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An example: One study showed that when sex causes women pain, only half (51 percent) tell their partners, and usually only if the pain is severe. If half of women don’t mention sex hurting, how likely are they to raise less urgent issues? Probably not very. There is no similar study of men, but women frequently complain that men don’t discuss their feelings, so how likely are they to discuss the details of their lovemaking?

Fortunately, for couples interested in boosting sexual communication, a marvelous model is available from people who enjoy bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism (BDSM).

Safe Words

A hallmark of BDSM is the use of “safe words,” terms that one partner may invoke at any time to guide the other, for example, the words “yellow” and “red” as in traffic lights.

If one BDSM player says “yellow,” the two people immediately suspend play to discuss why one called for the pause. Perhaps spanking was too forceful, or not forceful enough. Perhaps restraints were too tight, or too loose. Whatever the reason, saying “yellow” creates space for negotiation. When both players are back on the same page, their play continues.

If one says “red,” everything comes to an immediate dead stop. Negotiations ensue, and the person who said “red” then decides if play may continue with changes, or if the session is over.

Safe words acknowledge that, to keep everyone happy and safe from physical and psychological harm, BDSM play requires ongoing negotiations. Lovers not involved in BDSM may also find safe words helpful. They encourage sexual communication and negotiation.

Safe words are a last resort. Ideally, BDSMers hope to play without anyone having to resort to them. How? By engaging in detailed pre-play negotiations, which may include the development of written contracts.

Consider a Contract

The wildly popular BDSM novel, Fifty Shades of Grey, is one of the best-selling books of all time—more than 150 million copies sold worldwide. In it, the dominant, Christian Grey, pitches his new amour, Anastasia Steele, on becoming his submissive. She’s falling in love with him, but is a naïve young woman completely unfamiliar with BDSM. Despite her feelings for Grey, she feels reluctant to get involved in his kind of play.

Recognizing her discomfort, Grey presents her with a written document, a proposed contract to govern their play. He declares that every point is negotiable, and that once they’ve sealed their deal, he will abide by every word absolutely. Steele digests the contract, and has questions. Grey clarifies. Steele agrees to some clauses, wants changes in others, and for some responds with hard refusals. They negotiate the changes Steele wants, both giving ground. Grey pledges to respect her hard no’s, with the proviso that as she becomes more comfortable playing his sub, he may re-raise those points with her.

Contracts affirm which moves the players embrace, and which they prohibit. They inform each player about the other’s needs and limits. Contracts also reduce invocations of safe words, so play is less likely to be interrupted.

Some BDSM players use contracts. Others don’t, feeling fine with verbal negotiations. But quite a few put their play plans in writing. For many BDSMers, contracts make it easier to discuss what will and won’t happen, and how play will unfold.

Lovers not involved in BDSM might also choose to draft contracts. It’s easier to discuss sexual details across a table when clothed than when naked in bed (and possibly intoxicated). Non-BDSM contracts might specify: the couple’s sexual frequency, use of lube or not, how soon after initial kissing genital play may begin, types of acceptable touch (e.g., yes to gentle caresses, but no to pinching or twisting), and whether or not the sex includes oral and/or anal play, and so, the details.

“Is This Okay?”

In BDSM play, doms don’t ask subs, “Is this okay?” They’ve planned their play beforehand, and through verbal agreements or written contracts, already understand their subs’ limits.

But for non-BDSM lovers, whether or not they negotiate contracts, three simple words take care of most communication issues. The three words are: “Is this okay?”

At every erotic escalation—kissing, disrobing, breast fondling, reaching between legs—initiators should ask this question. It’s usually easy, even in the throes of passion.

When sex experts advocate “communication,” many people envision extended orations. There’s rarely any need to go on at length. “Is this okay?” affirms sex by mutual agreement, and invites those on the receiving end of partners’ initiatives to consent to escalations, ask for modifications, or declare a move unacceptable.

“Is this okay?” encourages negotiations. It stops the action momentarily, which allows both partners to reflect on their pleasure, or lack thereof, and if necessary, suggest adjustments.

The next time you make love with a partner, try punctuating things with “Is this okay?” If you’ve been together a while, chances are that transitions from kissing and hugging to more erotic play are fine, and will elicit “yeses.” Initiators may think they don’t have to ask. Ask anyway.

“Is This Okay?” Make It a Habit

Over time, people’s feelings about erotic caresses often change. Myriad factors can alter people’s receptiveness to even familiar erotic moves: fatigue, aging, aches and pains, health issues, and lack of privacy, among others. Get in the habit of asking, “Is this okay?”

After you’ve both climaxed and you’re drifting into dreamy afterglow, take time to reflect on what just happened. Offer compliments for receiving the caresses you enjoyed, and make suggestions for changes you’d like to boost your enjoyment.

Sexual communication is often easier than many people imagine. Start with putting it on the agenda. Then check in regularly, asking, “Is this okay?” You’ll enjoy better sex and a happier relationship.

BDSM players communicate routinely. All lovers should.