How I Became an Expert Dirty Talker (and You Can Too)
”The more you are able to embrace the inherent absurdity of sex, the more fun you will have.”
Source: Cosmopolitan.com.
USA – Tina Horn, 33, is a former professional dominatrix who has an MFA in writing. She currently hosts a podcast called “Why Are People Into That?!” and, on Jan. 1, she released a book about dirty talk and sexting called Sexting: The Grownup’s Little Book of Sex Tips for Getting Dirty Digitally. Here, she gives her pro tips for navigating dirty talk both IRL and virtually, and why you should send naked pictures.
Ten years ago, I was looking for something to support my rock-and-roll lifestyle and I read a lot about sex. I was 24 and an open-minded, curious person with a modern literature degree, and I was finding that my prospects mostly involved sitting in an office and not being very creatively stimulated. I typed the word “dominatrix” into Craigslist. [I worked at as a domme] for four years and I just had the time of my life.
Besides teaching the women who were new coming into the [dominatrix] house, I also started teaching workshops in spanking techniques and in dirty talk. I taught at local sex toy stores and LGBT community centers and then eventually at universities and conferences. Of all the classes that I taught, the one I become the most in-demand for was dirty talk. Dirty talk was always the sexual skill that came most naturally to me. People started to ask me to explain how I did it. Verbosity has always been my strength in sex and kink, and I really had to sit down and be a nerd and come up with a syntax of dirty talk and really lay out techniques and come up with exercises. I loved doing it. I started to do private coaching in person and over email, and people would come to me and say, “My wife likes XYZ and I never know what to say.” I would give a list of words or phrases, or come up with scenarios for them.
The most common question that everyone asks me at every workshop is, “How do I know what to say without sounding silly?” And the simple answer is, “Don’t worry about it,” which I know is easier said than done. My philosophy of dirty talk and sex in general is that the more you are able to embrace the inherent absurdity of sex, the more fun you will have, the better connections you will make, and the more satisfaction you will find and will be able to inspire in your partners.
One of the simplest things to keep in mind is that compliments work really well in bed and they don’t have to be complex. They can just amount to, “You’re so hot” or, “You’re so good at fucking me.” You can narrate and compliment and make your partner feel really good and also demand that of your partner. Expect you’ll have partners who will worship you in bed and tell you how amazing and hot you are.
Sometimes people say funny things in bed. A friend of mine who was sleeping with this guy who would always say, “I’m gonna nut!” right before he would come, and she found it really distracting and was always stifling laugher. My advice to her was if you can’t get over what somebody says in bed, then it’s probably a good idea to talk about it when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Also, don’t laugh at somebody and make them feel bad for doing something that turns them on, as long as it’s within the context of consent between adults.
If you have a mostly sexting relationship and you don’t really know them that well — which is something I completely endorse — you really have to be very slow and deliberate and pace yourself. When I’m sexting with my partner, we have worlds developed. There are terms that I know will translate to my partner as “I’m horny,” or, “I want some attention.” But if we don’t know each other that well and I text you “You up?” and you text back a smiley face, maybe the smiley face means, “Yeah, I’m happy you texted because I’m horny and I want to text back with you,” and maybe it’s blank and noncommittal. That’s something you have to learn about that person. You might want to ramp it up, and say something sly and seductive like the text equivalent of grabbing someone’s hand or sliding closer to them on the couch and just say, “I’m in bed” or, “I’m feeling horny,” o,r “I’m thinking about you.” At that point when you say something that’s a little bit more explicitly sexual and they text back, “Oh, yeah, I’m thinking about you too,” then you know it’s on. Or if that person texts back, “Yeah,” or, “OK,” then you’re not really having a duet. You have to both give each other energy to work off of.
With online dating, I am the most confident, self-assured sparkly version of me. There’s that great Amy Schumer sketch where all of the women meet in the park and every time they compliment each other, they put themselves down until one woman shows up and says, “Thank you,” and all their heads explode. I think that’s really true in online dating, that women are really socialized to be demure and not confident in order to attract a partner. I would really like to see if we can deprogram ourselves from that, because the kind of people you want to attract are going to be attracted to someone who is self-assured and confident in their own abilities and is also willing to represent their flaws and not pretend to be some perfect goddess — a multidimensional human. Thinking of yourself as a character can make that a little bit easier.
I’m not scared of people posting naked pictures of me on the Internet, but that’s not a solution that’s going to work for everybody. Just because I’ve been a sex worker and done nude modeling in the past doesn’t mean that I don’t have any boundaries and that every naked picture of me is now up for grabs. I think sometimes we’re so focused on the fear of that happening that we don’t open ourselves up to the pleasures of sharing naked pictures of ourselves with one another. I do think it’s important to realize you’re making a risk-aware assessment. Ask yourself how much you trust someone. But I think it would be a mistake to say, “Don’t ever send naked pictures because you can’t trust anyone.” Just like with sex, the only 100 percent effective form of birth control is abstinence, but that’s not a reason to be abstinent. I think that the pleasure inherent in making custom porn for a partner — whether that’s an image or a video — is so powerful and beautiful and such an amazing way to be intimate and to share yourself with someone. The selfie is a really powerful tool of agency, especially for women, because you’re literally the one holding the camera and controlling what the image of you looks like. I think that has so much potential for pleasure and empowerment.
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