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How I Became an Expert Dirty Talker (and You Can Too)

​”The more you are able to embrace the inherent absurdity of sex, the more fun you will have​.”​

Source: Cosmopolitan.com.

USA – Tina Horn, 33, is a former professional dominatrix who has an MFA in writing. She currently hosts a podcast called “Why Are People Into That?!” and, on Jan. 1, she released a book about dirty talk and sexting called Sexting: The Grownup’s Little Book of Sex Tips for Getting Dirty Digitally. Here, she gives her pro tips for navigating dirty talk both IRL and virtually, and why you should send naked pictures.

Ten years ago, I was looking for something to support my rock-and-roll lifestyle and I read a lot about sex. I was 24 and an open-minded, curious person with a modern literature degree, and I was finding that my prospects mostly involved sitting in an office and not being very creatively stimulated. I typed the word “dominatrix” into Craigslist. [I worked at as a domme] for four years and I just had the time of my life.

Besides teaching the women who were new coming into the [dominatrix] house, I also started teaching workshops in spanking techniques and in dirty talk. I taught at local sex toy stores and LGBT community centers and then eventually at universities and conferences. Of all the classes that I taught, the one I become the most in-demand for was dirty talk. Dirty talk was always the sexual skill that came most naturally to me. People started to ask me to explain how I did it. Verbosity has always been my strength in sex and kink, and I really had to sit down and be a nerd and come up with a syntax of dirty talk and really lay out techniques and come up with exercises. I loved doing it. I started to do private coaching in person and over email, and people would come to me and say, “My wife likes XYZ and I never know what to say.” I would give a list of words or phrases, or come up with scenarios for them.

The most common question that everyone asks me at every workshop is, “How do I know what to say without sounding silly?” And the simple answer is, “Don’t worry about it,” which I know is easier said than done. My philosophy of dirty talk and sex in general is that the more you are able to embrace the inherent absurdity of sex, the more fun you will have, the better connections you will make, and the more satisfaction you will find and will be able to inspire in your partners.

One of the simplest things to keep in mind is that compliments work really well in bed and they don’t have to be complex. They can just amount to, “You’re so hot” or, “You’re so good at fucking me.” You can narrate and compliment and make your partner feel really good and also demand that of your partner. Expect you’ll have partners who will worship you in bed and tell you how amazing and hot you are.

Sometimes people say funny things in bed. A friend of mine who was sleeping with this guy who would always say, “I’m gonna nut!” right before he would come, and she found it really distracting and was always stifling laugher. My advice to her was if you can’t get over what somebody says in bed, then it’s probably a good idea to talk about it when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Also, don’t laugh at somebody and make them feel bad for doing something that turns them on, as long as it’s within the context of consent between adults.

If you have a mostly sexting relationship and you don’t really know them that well — which is something I completely endorse — you really have to be very slow and deliberate and pace yourself. When I’m sexting with my partner, we have worlds developed. There are terms that I know will translate to my partner as “I’m horny,” or, “I want some attention.” But if we don’t know each other that well and I text you “You up?” and you text back a smiley face, maybe the smiley face means, “Yeah, I’m happy you texted because I’m horny and I want to text back with you,” and maybe it’s blank and noncommittal. That’s something you have to learn about that person. You might want to ramp it up, and say something sly and seductive like the text equivalent of grabbing someone’s hand or sliding closer to them on the couch and just say, “I’m in bed” or, “I’m feeling horny,” o,r “I’m thinking about you.” At that point when you say something that’s a little bit more explicitly sexual and they text back, “Oh, yeah, I’m thinking about you too,” then you know it’s on. Or if that person texts back, “Yeah,” or, “OK,” then you’re not really having a duet. You have to both give each other energy to work off of.

With online dating, I am the most confident, self-assured sparkly version of me. There’s that great Amy Schumer sketch where all of the women meet in the park and every time they compliment each other, they put themselves down until one woman shows up and says, “Thank you,” and all their heads explode. I think that’s really true in online dating, that women are really socialized to be demure and not confident in order to attract a partner. I would really like to see if we can deprogram ourselves from that, because the kind of people you want to attract are going to be attracted to someone who is self-assured and confident in their own abilities and is also willing to represent their flaws and not pretend to be some perfect goddess — a multidimensional human. Thinking of yourself as a character can make that a little bit easier.

