What It’s Like to Be a Dominatrix
Source: Glamour.com.
USA – When she was a journalist, Olivia Troy decided to write a story on men who liked being sexually dominated. She accepted an apprenticeship with a professional dominatrix—and became hooked on the rush of power and uncensored sexuality. Now, after having spent several years as a dominatrix herself, Troy is a BDSM consultant, helping TV shows and Broadway productions tell accurate stories about kink. She’s also the host of the new Acast + podcast “Bedtime Stories,” where she reads erotica to listeners.
Troy views her career as part of a larger effort to empower women sexually, which she also believes empowers them in the rest of their lives. We spoke with her about what it’s like to be a dominatrix and what happens when women gain control over their sexuality.
What first appealed to you about being a dominatrix?
I first thought, I’ll just do this so I can learn some things and then I’ll quit, because I was like, “I don’t need to be a sex worker. I have a master’s degree.” But I was just amazed by all of these smart, interesting, vivid women. I found myself suddenly in the company of women who really did not have to apologize for anything, women who really were themselves, their unedited selves. Among my fellow apprentices, one was a Fulbright scholar who spoke five languages and played classical piano. Another was a math prodigy.
It was an incredible opportunity to engage with men who were finally in a space where they could be their whole selves, to reveal a part of themselves that they weren’t able to share or felt uncomfortable sharing with their family or being public about. There was a safe space where we could celebrate and honor that, and it felt like an incredible privilege. It just satisfied me on so many levels. It was intellectually and emotionally challenging. It allowed me to be sexual and flirtatious. It also allowed me in a healing way to hold people accountable for promises they made. It exists in a space where actions and consequences are genuine. It has been and is some of the most challenging work I’ve ever done.
What do you mean by “hold people accountable”?
For example, if you live with somebody and you tell them to wash the dishes and they don’t do it or they won’t take out the trash, then, in a relationship, you have to sort of go into this battle. But in a BDSM context, it’s always, well, “I gave you an assignment to do and you didn’t do it, so I’m going to give you six cane strokes”—whatever the consequence may be. But it’s not as fraught. It’s not as if somebody disappoints you. You can say, “Hey, you did not fulfill your obligation, so you’re going to be punished.”
How exactly did the dynamic with your clients work?
It depends on the submissive. Not all submissives are task-oriented. Not all people who see dominatrixes are even submissive. Some of them are fetishists. Some of them are seeking a particular experience. Sometimes, they want to be in bondage, which can be a very meditative experience, to be in very restrictive bondage. But when there is a service element to their kink or their expression of submission or to the context in which they serve a dominatrix, then there are assignments. Sometimes, the assignments are performative. Sometimes, they are life-enhancing, like assignments to lose a certain amount of weight or to modify one’s diet. It’s really like working as a life coach to help some men be their best selves, and one of the ways you can be your best self is by expressing and articulating all of yourself, and here’s a space where you can be all the man you are without judgment, and that’s a really wonderful thing. It’s an opportunity that a lot of us as adults don’t have.
You hear about men who feel like they have to be dominant all the time, and they see a dominatrix to get relief from that. Has that been your experience?
I think women and men, culturally, as a society, are always getting the message that we must be strong, that we must take charge, that we must lean in, that we must be independent. For some, that’s true, I suppose. But you get those signals as well. Do you see a dominatrix? There’s absolutely the cliche of “I’m so dominant in my professional life” and everybody wants to talk about that stupid story. Sometimes, they want to have an opportunity where they don’t have to make decisions, and who doesn’t want that? Suddenly, you can go into a space where there’s somebody who tells you what to do. The liberty, the freedom of just being able to do what you’re told, and it is not your responsibility how it all turns out—don’t you want that?
What other reasons lead people to get into BDSM?
I actually call BDSM a roller-coaster ride for adults because you get the opportunity to experience the thrill of fear, but in a way you know you ultimately are going to be safe. There’s the excitement and that anticipation as you stare at this ride, then you go through this series of sensations and exhilaration and intense movements, and at the end of it, you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, that was amazing. I can’t believe I did that.” And the same is true for BDSM. There’s the excitement and anticipation when you choose a dominatrix. There’s the time leading up to the appointment, when you are wondering what she’s going to be like, and then the roller-coaster ride is going, and no matter how long it takes, it’s like you’re so vivid and alive in that moment, and it’s exciting. It’s addictive. It’s gratifying.
What have you learned from all of your different work related to sexuality?
We are in this incredible moment where women who do sex work and women who want to feel empowered in their lives and our cultural conversation about kink and desire and expressions of sexuality are in this real synergy, and one of the things that I think is wonderful abut the work that I’m doing as a consultant and as the host of “Bedtime Stories,” having had the perspective of being a dominatrix, is really capturing that moment. We’re in this space where women are actually thinking about what brings them pleasure, what they want sexually, and in ways that are not so typical—”Oh, well, I just want a man to love me and provide for me”—but instead it’s like, “I am in charge of my own orgasms. Here are the things that turn me on.”
See larger photo: www.glamour.com.
