UK – DESIREE Burch, the voiceover star of Netflix’s latest binge-worthy reality series Too Hot To Handle, used to work as a dominatrix while still a virgin.
The comedian has previously appeared on British panel shows including Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, and The Mash Report.
But in a 2018 interview opened on her past work as a sex worker which she said she fell into to “figure out more about men.
“I was trying to figure out how I could become more sexualised,” she told Metro newspaper.
“I found men frightening. I thought if I could do this, I could figure out more about men and their desires.
“I was an overachieving kid and if I ever wanted to learn about something I’d read a book until I felt comfortable enough doing it, so this was my equivalent of reading a book — about how to be sexual.”
She also told Jonathan Ross in a May 2019 interview that she was “paid to beat guys up like every woman wants” while she was still a virgin.
“That was a way to make money like many of the amazing women I worked with…they were in school, they were actors, or they were doing other things, they were nurses,” she said.
“They were like, ‘Oh, yeah, I can also actually make money by doing this thing that usually a lot of women have to do for no money.'”
Netflix unleashed the brand new dating show which has everyone hooked, last week.
If you’re wondering to watch on Netflix next, can we please reassure you that the answer is: Too Hot To Handle. The reality show sees 10 hot young (and ‘horny’) singles put on an island for what they think is going to be the most exotic and erotic summer of their lives. Except, shortly after they arrive, they’re told they’re not allowed to touch each other (or themselves) ‘romantically’ for the entire time, if they want to win the $100,000 prize. Amazingly, every time someone ‘rebels’, money is knocked off the prize total. So obviously, that’s brilliant television.
Throughout it all, saying what we’re all thinking, and making us laugh is narrator, Desiree Burch. The comedian, originally from LA, moved to London and is now a recognisable face for anyone who has watched UK TV shows like Live At The Apollo and Mock The Week. Not only is she funny as hell, but her experiences in her pre-comedy life as a sex worker (which she discussed in her 2017 comedy special, Unfuckable) make her the perfect candidate to navigate the, er, ins and outs of the sexual politics playing out on screen.
We caught up with Desiree for a very in-depth chat about all things Too Hot To Handle – the interview doesn’t contain spoilers per se, but does touch on things that happen in the first few episodes.
There’s a lot of television available right now – what would you say to encourage people to choose Too Hot To Hande?
Well it’s a new one – most of the world has finished Netflix, so it’s new! For those who both enjoy the young single reality genre, and those who don’t, there’s a lot to offer in terms of the unfolding humanity of these lovely very young and very attractive and seemingly oblivious people. It starts to become arresting as they learn a bit more about their humanity.
Did you have fun with all the sex puns?
I would come in and the producers and writers would have a script and then I would maybe add my own twist or be like, ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to say because I’m American and all the production team is British’. So sometimes it would be that cultural translation thing. And also it’s about how do we say this without being reductive or sexist or an asshole. It was an interesting look at how we talk about these things.
Do you think that, having done sex work, you brought an element of sex-positivity to the show? Even though the show is about abstaining, these are people who are very highly sexed and open about that…
Obviously I have done sex work and when we get to the part where it’s about Shibari and all the restraints and stuff, the producer was like, ‘OK, so you know how to pronounce it?’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve had some experience.’ But it was cool they even had those workshops because it is a different way to learn about engagement and sexuality and enticement without actually consummating the act. There’s a lot to be explored rather than, literally, the ins and outs of sex. Like if you say you’ve had good sex, that could mean a lot of different things, some of it is about the aftercare or connection or intensity – some of it is just about the acrobatics. Most of us probably had a lot more sex in our 20s but had a lot better sex as we learned what we liked and what it means to really connect with someone, which takes some experience and wisdom and self knowledge. So I’m happy to bring that positivity to it, because I watched these people discovering that. It’s really beautiful and it’s not really a window we get to have into other people or ourselves.
Which characters did you love. We’re kind of fascinated, for many reasons, by Matthew…
Yes, Jesus! It’s so funny because all of these people slowly reveal who they are to you, like Matthew comes in in his sweatpants and then takes it all off and you’re like, ‘Holy crap!’ I also love the dynamic of him and Kelz [trying to find out who kissed and lost them $3,000]. I totally understand that point of view that’s like, ‘OK, all this is cute… but you’re cutting into my cash right now’. I get both the, ‘Oh this is hard to resist’ but also the ’Let’s play the game, because we’re in Mexico or wherever shooting this thing and it’s a fun holiday, but we’re giving time in our lives and exposing ourselves, so let’s walk away with some money.’ I’m surprised they didn’t have more explosive blow-ups. Chloe I find hilarious. Just the way she expresses these things. Like when she says, [in an Essex accent] ‘Animosity’ like, ‘I did a smart.’ And Kelz has side-eye reactions that would crack me up and David just like… he led with a butt massage. Dude, who does that? I’d never met any of them, but they’re so engaging and funny. Like when Sharron is like, ‘I’ve been through so much,’ and you’re like, ‘Mate you’re 20-nothing you’ve been through four things and I understand they are massive in your life, but…’ It’s just really cute.
I mean, when Bryce comes in and says has sex with a new person EVERY DAY…
Oh my GOD! I was losing it when Bryce was introduced. Can’t you just imagine him in 1977 with a Hawaiian shirt on and a gold chain? And it’s beautiful to watch as the show goes on, where that protective, uber-masculine identity comes from. Clearly he’s got a very bruised self-esteem and ego that compels him to find another woman to come onto a boat and have sex with him. If you’re having sex with someone every day, you’re not remembering names, it’s not about connection – it’s about filling a void. And for someone to go through a process of recognising that, by having to abstain and sit with what is compelling you to do that, I think it’s really powerful for people to watch. But yeah, he’s hilarious. The keyboard? There’s so much going on. Where is this inflated ego coming from?