I’m not scared of people posting naked pictures of me on the Internet, but that’s not a solution that’s going to work for everybody. Just because I’ve been a sex worker and done nude modeling in the past doesn’t mean that I don’t have any boundaries and that every naked picture of me is now up for grabs. I think sometimes we’re so focused on the fear of that happening that we don’t open ourselves up to the pleasures of sharing naked pictures of ourselves with one another. I do think it’s important to realize you’re making a risk-aware assessment. Ask yourself how much you trust someone. But I think it would be a mistake to say, “Don’t ever send naked pictures because you can’t trust anyone.” Just like with sex, the only 100 percent effective form of birth control is abstinence, but that’s not a reason to be abstinent. I think that the pleasure inherent in making custom porn for a partner — whether that’s an image or a video — is so powerful and beautiful and such an amazing way to be intimate and to share yourself with someone. The selfie is a really powerful tool of agency, especially for women, because you’re literally the one holding the camera and controlling what the image of you looks like. I think that has so much potential for pleasure and empowerment.

See larger photo on: www.cosmopolitan.com.

Paul Giamatti Fell Asleep During Dominatrix Scene

Source: Contactmusic.com.

USA – Actor Paul Giamatti Struggled To Stay Awake As He Filmed A Sex Scene With A Dominatrix For His New Tv Series Billions.

The Sideways star portrays a horny U.S. attorney who is determined to prosecute a hedge fund titan, played by Damian Lewis, on the upcoming financial drama, and the premiere episode features Giamatti tied up in a raunchy sex scene, with a ball gag in his mouth.

The actor reveals producers recruited an expert to tie him up, but the way the rope was tightened around his body actually put him to sleep.

“It was really interesting, they brought in a special guy to tie me up,” he explains to U.S. talk show host Stephen Colbert. “I never saw the guy on the set again, just this one time! He was really trussing me up and he was dead serious about it…

“I was like, ‘Who the hell is this guy?’ They got me genuinely trussed up; the more you move, the tighter it gets! It was extraordinary because my reaction to it was really surprising – I fell asleep!

“I had a warm washing feeling go over me and I just dropped off. They had to keep waking me up between takes! They were like, ‘Hey, buddy! Hey, hey, hey! We’re gonna shoot, buddy!’ It was crazy. It was the weirdest reaction, I didn’t expect that.”

See larger photo: www.contactmusic.com.

Dominatrix ‘threatened to expose married lover’s secret fetishes and circulated photos of him engaged in explicit actions when he tried to dump her’

*Jonathan White enjoyed a ‘submissive master-mistress sexual lifestyle’

*Dominatrix Sarah Smith carried out a ‘vindictive character assassination’

*Smith caused £6,800 worth of damage to Mr White’s car

*Mr White said he nearly suffered a nervous breakdown from the ordeal

*Smith claimed it was her ‘civil duty’ to expose Mr White’s ‘sexual deviance’

Source: Dailymail.co.uk.

UK – A dominatrix subjected a married supercar salesman to a vicious campaign of harassment after he dumped her following a sado-masochistic sex session, a court heard yesterday.

Sarah Smith threatened to expose Jonathan White’s secret sexual fetishes to his family and even circulated explicit photographs showing him taking part in sordid acts, it was alleged.

The court heard that Mr White, 47, enjoyed a ‘submissive master-mistress sexual lifestyle’.

He met Smith, 43, through a fetish website and paid her to be a ‘dominating mistress’ during a sex session at a ‘playroom’ in his house that was lined with sex toys and props.

Shortly after the explicit meeting, the two began a casual sexual relationship and Mr White stopped paying her.

But the affair allegedly turned sour just months later, when Mr White – who has now separated from his wife of 15 years, Amanda – tried to dump her.

The court heard that Smith, who also worked as a carer, flew into a rage and embarked on a campaign of harassment against the businessman, including a vindictive ‘character assassination’.

Initially, she took her anger out on the executive’s Nissan 370Z sports car, causing £6,800 in damage and receiving a police caution after smashing its windows and slashing the tyres.

She also scrawled the word ‘gimp’ – a derogatory term used to describe somebody who engages in submissive sex acts – on its side.

After peppering Mr White with hundreds of messages during the seven-month ordeal, Smith tried to ‘expose’ his fetishes to neighbours and family members, the court heard.

