“How to Recognize Bad Dominants? Red Flags for Subs (and Vice Versa)” was written for BDSMforyou.nl by Mistress Moriah .
Source: BDSMforyou.nl (In Dutch)
NETHERLANDS – Definition of abusive Dominant.
Abusive Dominant is someone who abuses the power dynamics within BDSM. This can happen by ignoring boundaries, selectively interpreting consent, or by causing emotional, physical, or mental harm without care, aftercare , or accountability. Power then no longer becomes a role to be held, but a license to gratify one’s own needs.
A brief disclaimer:
For readability, this text is written in the first person. This does not mean that abusive Dominants are only men. Dominant women can also act inappropriately. Where “he” appears, “she” may just as easily be read.
BDSM requires more than courage and desire
BDSM is all about trust. About surrender, which can only arise when there’s safety. Power in BDSM is never separate from responsibility. And that’s precisely where things sometimes go wrong. Not everyone who calls themselves Dominant can or wants to bear that responsibility. When someone uses the role to feed their ego, make a quick buck, or get sex without truly considering the other person, a misalignment arises. This often doesn’t feel wrong immediately, but it does cause friction.
Mistress Moriah’s last 5 podcasts on Spotify:(In Dutch)
P54: How to Start BDSM in an Existing Relationship
P53: The Myth of ‘The Right Way to Do It’: On Authenticity in BDSM
P52: Psychology of Power and Surrender
P51: Fisting: Trust, Surrender, and Responsibility
P50: Setting Boundaries
Why recognizing red flags is so important
Even within BDSM, you’ll encounter people who use the term Dominant as a cover for control without support. Think of deliberately seeking out submissives who are much too young , ignoring experience, or romanticizing dependency. At the same time, there are also submissives who manipulate or emotionally pull on a Dominant. Recognizing red flags protects you not only physically but also mentally. A negative dynamic can leave deep scars, often only visible after the moment has passed.
BDSM is built on power and surrender, but always within a voluntary and agreed-upon framework. Without consent and reciprocity, there is no BDSM, only abuse. A misguided Dominant may appear confident or experienced, but if you look closely, it’s primarily about themselves. They don’t truly listen, don’t check in, and don’t offer space for feelings outside their script. The difference isn’t technique, but intention.
Here’s a clear overview: good leadership versus harmful behavior
| A good Dominant | A Wrong Dominant |
|---|---|
| Leads and guides | Takes and demands |
| Builds you up | Breaks you down |
| Bears responsibility | Mainly seeks self-satisfaction |
| Listens and tunes in | Hears himself above all |
| Guards borders | Consciously crosses boundaries |
| Gives space | Become firm in His will |
| Stops when necessary | Continues because he wants to |
| Respects vulnerability | Uses vulnerability |
| Is calm and present | Loses himself in a role |
| Builds trust and connection | Sows doubt and confusion |
How Bad Dominants Often Show Themselves
It rarely starts off crudely. Often, it’s subtle. He talks a lot about what he wants to do, but rarely asks you any questions. Any doubts or tension are brushed aside. Phrases like “You trust me, don’t you?” are used to exert pressure. You don’t get time to feel where your boundaries lie, because according to him, surrender is supposed to be painful or exciting. Your feelings are subordinated to his story.
When you say afterward that something didn’t feel right, it gets distorted. You’re thought to be exaggerating, being too sensitive, or not understanding your role. Your very desire for surrender is used to push you further, without a foundation to fall back on. Often, you only realize something was wrong later, when the adrenaline has subsided and the emptiness becomes palpable.
A key sign is the lack of aftercare . After an intense session, he disappears mentally or literally. No check-in, no conversation, no attention to how it affected you. As if everything is over once his need is met.
But also: false subs exist
Boundary violations aren’t a one-way street. Some submissives manipulate or use emotional dependency as a means of power. Phrases like “I can’t do this without you” or “You’re the only one who can do this with me” sound intense, but they can be intended to trap a Dominant. Agreements are made and broken, responsibility is shifted, and the Dominant is expected to bear, feel, and resolve everything.
A submissive who doesn’t know their own boundaries or refuses to express them, yet still expects complete care, puts a strain on the dynamic. No matter what the Dominant does, it’s never enough. Good BDSM requires maturity from both parties. Where honesty is lacking, bad behavior results.
Signals you should take seriously
If someone ridicules your boundaries, consistently ignores your pace, diminishes your feelings, or makes doubt impossible, that’s not a misunderstanding but a red flag. The same applies when aftercare is dismissed as nonsense or when jealousy and dependency are deliberately used to bind you. A healthy dynamic provides peace and stability. An unhealthy one leaves you feeling insecure and empty.
Many people only realize something was wrong afterward . That doesn’t mean you’re naive. The moment itself can be intense, and not everyone immediately trusts their feelings. Don’t be ashamed of that. Talk about it with someone you trust. If necessary, write it down to clarify what’s bothering you. Discuss it with the other person if it feels safe. And if that’s not possible, choose yourself. You don’t owe anyone anything.
How do you reduce the chance of incorrect dynamics?
Take the time to get to know someone, not just in words but especially in their behavior. Pay attention to how someone reacts when you set a boundary. See if they respect your pace. Does someone feel calm and present or rushed and pushy? And perhaps even more importantly: how is the connection after a session?
Be honest with yourself, too. Sometimes you want something so badly that you rationalize away signals. But your intuition is often clearer than your head. A good Dominant will never push you. They create space, not pressure.
In the end it’s all about reciprocity
A healthy BDSM dynamic isn’t a one-way street. The Dominant leads and listens. The submissive surrenders and maintains their boundaries. Together, a place is created where power and surrender meet without harm.
Perhaps that’s the biggest red flag of all: the moment the word “together” disappears. When everything revolves around the will of one person, it’s no longer BDSM. And then it’s wise to pause and ask yourself what you’re really doing here.