Do you really think that by abstaining from sex and touch, the contestants are really learning something?
I think so. It takes a while to learn a lesson – typically as a human being we have to learn a lesson over and over like 25 times for it to change us, so this might be just the first couple of seeds planted for people. But I think any time we abstain from a reaction to something – because sometimes sex is a reaction, like I need a release – and any time you take a moment to slow it down, or you stop and sit with those feelings, you learn something about what is driving and motivating that. A lot of us right now – not to make any comparisons, it’s a different thing to be on an island to make lots of money – but I think a lot of us are discovering we do turn to food or drink or sex or work as a way to lose part of ourselves and that at some point we are all forced either by a challenge like this, or circumstances beyond out control, to not jump into that thing. And having to sit longer with the frustration of that is a very important lesson. It’s like what they talk about in meditation and yoga – feel the annoyance, feel the itch and then don’t respond and by doing so, you do learn something. It takes a lot of practice, but the beginning of that awareness and perception is a massive paradigm shift for most of us.
USA/JAPAN – On the Netflix reality dating show Too Hot to Handle, conventionally attractive contestants are challenged to form deeper emotional bonds with romantic partners without immediately hopping into bed together. In order to help them learn that lesson, the show puts contestants through various workshops—one of which is Shibari, or Japanese rope bondage. The goal of the Shibari exercise was to help contestants become more vulnerable and trusting with each other.
But what is Shibari, and how can it potentially help you bond with your partner? We spoke to two Shibari experts to find out: Midori, a sexologist, educator, and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage; and Kitty Killin, a Shibari artist and instructor.
What exactly is Shibari?
Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, Midori explains. Sometimes it’s also called Kinbaku or Japanese bondage.
Shibari literally translates to “to tie” or “to bind,” Kitty adds: “It refers to intricate and beautiful knots and patterns used to restrain and give sensation to the body.”
What’s the history of Shibari?
The visual imagery dates back to how prisoners and criminals were restrained in Japan during the medieval and Edo periods (1200s CE to late 1800 CE), Midori says. “This fed the darker erotic imagination of kinky Japanese people, much in the same way that European medieval prison tools inspired Western BDSM—think crosses, manacles, and chastity devices.”
Binding would also appear in specialty porn, other imagery, and underground adult entertainment venues in Japan. In World War II, some American soldiers saw Shibari and surreptitiously brought it back to the United States, Midori says. Cut to the ’90s, and it was all over the Internet. “Today, it’s developed into a 21st-century form of pleasure craft,” she says.
Shibari terminology to know:
There are certain common terms and phrases for Shibari practitioners. Kitty provided a list of some words that are commonly used:
Rigger/Rope Top: The person doing the tying.
Rope Bottom/Bunny: The person being tied.
Floor Tie: Rope work that is done exclusively on the floor.
Suspension: An advanced form of Shibari that includes lifting the body off the floor using only ropes.
Self-tie: When a person ties themself.
Midori adds that it’s important to have mutual “safe words” or “safe signals.” “These are words or signals to indicate that either one of you wants to change what’s happening,” she says. Many people tend to use the traffic light—green for keep going; yellow for I’m reaching my limit; and red for stop at once—but Midori encourages you to come up with the safe words that work best for you.
What’s the appeal of Shibari?
There are various reasons why someone may enjoy Shibari. “It may have to do with the feeling of letting go of control—or the feeling of surrendering during sex,” says Midori.
Some folks like the tactile sensation of the soft (or rough) rope against their skin. It can feel like a comforting, tight hug, Midori explains. It can also be a great addition to dominance and submission fantasy play. For some, “It can heighten sexual sensations and orgasms because of body position changes and muscle contractions,” Midori adds.
Something that particularly draws Kitty to Shibari is the intimacy it creates between her and the other person. “As a rigger, I can create a whole range of experiences for my bottom depending on what they desire,” she says. “Often the feeling desired is simply to be restrained, but sometimes it’s to feel beautiful, to feel shame, to feel sexy, to feel pain, and so on.” A rigger can create those feelings for someone with just their ropes.
How can it strengthen your relationship with your partner?
Just doing Shibari alone won’t automatically strengthen your relationship with your partner, says Midori. “But the communication required to plan it before, enjoy it during, and savor it after can strengthen a relationship,” she says, noting that this is also true for any BDSM play.
Kitty adds, “Shibari is a tool to learn about your partner’s body, to build trust between you and your partner, and to discover new and exciting intimacy.”
What’s something that the average person may get wrong about Shibari?
“Shibari is not inherently sexual,” explains Kitty. It’s not exclusively for dominatrixes, dungeons, and sexy bedroom bondage. “Many practice it as a form of meditation, as a tool to create connection and intimacy with a partner, or simply enjoy it because it’s beautiful,” she says. Nevertheless, Shibari can be used to spice things up in the bedroom or to add to your kinky repertoire, but the two don’t have to exist together.
Midori notes that some people think that all men top and all women bottom. “The reality is that people of all genders enjoy being tied up and tying up their lovers,” she says.
Where can I learn more about Shibari?
TwistedMonk is an exceptional rope vendor; it has free videos on their site that will get you started, says Midori. Kitty recommends Shibari Study, which is an online, subscription-based, anthology of classes and tutorials for all levels, taught by internationally renowned Shibari experts. You can also read, Midori’s book, Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. There are even conferences, such as Rope Craft, where people come together to learn about Shibari and socialize.
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