The escort claimed she felt it was her ‘civic duty’ to reveal her lover’s secrets and defended her actions as a ‘public spirited act of exposure’.

Smith posted several intimate pictures printed on A4 pages on the gate of Mr White’s £410,000 home in the Hampshire village of Southwick, the court heard.

When the images, which showed him in a ‘crucifix pose’ wearing a leather costume and surrounded by whips, were quickly removed, she threatened to tell all the residents in his street.

The businessman was so distressed by the harassment that he was forced to move to a job 150 miles away.

The alleged campaign came to a head when Smith traced her former lover to his new job in Peterborough in July 2014.

His boss at the racing car manufacturer told Mr White that nine staff members had been sent a vast exposé on him. The documents contained explicit images taken in Mr White’s ‘playroom’ which featured him wearing a women’s corset and eye mask, while surrounded by sex toys and other objects.

Other photographs showed Mr White being led around Birmingham city centre by a dog lead in daylight while wearing a leather outfit.

“If I’m asked to do something submissive, I wouldn’t want to disappoint her. There’s a certain amount of handing someone control and the excitement of not knowing what’s going to happen next.”

Jonathan White

After being suspended from his job, Mr White drove straight to a police station and begged officers: ‘Please help me.’

Mr White told Salisbury Crown Court yesterday that he had nearly suffered a nervous breakdown.

He said: ‘It made me a nervous person, and I wouldn’t think logically at certain times. I was on the verge of losing my job, I was very upset.’

He admitted enjoying ‘giving someone else control’ as part of his sexual activity, adding: ‘If I’m asked to do something submissive, I wouldn’t want to disappoint her.

‘There’s a certain amount of handing someone control and the excitement of not knowing what’s going to happen next.’

But Derek Perry, defending Smith, accused Mr White of leading a ‘deviant sex life’ and said he indulged in ‘weird sex games’.

On a fetish website, Mr White boasted about his lifestyle and said he was interested in fetishes including ‘domestic servitude’.

A picture shown to the jury showed him taking part in a sexual ‘tug of war’ in which his manhood was attached to another person’s nipples by a rope.

Prosecutor Simon Edwards said: ‘Jonathan White is a man in his 40s who has a submissive master-mistress sexual lifestyle. That’s what he enjoys.

‘We say this was entirely unjustified and malicious course of conduct directed towards Mr White in an attempt to turn people against him.’

Smith, of Bristol, denies a charge of stalking involving serious alarm, harassment or distress.

The trial continues.

See more and larger photo’s: www.dailymail.co.uk.

Life as a financial dominatrix: Welcome to the internet’s most expensive fetish

Source: Telegraph.co.uk.

UK – Like many women, Cleo enjoys being spoiled. Over the years, she has amassed quite a collection of gifts. There’s jewellery, designer shoes, perfume and even cash sums deposited in her bank account – all sent by devoted admirers. The unusual part? She’s never met any of them. Because for Cleo this is purely business.

A financial dominatrix, she makes money issuing orders to often wealthy men, who contact her online asking to do her bidding. Her dozens of clients – although she prefers to call them her ‘pets’ or ‘pay pigs’ – range from high-powered company executives to suburban husbands.

The nuances of the relationship will vary with each; from one ‘pay pig’ sending her £20 a week to another donating the vast majority of his earnings and having her take full control of all of his finances.

“Clients are wealthy executives, earning a small fortune, but who feel enslaved by their work – and get off on making themselves vulnerable.”

Cleo, 43

It may sound like something of a niche market, but search online and there are any number of fetish websites on which ‘fin-dommes’ – as they are known – tout for business.

Their presence gained wider prominence this month, when it emerged that Sophena Houlihan, the 17-year-old who allegedly received lewd texts from Labour MP Simon Danczuk, had been working as a financial dominatrix for a year before they made contact.

Using the moniker ‘Goddess Rosalie Von Morelli, Sophena advertised online for ‘money slaves’, selling her services to men who would pay for the pleasure of receiving her orders, whether performing menial tasks, buying her gifts or purchasing everything from her toenail clippings to underwear (£15 a pair).

“Domination, that’s what they want,” she explained. “I send them messages, rules, goals, set them dates to treat me, spoil me, send me gifts or money….it’s a submissive-dominant relationship.”

And one that can prove very lucrative for the women on the receiving end, as Cleo, 43, can testify.

