kink, fetish subcultures,” Hammack said.
Myth: BDSM is just about sex.
While sexual dynamics are oftentimes between two people, people who engage in BDSM or fetish sex can form larger communities of support – making their sexual practices go beyond sex.
“The important thing is that people are fundamentally playing with power, they’re doing it with consent and in the process, they’re not only making meaning within these relationships and dynamics but sometimes within a larger group,” Hammack said.
USA – Financial domination, an erotic form of humiliation that involves a subordinate losing control of their wallet to the dominant, has been getting a lot of airtime in the past few years. However, despite findom’s empowered rhetoric and glamorous reputation, it can also be a somewhat difficult subset of sex work to break into — and that’s what Mistress Marley is trying to fix.
An NYC-based dominatrix with a client roster that includes “a 19-year-old kid in college who can only tribute $50 a month to a wealthy guy on Wall Street who can contribute a $1000,” Marley has subs across the board that do everything from pay her bills to send her gifts — which, on paper, can only be described as a dream job. That said, as a Black woman who started off without any guidance, she says getting to this point was a trying journey in and of itself.
After losing her job in 2017, Marley began looking into ways to “make money as a woman online using your sexuality.” Because while she had been a stripper before, this time around she was looking to control her work hours from the comfort of her own home — something that eventually led her to Twitter’s findom community.
“The biggest difference between findomming and other forms of sex work is that you don’t have to really be in physical contact with anyone,” she says. “Doing that in the safety of your home, branding and marketing it, being able to do your safety screening on your own. This form of sex work gives you more control.”
However, Marley adds that breaking into this particular line of work proved to be somewhat of a challenge. Starting without a mentor, Marley researched and studied what others were doing for almost half a year before even deciding to make a Twitter for herself — though the initial pushback she received from other findommes was, at times, discouraging.
“There were times when I’d go into other dommes’ inboxes, and they’d give me the cold shoulder, ignore me, or be rude,” she says. “They were like, I had to figure it out myself, because they figured it out themselves.”
Partially inspired by her own experience, Marley decided to create the Black Domme Sorority this past July. A “safe space for Black and Afro-Latina women to come together,” the 1,000 member strong organization allows newbies and veterans alike the ability to chat with each other and attend classes taught by Marley across the country. After all, as Marley says, within a space where many of the most visible players are white women, the importance of helping other women of color — who often “have to work harder, especially in terms of content and marketing and branding ourselves” — can’t be understated.
“There are a lot of Black women out there that can find complete financial freedom doing kinks like this, and there’s a market for it,” Marley says. She emphasizes the benefits of visibility, especially when talking about introducing other women to the subset of findom that revolves around reparations, Black female supremacy, and power-reversal play that sees white subs “living to serve us.” However, as she points out, given that even “talking about kink and fetish is still very taboo within the Black community,” she wanted the Black Domme Sorority to exist as a way of educating aspiring Black and Afro-Latina dommes.
“We don’t have that help,” she says. “But once people see someone who looks like them doing it, they’re more motivated to try.”
Above all though, she says the organization is meant to act as a support network for its members, whether that comes in the form of providing job opportunities for each other, creating emergency funds for sisters in need, or sharing essential industry-specific information — especially in a post-FOSTA/SESTA landscape. From teaching women about protecting their social media accounts from deletion to tips about dealing with banking institutions, the educational scope of the sorority is far-reaching, especially as findom has become much more visible.
While there’s something to be said about its increasing pop cultural presence, Marley admits that there are a lot of fundamental misunderstandings about findom still floating around. Reiterating that findommes don’t necessarily need to meet up or ever touch a client, she goes on to detail her annoyance with the idea that findomming as a concept is exploitative — even though pro findommes will never ask their subs for money.
“With the findom community, it is a bragging game,” she says, explaining that many findommes post their tributes as it encourages other subs to donate. “But when some people see all these big tributes coming in, they’re like, ‘Oh, you guys are just taking someone’s money. They’re not going to have any money for themselves.’ That’s not true.”
As Marley points out, most of the subs coming into the scene know that they won’t get anything, even something as small as a picture, in return. “But that’s part of their kink and why they like it,” she says, calling it a power-reversal “fantasy.” But it’s up to the sub themselves to know their financial limits when it comes to their tributes.
“If you have a sub that’s like, ‘Oh my God, Goddess, I don’t have any money, you’re taking all my money, that’s just part of the fantasy,” she continues. “The misconception that we are taking people’s money and being completely selfish and not caring if they have anything to spend is just wrong.”
Despite the negativity, Marley is still enamored with her job, as it allows her to “connect with so many different people and help them fulfill a fantasy, all while getting paid and feeling safe.” In fact, she sees findomming — as well as her advocation and education of other Black findommes — as a long-lasting career move.
“My goal is to open up a BDSM dungeon for Black and Afro-Latina women,” Marley says. “We do have dungeons [in NYC], but they’re very white-centric, so my goal is to have a safe space for us. And if that safe space can be funded by my findomming, well, that would just be amazing.”
Welcome to “Sex with Sandra,” a column by Sandra Song about the ever-changing face of sexuality. Whether it be spotlight features on sex work activists, deep dives into hyper-niche fetishes, or overviews on current legislation and policy, “Sex with Sandra” is dedicated to examining some of the biggest sex-related discussions happening on the Internet right now.
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