“Expectations, Disappointment and the Art of Surrender” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah .
Source: BDSMforYou.nl (In Dutch)
NETHERLANDS – Many people prepare a BDSM session down to the last detail. They figure out what they want to do, which toys they will use, how the dynamics will unfold, and even how it should end. And while preparation is a good thing in itself – especially when it comes to safety and hygiene – planning too much can actually have the opposite effect. It takes you out of the moment.
I almost never plan anything in advance myself. Of course, I think about safety, boundaries, and equipment, perhaps even a few broad outlines, but the actual realization of the game emerges in the moment. I dive into the energy of what happens between me and the sub. Because that is where the magic lives. No scenario, however carefully thought out, can match the power of authenticity.
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The illusion of control
We often think that planning provides certainty. But BDSM is not a play; it is an encounter between two people with emotions, stimuli, and energy. No session unfolds exactly as you expect. Sometimes the tension lifts you to unprecedented heights, other times it just doesn’t seem to click. Perhaps the sub feels different than usual, or perhaps you notice that you are less immersed in it yourself.
And that is okay. That is part of genuine connection. Expectations are the biggest saboteur of experience. Because the moment you cling to an image of how something “should” be, you shut yourself off from what is actually happening.
When things go wrong
BDSM is never without risk. No matter how well prepared you are, no matter how pure your intentions may be – something can always go wrong. A wrong move, an emotional reaction, physical discomfort, an unintended word that triggers something. It is part of the experience.
The most important thing is not that things never go wrong, but how you handle it when they do. Stay calm, stop where necessary, provide connection and reassurance. Talk. Explain what happened. Offer safety. And don’t forget that mistakes or unexpected moments are not failures, but valuable lessons. They show that you are human. It is not failure, it is reality. And it is precisely in that reality that trust grows.
Regain and heal
After a moment that didn’t go quite as hoped, it is important to give both yourself and the other person space. Don’t immediately start analyzing, but restore contact, whether physical or emotional. Often, it helps to be silent for a moment, to touch each other, or conversely, to take some distance.
Later, you can look back together: what happened, what did it evoke, what do we learn from this? In this way, even a “failed” session becomes a step that deepens your bond. And don’t let the disappointment become too great. No one plays perfectly. It is precisely in the moments of friction that the human side of BDSM lies. And that is at least as valuable as the perfect flow.
Expectations of the sub
For submissives, this is perhaps even more important. Many subs build tension by creating fantasies and scenarios in their heads. That is understandable, but it can also work against them. After all, the higher the expectation, the greater the chance that reality will feel different. And then disappointment is lurking.
A sub who enters a session with openness and an uninhibited attitude gives themselves and the Dominant the space to create what feels right in that moment . Not what was planned, but what is truly there. That requires trust – and it is precisely that trust that makes the experience so intense.
The power of the moment
The most beautiful sessions arise not from planning, but from energy. From feeling, responding, listening, breathing. When you, as a Dominant, dare to trust your intuition, and, as a sub, dare to let go of what you thought you wanted, something emerges that you could never have imagined.
BDSM, in its purest form, is a dance between control and surrender. And in every dance, you stumble sometimes. That makes it human. It is not about never falling out of step, but about continuing to feel, continuing to connect, and finding the rhythm together again.
Need a little support?
Do you have a desire for a BDSM experience as a Dominant or submissive and would you like to talk about this in a normal (and no-obligation) way? Perhaps a live date with me or an (online/in-person/telephone) coaching session can meet your needs. Or book an informative, inspiring, custom-designed private workshop for the beginner Mistress/Master , single sub , or couples .
More information
The intensity of D/s: one sub, multiple subs
The human side of BDSM: why your slave is more than a slave
The power of touch – so much more than just contact
Source attribution
Text: Mistress Moriah
Illustration: 123rf.com