She’s been working as a fin-domme for four years from her modest suburban home and, while she still has a regular office job, she estimates that her extra-curricular ‘hobby’ brings in several hundred pounds a month. The product of a self-confessed ordinary childhood, she fell into the fin-domme world after stumbling upon it on a fetish website and now has dozens of regular clients or all ages and incomes.

“I have clients who randomly feel the need to spoil a woman and send them gifts, and clients that want to be completely dominated or humiliated and have me control all their spending,” she explains.

“Some are in touch every day, some once in a while. It all depends on their needs and fetishes.”

“It is no different from men who get spanked. The fix, the thrill, comes from handing over responsibility to someone else.”

Mike Berry

What they all have in common is that they’re offering their hard-earned money for almost nothing in return – although that, says Cleo, is precisely the point.

“A lot of those who get in touch are wealthy executives earning a small fortune but who feel enslaved by their work – and get off on making themselves vulnerable,” she says. “They worked for that money, so when they turn it over it’s freeing for them.”

Certainly consultant clinical forensic psychologist Mike Berry is not surprised by the dynamic.

“It’s to do with power and control – often these men, and it is usually men, have very high-powered jobs or their lives are very ordered, or are sexually inadequate. “In many ways, it is no different from men who get spanked. The fix, the thrill, comes from handing over responsibility to someone else and embracing the risk that comes with that. It’s a total contrast from the rest of their lives – and that’s the attraction, along with the secrecy.”

That‘s certainly the case for one ‘pay-pig’ who spoke – on condition of anonymity – to Vice, two years ago. The manager of a large company, he was married with children and lived an outwardly respectable life.

But, behind the scenes, the majority of his disposable income went to the ‘beautiful goddess’ he was ‘born to serve.’

“I leave myself enough money to eat basic foods and pay my bills and everything else goes on her,” he revealed. “Sometimes I’ll go hungry so that I can spend more on her.”

In fact, according to Goddess Nia, a 25-year-old full-time fin-domme based in the US; the more high-powered the client, the greater their need for humiliation.

“They feel enslaved by their companies. They’ve spent their whole lives making money for other people. They want to release that,” she says. ‘Goddess Nia’ makes her pay-pigs – she also calls them her ‘subs’ – fill out an application form and send her a ‘tribute’ – ranging from cash to an item from her ‘wish-list’ – before agreeing to work with them.

“There is nothing sexual in this job for me. It’s just empowering.”

‘Goddess Nia’

“These men give me their credit card details and call me on the phone just to have me answer and ignore them. I neglect them all,” she says. A typical interaction, she claims, is centered on haughty abuse.

“One man got in touch to say ‘‘Goddess Nia, you’re a perfect ten.’ I said ‘did I ask you to rate me on some misogynistic scale? I want you to send me a tribute and I want you to send it all in ten dollar bills, as I’m such a perfect ten. And I want it to be $1,000.’ He did it.”

If it sounds like easy money, both Cleo and Goddess Nia are anxious to insist there is skill in what they do.

“You need to be a good reader of people and to know exactly which buttons to press,” says Cleo. “I see what I do as an art. I love the money, but it’s working out how to dominate someone financially emotionally that gives me the real thrill.”

“There is nothing sexual in this job for me. It’s just empowering,” echoes Nia.

Undeniably, however, there is a sexual element to proceedings for their clients, even if it is not overt.

“If there is one area of life where people don’t behave rationally it is in their sexual life,” Dr Vincent Egan, Associate Professor of Forensic Psychology Practice at Nottingham University, points out.

“Many of the men participating in this sort of thing could easily find sex wherever they wanted, but this brings in different dimensions. Some may feel guilty over the money. And while power is an aphrodisiac for many, for the powerful it may also be a relief to be submissive.”

“While power is an aphrodisiac for many, for the powerful it may also be a relief to be submissive.”

Dr Vincent Egan

The internet, of course, allows for all these nuances: while some fin-dommes – Goddess Nia included – do sometimes meet in person, most interaction takes place online affording even greater freedom, as Mike Berry emphasises.

“In the cyber world you can become who you want and what you want and relationships can get very intense in a very short period of time. There is a loss of a sense of reality.”

Nonetheless, Cleo believes the biggest misconception about her work is that it is somehow ‘weird’.

“Everyone likes different things – it’s just that some brave people will admit it.”

See more and larger photo’s: www.telegraph.co.uk.