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Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a guy who is into BDSM. The problem is that I’ve had a number of women bail on me when they find out. Is there some way I can slowly introduce a partner to my world, or should I restrict myself to seeking someone within the bondage circles?

—Frequently Ghosted

Dear Frequently Ghosted,

I’m getting the sense from your letter that you might be approaching dating as finding someone to fill a role, rather than getting to know an individual and sharing yourself with them, which might be where your main issue is occurring, especially if your dates are picking up on this. There’s no single solution here that works for all women. If “into BDSM” means that some part of that span of sexual practices is crucial to your fulfillment, this can absolutely be a tough and frustrating situation. In that case, you probably will have an easier time finding a partner who understands how important those practices are to you within the BDSM community, whether that’s at clubs and meetups or through online dating platforms that cater to kinksters. Do keep in mind that you’ll still encounter rejection, either because your kinks don’t match with theirs or because of some other incompatibility between the two of you.

I’m also wondering whether you’re pitching your proclivities in a way that’s similar to how you wrote your question, by which I mean briefly and with no detail about what you mean by BDSM. For people who know nothing about the whole category of sexuality aside from having seen a short article about Fifty Shades of Grey, that leaves a whole lot of space for them to imagine the most challenging scenario. And for women who do have some experience in BDSM, any signals from you that you feel some conflict or shame about those desires telegraph that they’re going to have to do some major emotional support for at least some period of time. This is within a context where women have been tasked with emotional caretaking their whole lives, so most are wary of taking on the job of untrained kink therapist in addition to all their other tasks and the general responsibilities of being in a relationship.

Work toward a deeper understanding of what you want, and a capacity to articulate that. It sounds like you enjoy bondage. Which end of binding do you like to be on? Or are you simply thrilled by the presence of ropes, no matter who they’re wrapped around? Is your use of the word “bondage” a red herring? In that case, bondage-focused events might not be the place for you to search for a partner, and you’ll be better off with something more tailored to your actual preferences. Regardless of where you’re meeting potential partners, use precise language to describe what you need and enjoy, and pay attention when they describe their own desires. This isn’t about finding a perfect script or conversational algorithm so much as it’s about finding where the two of you might overlap in your interests.

Dear How to Do It, 

I have a problem that often leaves me humiliated when I have sex: Air gets trapped in my vagina and makes farting sounds. Is there anything I can do to prevent this?

—Seeking Silence

Dear Seeking Silence,

Keep track of which positions allow air to enter your vagina, and try to avoid them. During penis-in-vagina penetration, rear-entry positions (otherwise known as “doggy”) are usually the culprit here, but anything that combines an upwardly arched lower back with a sensation of opening in your genitals can tend to create the conditions for queefing. During manual stimulation (also called “digital stimulation” or “fingering”), air might also get pushed in or be allowed to enter by the fingers being spread. Try to notice whether you’re doing anything with your lower abdomen that might actually be sucking air in, too. For instance, are you doing anything with your rectus abdominus that might be described as “up and away from your belly button”?

Meanwhile, it’s worth a visit to a pelvic floor specialist to check your pelvic floor. If those muscles are weak, the specialist can teach you exercises, which may solve your issue. Even if your pelvic floor is toned and tight, they may be able to help you troubleshoot what’s happening in a more hands-on manner. Regardless, the more information you have about how your body is positioned and is moving when this occurs, the better you’ll be able to answer any questions the specialist might have.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 48-year-old woman who is engaged to a wonderful 59-year-old man. We are very much in love and share a passionate sex life. At first, we were intimate up to five times a day. Sadly, almost immediately after meeting him, I began suffering from nonstop infections. We’ve both been cleared of STIs, but I’ve endured recurring UTIs and bacterial vaginosis. I’ve tried everything doctors prescribed: methenamine hippurate, boric acid suppositories, pelvic floor exercises, D-mannose, and multiple antibiotics. Nothing breaks the cycle.

We abstain for weeks at a time, but almost as soon as we resume intercourse, the infections return. My partner is scrupulously hygienic and has even undergone treatment himself, but the problem persists. I’ve had a hysterectomy (ovaries intact, not in menopause) and occasional pelvic floor issues post-surgery, though doctors can’t say whether that contributes. My uro-gynecologist has run out of ideas.

We love each other deeply, but we’re climbing the walls with frustration. Alternatives exist, but what we miss most is the intimacy of sex itself. I feel far too young to give up on this part of life. Please, is there anything left we haven’t tried?

—Desperate for Intimacy

Dear Desperate for Intimacy,

First—and I’m genuinely sorry to ask this question because I strongly suspect the answer is “yes,” but it still needs to be asked—did you try each of the medical suggestions for long enough? And, assuming that your partner undergoing treatment meant him also taking antibiotics, did the two of you abstain from fluid exchange during the entire course of medication? And did you both test afterward to make sure the microorganism in question was actually eradicated? I’m also assuming that your gynecologist checked for the various strains of mycoplasma and ureaplasma, which aren’t on the standard STD panels but can cause the kind of issue you’re describing. Again, I’m inclined to assume you followed all the instructions to a letter, but since you’re exasperated by having run out of options, it makes sense to be thorough.

Have the two of you tried using condoms, and have the problems continued when using them? We usually think of condoms for preventing pregnancy (not a concern, in your case) and to reduce the transmission of STIs (something both of you have been fully screened for). Sometimes, though, for reasons still unknown to us, a woman’s genitals have a hard time with a particular penis-having partner. Sometimes the body adapts, and other times it does not. It sounds like you’re in the latter category. Regardless, there are condom options made from all sorts of materials, and it’s worth trying a few different kinds. No, your respective experiences won’t be the same as going bare, but experiencing slightly less sensation is arguably worth being able to have sex at all.

Speaking of adapting, or not—five rounds of sex in a day might be the problem. If the pattern since you first started having sex with each other is one of pain, abstinence, and a return to spending half the day engaged in penetration, you might try pacing yourselves to see whether that solves the issue. Presuming that’s the case, you can increase the amount of sex you’re having and find what your body’s current limit is. Find other ways to express your passion, focusing on acts that let off some steam or stoke your desire for each other, as you prefer.

Meanwhile, even though your issues started when the two of you hooked up, do consider anything else that might have changed: your laundry detergent, daily underwear, workout routine, diet, or the water you’re bathing in or the soap you’re using. It’s a stretch, but it’s possible that there’s an additional factor, and finding it could (maybe, hopefully) help reduce the frequency of UTIs and BV.

—Jessica